Why must rough sex be opt-out?  

rm_Kinjukinji 49M/39F
141 posts
11/2/2005 10:12 am

Last Read:
10/4/2006 5:22 am

Why must rough sex be opt-out?

OK. This rant has been brewing for over a month, and I can't hold it in anymore, so be prepared for some vile words and pure vitriol.

Where the h*** on our profile does it say that we like rough sex? If you are going to look for it, don't bother: It doesn't say that. It doesn't mention bondage. It doesn't talk about nipple pinching or hair pulling in a positive way. In fact, our profile, unchanged from the first day on AdultFriendFinder, says:

In the bedroom, what types of activities are OFF LIMITS to you?
Sadomasochism, Urolagnia (Water Sports/Urine), Fetishes, Candle Wax, Breast/Nipple Torture, Clamps, etc., Leather, Latex, Fisting

But that shouldn't really matter, now should it? I don't take your money without your approval, I don't go into your home without it, and I certainly don't physically abuse you without your prior, express permission. I can't rationalize any reason why you would assume that you can.

And yet, both encounters that we have had, men have abused my wife, the last leading to bleeding , bruising, and my wife using the Thai word for in the description of her feelings about it. I have tried to be broad-minded about this, and have spoken to other members here in an attempt to get my head around it, but I can't. I can't accept that people think it's OK to hurt others without asking them if it's OK first. I won't allow my wife to be hurt when all she wants is fun.

Rough sex should not be opt-out: It must be opt-in. If it isn't, then it is termed assault, not rough sex, and I believe in escalatory retaliation.

If you are a guy reading this and wondering why the women aren't calling you back, maybe it's because you are hurting them and they don't like it. Maybe you'd be better off asking her what she likes and trying to give it to her. This is why my wife comes 2-4 times during sex with me but didn't with either of the guys we met here.

We're continuing on with this adventure, but if we meet another person like this, I will leave him a bloody mess and not bother with his hospital bill. You are warned.

ArmorMonadCharm 44F

11/2/2005 2:00 pm

BDSM isn't abuse........
Many people get it confused.

Safe, Sane & Consentual.


rm_Kinjukinji 49M/39F
64 posts
11/2/2005 6:25 pm

BDSM is abuse if it isn't consentual! I can't just hit you without you agreeing to it, which is what I said in my rant. If people agree to it, then I have no problem. But you shouldn't have to explicitly say "I don't like being hurt" in a relationship with another person.

ArmorMonadCharm 44F

11/2/2005 9:01 pm

When you play with someone I would hope you talk about soft limits and hard limits before hand. The use of safe words, and having a safe call as well.

I'm not new to this lifestyle.
'Nilla lifestyle is different than a BDSM one.
And I would hope that you have similiar interests,
and kinks when playing.

You sound a little confused about the BDSM lifestyle.
Safe, Sane & Consensual is the key, or a good part of it.


rm_Kinjukinji 49M/39F
64 posts
11/2/2005 9:48 pm

I'm not confused about the BDSM lifestyle. I'm not claiming that all or even most people who are into BDSM begin without asking first. You seem confused, because I did not even mentioning the BDSM lifestyle in my original post, except as a copy of my profile. I am saying that we have met abusive people twice now. We met for a swap, not pain. My wife just cried for the fifth morning in a row.

I fully agree that ground rules should be discussed prior. I feel resposible for that. I agree that we should make sure that we are compatible. That doesn't, however, change the basic fact that I am talking about.

If a woman wears the wrong kind of clothing or goes into the wrong part of town, it's dangerous. That doesn't mean that her is not responsible. If I travel at night (or really anywhere) with large amount of cash showing, I'm stupid. The person who hits me over the head and takes my money is still at fault, though.

We should have talked more explicitly. We should have left the lights on, and I should have insisted that they leave them on when they turned them off for the second time. My wife should have immediately drawn the line when someone did something that she didn't like. I am not arguing these points. As I said in my rant, I talked to people about it to get their opinions for days. They, like you, seemed to indicate that we were in the wrong for not drawing the lines clearly enough.

Last night, however, I realized that, no matter what we did wrong or should have done to protect ourselves, these men were ultimately at fault. You cannot assume that it's OK to hurt someone. You just can't. Every modern society is based on that ideal. If you know a man who disagrees with that, I can easily change his mind by using a baseball bat on him without his permission. He will see the light, for sure.

You and I are talking at cross purposes, here. You seem to be defending a lifestyle which I am not attacking. BDSM is fine for some people, but not for us. If you want to do it with another, and both agree, then that's fine. Whatever you both enjoy. I'm a Libertarian. You get to choose your lifestyle. My entire rant was about men (BDSM? I don't know) who seem to think that it's OK to hurt my wife without her permission. That's not BDSM, that's assault, and I will treat it as such.

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