The Goon Squad...Helping to Improve the Bottom Line  

rm_Kissmystuff 61F
2665 posts
5/2/2006 11:37 am

Last Read:
10/29/2006 10:20 am

The Goon Squad...Helping to Improve the Bottom Line

It's been a few years now..that I've worked in debt collections. That's right..I'm one of the people who calls your home and reminds you of the money you owe for services or products rendered.

Shortly before leaving my last job..before I started working from home..I proprosed some new improvements. I just can't understand why the boss didn't approve of them. Personally..I thought they could have advanced the business and improved the bottom line.

While it's true that organized crime may have come up with some of it first..there's no reason why it wouldn't have worked for regular debt collections.


For those debtors who get rude and nasty with the collector on the phone..set up a Teret Syndrome call them back and collect the money owed. That way..the debtor gets back..what they dish out.


This unit would be comprised of strong..tough looking men and women..with chips on their shoulders..preferably paranoid schizophrenics Their method of operation would be to:

1. Call the debtor who had promised to pay and didn't. They would give the debtor a verbal warning. "Pay up or else."

2. If they still didn't pay..the Goon Squad member would show up at the debtor's door about 2AM and give another verbal warning..but flex their muscles..and show them the pair of brass knuckles in their hand.

3. If the reprobate still didn't keep their promise to pay..time to get serious..and break some bones.

- Now I should be done in increments of..say..$500.

- Up to $500..the little finger..SNAP!!. A finger for each $500 up to $2500. They should leave at least one hand free of broken the debtor can still earn the money to pay the bill.

- Anything above that..time to move to the larger an arm or a leg. Keeping in mind that the debtor must be left with enough mobility to work to pay the money owed.

- It will be necessary..of course that members of the Goon Squad be insensitive to the screams of the the squad member is inflicting the late payment penalty. It's also necessary that they be trainned to break the bones that they heal without complications.

Special note

Age is not an excuse. Some of those old geezers are the worst offenders. Some of the language that comes out their mouths would shock a sailor! And the fact that they may be on social security and eating cat food in place of other meat..won't get them off the hook. And they lie..usually more convincingly then the younger debtors. They've had a longer time to practice.

Anyway..again..I'm convinced that once the word got around about these special collection units..people would be more than willing to pay their debts. It would certainly make my job easier.


digdug41 49M

5/2/2006 3:55 pm

you so crazy

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

Nightguy_1961 55M
4866 posts
5/2/2006 4:51 pm

I came up with a similar idea, but use such 'individuals' as security for shelters for abused spouses & children. Think about it: these guys could provide shadow security for women who have to leave the shelter to go to work...if their abusers violate a protection order, the goomba squad could 'enlighten' the individual that going somewhere else 'would be in their best interest'.

Just an idea, from a twisted individual.....

NG61...slipping back into the shadows...

KarezzaMagick 64M
165 posts
5/2/2006 6:46 pm


Sounds like a job for the Notice & Demand letter ("Show me the instrument," as per UCC 3-501, however it's been 'adopted' into your state's revised code). LOL Works for me!

On the other hand, I've collected on a couple bad debts... using tactics you collectors are prohibited by law from using. I can use them because I'm the person so owed, thus not bound by 'fair collection' regulations.

I sent one woman who tried to stiff me for about $1000 a fax at her job, only I 'forgot' the cover sheet and I printed my message in HUGE letters. There it sat, for everyone to read from five feet away.
Her boss knew me and liked me and made the woman cough up most of it.

Then I sued her in small claims court for the rest and wound up with all but $200. However, seeing the look of dismay on that wretched harridan's face at being forced into court and being a public discrace was almost worth $200 to me! The magistrate was even rolling her eyes at the woman's feeble excuses for ripping me off.

Then there was the dude who didn't pay me $500 on a contract. I stood in his driveway hollering up to the second story where his family lived. One of his kids stuck a head out the window and said, "mommy and daddy are not home." So I hollered back up there, "Ohhhh! So they left you kids HOME ALONE!. All the neighborhood could hear, of course, and I'd just stop by whenever I was passing his street, which was often. Finally I bumped into his mother in law. "Oh? Charles didn't pay you? We'll see about that!" In less than two weeks, the $500 check arrived!

Big fun.

RevJoseyWales 69M/66F
14393 posts
5/2/2006 7:54 pm

Well what do you know. I spent a bunch of years in the late 60' and early 70's as a collector and collection manager. And did a stint as a repo man in Baltimore. Back in the old days, before collection laws. Ahh, the adrenaline rush. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."

redswallow777 48M
6810 posts
5/4/2006 8:16 am

Having just finished serving papers for a friend I feel rather touchy on the subject of confrontation.....more apt to offer the carrot than hit them with the stick.

docdirk 47M

5/4/2006 8:37 pm

Your damn goons broke my fingers before I had a chance to write the check! Then, when the hand-healing took too long.. snap, there goes my leg. When I could no longer walk to my checkbook, whack, 2x4 to the head. When I couldn't remember who to make the check out too...

All this for $1.99!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

rm_Kissmystuff 61F
1435 posts
5/4/2006 11:06 pm

Hi Takethemoney...
Appreciate you stopping by. Happy New Year to you also. Can you tell me what year this is? Do you know where you are? Do you remember your name? How many fingers am I holding up? Nod if you can hear me.

Hi ya Dig...
Welcome back. Glad you enjoyed the humor. Just make sure your payments are up to date!

Hello Nightguy...
You're always welcome. I guess it's true...great minds really do think alike.

How ya doing? Sounds like you don't need a collector. You're pretty good on your own.

Always nice to have you stop by.
I knew there was something I like about you.

Hi Red...
Always glad to see you. I'm sure you've heard of the fist in the velvet glove?

Hi Doc...
Now that's funny! Good to see you. For that chicken feed...we send out the midget goons. But you know's tight..every little bit counts.


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