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A woman and her ever-nagging husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away.
The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.
Surprised, the undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car it the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
Q. "What do you call a deer that's lost it's left eye?
A. "No idea"
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing.
She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
A Robber holds a gun to a Mans' head and says "Give me all your money or I'll blow your brains out!! The Man says "please don't, I haven't got any!!"
9/23/2006 2:21 pm
LOL i have to say they were all good !|
9/24/2006 12:50 pm
Glad you got a kick out of them. I have friends that like to send me jokes and I post (or forward) the ones I hadn't heard/read previously! Have a great evening!|