Honey,, I got some real bad news  

rm_LostLilSoul 46F
373 posts
8/11/2005 4:07 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Honey,, I got some real bad news

Well Im sure Im going to say alot of shit that you all wont agree with and I probley wont sound very positive because frankly I am not finding alot to be positive about at the moment. I most likely am not thinking clearly and some of the way I feel may change at some point but right now, I feel fucking cheated and Im really not understanding what the fuck I did to deserve all the shit Ive been threw in life. I went to the doctor friday for a regular check up and she found 3 lumps in my breast.. Well a little over a year ago I noticed 4 or 5 lumps in the lymph nodes above my collar bone and they are still there to this day, so immediatley think OMG maybe thats why they are there because of cancer,, and from my dad having cancer I learned that when cancer gets into your lymph nodes it spreads to other areas and for the most part your hit unless you spend the extra days you get from chemo and radiation sicker then hell.. And then I start thinking about this lump I have at that base of my skull kinda behind my ear that I got around the same time the lumps in my lymph nodes showed up and the dailey headaches Ive been getting,,I hate going to the doctor,,,and unless I really am on my death bed, I usually wont go,, I dont like spiders and I dont like needles,,, and I wont go around either one ,, I know I should have gotten shit checked out but I didnt,,so anyway,, they got me into get a mammogram yesterday,,and they took about 6 pictures and had me go back to my little room but told me not to get dressed,,,and then they took more pictures and back to the room,, and then again they took more pictures,,,and then I was taken to get an ultrasound done.. well,, they thought they would just send me home to wait for an answer but hell no,, i backed that little ultrasound tech into the corner and she says" all i can tell you is you have a tumor" and she said she wasent suppose to tell me that..but I already knew that but was thankful she told me. I believe that this cancer has already spread and I think that may be the cause of that lump at the base of my skull,,but even if its not,, They are going to want to take either part of my breast or all of my breast plus some of my armpit and then put me threw radiation and chemo,,Well,, NO THANKS!!! I dont care how petty it sounds,,I dont want to go without a boob,,,I dont want anyone taking half my boob and after watching my dad lose his hair,,get sicker then hell,,and go straight down the tubes ,, I have no intention of doing either radiation or chemo,,,I also NEVER want to experience what it feels like to take my shirt off in front of someone I care about and feel like i know i would having only one breast. I know but at least Id be alive!! right?? well to be honest my life has pretty muched always sucked and I dont plan on spending the rest of it one titted and sick from chemo and radiation treatments,, the way I figure is I must have finished whatever it is I came here for and its time to go.. Im 34 years old,, I have never heard of a 34 yr old getting breast cancer,, This is fucked,,, but this is my plan Im going to find out if its in my lymph nodes and if its spread,, then ride it out until its my time,,Im going to spend my time feeling good for as long as i can,, love the people who care about me and then look forward to scaring the crap out of all my friends when I pass on.. Oh and I am really looking forward to doing that,,, what a blast,,, ya know,, knock something off or slam a door shut,,freak them out,,lol,, anyway,, I had to vent,,.. sorry its such a shitty blog but ya know what?? Its been a shitty couple of days,,,

peace out,,,
oh and the picture is one of the many orbs I have captured on film downstairs in my room,,,freaky huh


rm_4nik8_4u 61M
2501 posts
8/11/2005 11:17 am

You need to find out what it is before you make all the decisions. It could be something very treatable and early detection leads to higher cure rates. It could be a benign tumor, which means no cancer. I'm just saying to find out the facts first, weigh the options, then decide. Hang in there Baby!


justwhatuwant71 45M
1 post
8/11/2005 8:49 pm

Life definitely isn't fair. I would understand why you don't want to give up a breast. Cancer is nothing to take lightly though, if you have it, let them treat it and then just pay to have a new breast installed after they get it. I know you said you could have fun with those who care for you but they would be happier if you stayed even longer in their lives.
Maybe you should just contact me for a shoulder to cry on!


UncleBuck0 79M
3 posts
8/11/2005 10:39 pm

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure there are a lot of prayers
being said for you right now. May God watch over you & keep you in His arms.


stevenLuv4u 64M
142 posts
8/12/2005 1:25 am

Be mad- throw stuff-scream- then find out what they can do. I've had several female friends get treatment- kept all their body parts. And now are in remission- maybe forever maybe not. You gotta play the cards you get dealt- are many who get these when younger. Give yourself time before making ANY decisions. Find a second or third opinion if you can. In the last 5 years science in this field has advanced tremendously. I've got enuff faith for us both for now hon. If you want someone to scream and yell at- call me at 515 279 5554. It does suck- I want ya around for awhile so I can take you out for dinner or coffee. Feeling helpless sucks- feeling hopeless can wait 'til you've found out all the options. You are not your dad. And it's your spirit that got my attention before I ever saw a pic of you. No matter what happens you will still be beautiful and anyone that cares about you won't care what you look like.
Rumor is you are here for a higher purpose and it ain't yer time yet 'til you get to accomplish it.
So...you are in my prayers from now on. Please call when the miracle happens? That is all I ask.
God Bless you sweetheart and good luck!
steven.


SexyMac25 30M
99 posts
8/12/2005 8:03 am

hey,
i know u probly dont want to hear people u dont even know saying how sorry they are for you, but i and other people really do feel bad for u.It just bums me out that u are thinking of giving up that easy, people DO beat it.
One tit is better than death.
hope everything works out for you,
SexyMac25


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