|Blogs > rm_Kissmystuff > In Praise of She..Ochun|
Ladies...The Men Want to Know...
Ladies...The Men Want to Know...
A gentleman man asked me to pose these questions on my blog...
to the women out there.
So...I'm posting the email he sent me...pretty much as he wrote it.
I have a request. Would you consider posting this premise in you own words?
I have several friends… men who seem to share the same perspective on marriage and women. They are all married with at least (2) children.
Here is the premise proposed by these gentlemen:
* First of all they all acknowledge that they enjoy and desire sex. They have “lusted after” other women, but not acted on it. And since puberty, they have felt this way. At an early age they just wanted sex, but as they matured, intimacy and affection became important to them.
* To an individual, their sex life is 1% of what it was before they became married. One individual can plan on sex twice a year, his birthday and anniversary,
They believe two things,
1) once married and after children the female sex drive, if it ever existed… dies.
2) Through the years women change, especially after menopause. They assume that physically, women have a more difficult time with lubrication at that time.
So here we go... men still enjoy sex, it feels good and as I said, they enjoy the intimacy, which has grown with maturity.
Women on the other hand, especially married women, seem to have no interest in sex and many have no interest in intimacy.
Recently one man was rejected (Thursday night) and on Friday morning when he was leaving the house for work, His wife said, “where is my hug and kiss? Or am I being punished for last night?” He nearly fell over. He truly believes his wife no longer loves him and the marriage, only exists for their two high school age kids.
The jokes abound at this juncture in discussions, but the underlying premise still remains..
1) If it feels good to have an orgasm,
and each wife seems to indicate that it does, then why the constant rejection?
2) Why the diminished intimacy? Is this universal? Or is this group of men, about (20+) just an anomaly?
They and I would be interested in knowing. As for me, the Peter Pan Principal is evident, and I will probably never grow up. So my input is biased.
Let me know.
1/7/2006 9:38 pm
Let me be the first one to answer. |
It truly makes me sad to hear the suffering that these men go through. But I have to wonder...are the women also suffering?
My ex-husband and I separated when we were both fairly young...in our 20's. Our children were still in diapers. But even though we were separated...and had young children...we still had an active sex life. My desire was not deminished. I will say however...that children...housework...can take a lot of energy. I would imagine that many women are just too tired from the rigors of the day to day grid and stress to indulge in sex...let alone want it. And if the bulk of the task of raising and caring for the kids and the housework falls on them...is it any wonder that they just don't feel like it.
There is also the issue of health. For a period of time, and this was years after my ex and I no longer had a "thing" going and I was dating someone else, I did experience a diminished sex drive...but discovered that it had more to do with my declining health...than anything else. I found that diet...what you ingest into your system...has a great deal to do with how you respond sexually.
I have to wonder...sometimes a woman may not feel that she's attractive...or desirable.
what is her self image? Look at the propaganda that this society projects. It basically tells you...if you're beyond a certain age...or you don't look a certain way...then you're not worthy. Sure...anyone with a brain intellectually knows this is not true...but what does it do emotionally...psycologically to a person. Take a look at the growing number of people with eating disorders in this culture. And men...can you honestly say that you haven't fallen prey to that propaganda. What do you think this does to the women around you?
There is also the matter of aesthetics. Just like men...we women like to have something to nice to look at...that is clean...and smells good. No...you don't have to be an adonis...but reasonable hygiene and grooming is appreciated. Guys...I don't know of any woman who wants to be kissed... let alone...made love to... by some man who is reeking of B.O.
I've gone through meno-pause. If anything, my sex drive has increased...I have no problem with lubrication. If a woman does have such a problem, there are products on the market that will help resolve that issue. I hope that suggesting the program..."Talk Sex With Sue" which comes on cable, does not violate the rules of this site. Dr Sue Johansen, answers any questions about sex, without judgement and has helped many people. She also has a website of the same name.
1/8/2006 8:22 am
Many men know these things and I am sure some do not. There were times when I had to hold down a job and take care of the kids. It was grueling... but I got through it and somehow still had energy to make love, but that could have been just me. The self esteem issues are hard to measure to deal with and I believe society puts much more pressure on the women than the men, but if the husband looks past the physical appearance, IF… how can he help her do the same? If he desires her regardless and it is a personal issue with her, how can he deal with this? I know a few who romance the hell out of their wives all to no avail. Even I have given roses, just because I was feeling particularly warm that day and for no other reason only to have my effort greeted with “what do you want?” or “what have you done wrong now?”|
One man in particular I know has two kids in high school. Both kids are self sufficient, one with a license and car helps with transport of the younger one. The father is very active with kids’ activities which cause him to sped longs nights coaching. Add in work he is on the go from 6:30 AM until 11:00 PM… and from what he tells me still tries for some intimacy but is rejected all but 364 days a year. I do not know everything about their relationship, but from what I can see, he is the one who should be tired. And I realized this is one example of billions. A small sample from which to draw any conclusions.
Maybe it is society, maybe it is personal issues, maybe it is energy, given these I hope these men can find their answers. It sounds to me like they want their marriage to work but do know how the get the emotional, intellectual and physical balance back. If anyone has the secret… share it…. no, sell it… you will make a huge fortune!
1/9/2006 3:58 pm
you know Kiss is right. she can usually hit the nail on the head everytime. i think the thing is women are always searching to look better,feel sexier,want their mate to long for them. then there are the men,simple wanting comfortable mariages,and excepting thing as they are.most just get too comfortable and except too many thing as they are,and feeling everything is alright! there goes the com link out the window.if by chance you husband ask if everything is alright and they`re not,get up right in his face and get his attention with a big,"hell no"! i for one,am like a jackass. you have to get my attention so you can tell me something is wrong! most men are that way.bet your momma never told you that! if something is missing,get our attention, then tell us,if you don`t ,don`t storm through the house slaming doors because we said "that`s nice honey" |
here`s a little thing i picked up on the internet i`ll share,
This 102 year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and face shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
and the sixth rule if you married
6. get our attention if something is wrong!
1/9/2006 8:05 pm
I am not sure in my response where I said the men were not listening. I got the impression they were doing all the talking... asking for intmacy. And I agree that society puts a great deal of crap on women as far as appearances. Most men I know take care of themselves, but in general do not care what Joe thinks. And while sharing stories, I have a personal one. In a bar one night with some students of mine I made a bet with the female bartender. I said that we will ask every woman at the bar if they dress for women or for men. If "women" was the majority answer drinks all night would be free for us, if "men" we would not only pay a tip as we would normally, but give her a $100.00 additional tip. The women admitted they dress for other women buy a margin of 65 to 35 percent. So women seem to put more pressure on themselves than do the men. And at home, it seems these men are accepting their wives... not walking away. That is the confusing part. If I understand you... you are saying through their actions the women are talking, communication to the men something is wrong? If that is the case, you are right. They better verbalize it, scream it, because most people will guess wrong. And that is what they are being asked to do... guess.
On your points... I agree, except in the implementation especially with 6. Do not leave something to chance... get the attention and "clearly" explain the problem. A misdirected solution only exasterbates the problem.
1/10/2006 5:51 pm
"His wife said, “where is my hug and kiss? Or am I being punished for last night? "|
Well honey in a way YES, I'm feeling the intimatcy this morning. And yes dear I'm sure that some of it has to do with being rejected last night.
"1) If it feels good to have an orgasm, and each wife seems to indicate that it does, then why the constant rejection?"
People learn to use sex as a tool. They should not do so within a a marriage though. Women can make a man feel like the one on the corner selling such services might just be easier. Men really are much more simple than society desires to make them. But they need to get their nut off often, and they will find a way to do just that too.
2) Why the diminished intimacy? This is, I think, a learned behavior. Though we all do things now and again that are just plain going to piss off your mate, it should not take an argument to fix it. It's simple really. Mack, please change your behavior or your address. Simple right?
Is this universal? Only when dealing with homo sapiens.
Or is this group of men, about (20+) just an anomaly? They are all too normal. I'd also venture that they are also not all telling the truth either.
"I know a few who romance the hell out of their wives all to no avail. "
Yes indeed and those women need to find another provider of roof food and credit cards too!
"The father is very active with kids’ activities which cause him to sped longs nights coaching. Add in work he is on the go from 6:30 AM until 11.00 PM… and from what he tells me still tries for some intimacy but is rejected all but 364 days a year."
OK the guy is either getting fucked alot or is that supposed to have said he gets it once a year from his wife? BTW with his schedule she does not even know what he looks like! Now I'll also suspect that he has choosen to take all this time away from her as he does not like her, can't stand to be around her, or some other combination that seems to keep him away. I'd suggest to go ask his mistress.
"then there are the men,simple wanting comfortable mariages,and excepting thing as they are.most just get too comfortable and except too many thing as they are,and feeling everything is alright!"
Such is a very good point also. We become lazy within our RL's. We both forget that it takes two to have one. Too much retraction from one will lead to some from the other. Busy lives today, way too many women think they have to be like the TV moms that are dipcted as super moms! Ladies, you don't.
Maybe more later, gotta go
1/11/2006 2:55 pm
Interesting so far that the only posted responses to the blog are men and yet the "ladies" were asked the question.|
I know the one guy in question... once a year having sex and a coach. I absolutely guarantee you, no affair. Maybe it is time to move on regardless of the effect it may have on the HS kids he has. And as for coaching... it is only during hockey season so she must recognize him sometime during the year, at least during the hug and kiss in the AM when it is safe! In the same breath, I guarantee you that some of the 20 are not being entirely truthful.
If you can learn loss of intimacy... you can unlearn it... but how? I think that is really what this blog is all about.
Funny thing, this month in Oprah magazine, and yes I admit I sometimes read it partially because one of my children is involved with its publication... there are several articles on these issues. "What to do after intimacy is gone", "Comfort in Marriages" and similar articles. Maybe I'll go read it since at least Oprah can give us some insight if the "women" who read this blog cannot.
Why is that ladies?
And Top... do I agree with one of your statements... "it takes two to have one." No truer words were ever written.