The Idiot Son of an Asshole  

ReranBroodArret 36M
9 posts
6/3/2006 9:06 pm

Last Read:
6/6/2006 2:57 pm

The Idiot Son of an Asshole

While it is heartbreaking that the Sabres couldn't pull it off, I do have a more light-hearted anecdote. Last weekend a comedian buddy of mine was doing a show in Ottowa when a drunken heckler shouted out, "How's life in Buffalo?" to which he quickly replied, "It's all right, we're still in the playoffs." Amidst the cheers, boos, laughter, and shouting that followed, a piece of prime rib went whizzing by his head and struck the bricks behind him. You know you've gotten under somebody's skin when they pick up and chuck not the potato, but the 14 dollar piece of steak. So we've got that.

The first time I was ever on a comedy stage I was only given a two-minute time slot with which to prove myself, and I did so by talking about my dad. The bit killed, but I have never used it since and probably won't again because now that I've climbed the ladder a little he does catch my set from time to time and wouldn't think this particular bit was funny. I also don't really want to be succesful at anyone else's expense, so that bit is kind of up for grabs. It was about that fact that my entire extended family thinks my dad is an alcoholic (which is true), but that in actuality he doesn't drink much at all, he is just an asshole (also true). I then went into how I wish he were an alcoholic, as it is a much easier problem to solve. You can make people quit drinking, but there is no support group for being an asshole, and even if there was, the only people who would show up are airport security guards, being the only assholes not in denial about having a problem.

But just this week I wrote a second bit about my pops, and while still insulting, it's a lot less mean spirited and I think he might let me get away with it, as he does have a pretty good sense of humor. I'll be trying it this week, but I figured I'd post it here anyway because I kind of like it.

My dad is always angry about something, no matter how good his day is going he can always find something to be pissed off about. He's not actually unpleasant to be around, this is just his hobby; some people collect stamps or shot glasses, he collects pet peeves. Right now he's really into politics, as it makes his hobby easy. But sometimes it will be a slow news day and things will be going well for him, and he'll really be struggling to find something to be pissed about. He'll have something, but it will kind of be a stretch and you can tell his heart is not really in it. On those days I like to help him out and pitch him an easy one.
I'll be over at their house, he'll say "Hey did you see the newspaper today? Bush got a new haircut, the stupid jerk, God I hate that man."
I'll reply as non-chalantly as possible, "That's cool, hey, I was thinking about getting a tattoo of a penis on my cheek... My left cheek, not my right cheek, that would just be gay."
He knows I'm joking, but he goes on his rant anyway. "That's not funny, don't even joke about that, in the seventies I had a buddy get beaten to death in Georgia for having a tattoo of a penis on his face..." Sure, he sounds pissed, but I know deep down he's saying, "THANK YOU." That's just the kind of relationship we have.

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