to cheat or not to cheat, that seems to be the question...  

rm_JuicyJulia2 41F
520 posts
9/15/2005 12:24 pm

Last Read:
4/27/2007 7:06 am

to cheat or not to cheat, that seems to be the question...

I am working on a post about the concept of cheating because it seems to be a hot topic on this site. Unfortunately, it is too long and discombobulated for me to post it at the moment, so just to get the ball rolling... i would like to hear from any of you out in AdultFriendFinder-land, your definitions of cheating and your objections, limits to or reasons for extra-marital sex.

All good intentions aside, what if in your attempt to foresake all others you find yourself faced to foresake all sex? Reasons could be if their partner's willingness or ability to faciliate a sex life is chronically neglected, expotentially diminish, grossly incompatiable or is just completely dead for reasons such as mental illness, disabilties, incarcaration, habitual fighting, paralysis, etc.

When is enough enough? or how long is too long to be denied your right to sex? Marriage, in fact, is a legally binding contract with such deliberate ambiguity regarding your spousal duties and justifiable expectations, that we must self-govern our boundaries as such and herein lies the conflict.


HardlyYours4Now 52M

9/15/2005 12:53 pm

I know I'll get hammered by others for this, but I think 'cheating' is more about a mental state than an action. 'Chronic neglect' would be a good way of summing up my home life, and there comes a point (and that's the question, isn't it?) where a spouse 'cheats' by withholding (implicit in the vows - 'to have and to hold'; she ain't having, and she ain't holding).

Does that justify me going elsewhere? I think so. Others vehemently disagree. Funny how people who denounce 'prudish views' get very righteous when it isn't them in this situation. The strongest damnation I've received has been from couples who are actively swinging.

Does it sound like this is a hot-button issue for me?


DallasPhallus56 60M

9/15/2005 1:15 pm

Let me put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. What if you were the one who could not give your partner sexual pleasure? If there were good reason to keep the marriage together, would you consider it okay for your partner to have extracurricular sex? Ah, but with sex is usually emotion, and so sex with someone other than the spouse usually strengthens the emotion with the sex partner and weakens it with the spouse. So it really isn't about sex so much as love and caring.

My occasional "playmate" Beth is in this situation. She gets sex at most a couple of times a month, and not very good sex. However, she has not formed an emotional attachment with me, which is unusual. She comes here for one thing only. Her boyfriend is vaguely aware that she might be getting some elsewhere, doesn't really like it, but cannot stop her.

On the other hand, I think if I were married and in such a condition where I couldn't provide sexual pleasure, I would perhaps condone my wife finding one lover to satisfy that need. After all, why deprive her? I might even want to know the juicy details.


HeadToYourToe 63M

9/15/2005 1:25 pm

It's been over a year since my wife and I have had sex. I haven't cheated on her in our 25 years of marriage. But I'm not able to unravel the myriad, psychological knots that keep her from bein gable to relax and enjoy her body. I've finally had it. I'm not willing to go to my grave without ever again enjoying real live sex with a woman. So why not just divorce her so you don't have to cheat ... there's a lot of complications in that direction also.


rm_JuicyJulia2 41F
98 posts
9/15/2005 2:33 pm

awww... headtoyourtoe, that makes me sad to read and feel your pain... everyone who is quick to judge other's for seeking some kind of happiness in their lives is both shallow and selfish, because if they knew the whole story, they would realize that everybody hurts sometimes, and not all affairs are the result of selfish impulses and greedy lust. I hope you happiness somehow, we all deserve to laugh and be loved, it's a human need.


johnyplz 54M
2 posts
9/15/2005 3:18 pm

DallasPhallus brings up an interesting dilemma, "what if you were the one who could not give your partner sexual pleasure?" Would I consider it okay for my partner to have extracurricular sex? For me it is a question of desire, have I or has my partner lost the desire or drive for sex. I have not she has. Am I looking for a new "relationship", no, I am looking for sex. So I guess I am saying that if it is only for the sake of sexual fulfillment then it is not cheating. But if it is for the fulfillment of an emotional need then it is cheating.


rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
9/15/2005 3:54 pm

"Cheating" is a loaded word and one usually applied from the outside. No one can ever know, inspite of verbal exchanges, the full impact driving an individula's choices. The individual may not even be fully aware. As long as anyone is willing to be responsible for their choices, no one has the right to judge, althought many have chosen to wear the robe of Miss Justice. Do you suppose her blindfold has another purpose?


realmom2 58M/50F

9/15/2005 5:41 pm

To me, sex for the sole purpose of physical pleasure, is not cheating. My husband taught me that, and until recently, I didn't agree with it. However, I've found out for myself, that one does not need an emotional committment to enjoy sex with someone. I get all the love, caring, and emotional support I need from my husband, not to mention great sex, and he's my best friend, but I can have sex with anyone without feeling guilty because it's only physical. My husband and I are very much in love with each other, and our marriage is a happy one, but hey, sex is fun. And no, my husband did'nt get me into this life style to justify his extramarital affairs, because he's never had one, honestly. He gets his enjoyment by sharing me with others. Yes, he's a voyeur, but I love him. If you're contemplating "cheating" on your spouse, go for it, but be prepared, not everyone is as free spirited as us. Better to try including your spouse, if that's not possible, at least you tried. Just my opinion.


rm_JuicyJulia2 41F
98 posts
9/16/2005 12:08 am

i absolutely agree with all of you that sex isn't cheating as long as it lacks any emotional attachments. Any one can be a good sex partner, but not everyone will have the personalities to form a close personal bond and deep meaningful emotional attachments.

To address Dallas Phallus, I do not believe that love is a possession.If I could not give him the sex and physical attention he needs, I would really have very little choice than to be completely unselfish and allow him to have those needs met that I vowed to do myself. Additionally, any woman who sits around listneing to her husband beg her for sex and continues to deny him, is simply asking for him to cheat and in effect she is giving him no other options.
Thanks for writing all~
Love, Peace and KY Grease,
Julia


rm_TwiztedCharm 56M
456 posts
9/16/2005 12:07 pm

Cheating ? Don' remember it don't count -- so raise a glass and drink up


digdug41 49M

9/16/2005 12:17 pm

I'm sorry I didnt see this yesterday I'm married and its going rather well I dont have a compulsive need to cheat but I really do like women and if I get the chance to experience a sexual interlude with one thats all it is I dont want to leave my wife for it thats ridiculous.it seems to me after exploring the chat rooms that it's ok for a woman to have something on the side but if a man does it he's a piece of shit? go figure I dont know I cant call it? all I can say is if I'm sexually attracted to you and you say yes I'm not saying no

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


rm_amene0n 43M

9/25/2005 11:00 am

Hm...personally, cheating is what you define it as. It's too easy for any of us to say that it isn't cheating as long as it fits the framework we've already defined. Whether or not it's wrong is another case of course. As far as cheating goes, my personal opinion is that anything you do without being open and honest about to your spouse, and with his/her consent, is cheating, although as mentioned above, there are cases when one could consider it both understandable and acceptable.

Me and my wife have an open marriage, so the problem doesn't really apply here, but we both agree that while sex is largely unproblematic and just fun, forming an emotional relationship with somebody else is more problematic.


AusTxman032 50M
62 posts
9/26/2005 11:11 am

You know...as a man in that position..of not getting it very often or very good....I can relate. I think men are less emotional then women...so they can have sex...and not get committed. If you can find a woman that will also not get emotional about it...and just enjoy the experience, the fun, the sheer pleasure...then it is not cheating. Sex is a natural state...and by no means I feel was designed to be limited to one partner. Our bodies dont work that way...they need it. Without it there are definite emotional symptoms that suck.
I would not put my marriage or family in jeopardy...but for the emotional lift I get being with a woman..and enjoying her body..it makes me a better and happier man in the long run.
If I am shot down for that belief...so be it.


rm_JuicyJulia2 41F
98 posts
9/28/2005 11:13 pm

amene0n, true dat~ it's what you define it as, MY definition is that cheating is when you trap someone in a relationship or marriage- ESPECIALLY a MARRIAGE- where you are LITERALLY forming a LEGALLY BINDING contract to sleep with NO ONE else except your spouse... Well it's cheating when the spouse withholds sex, because the vow says 'forsaking all others' not 'forsaking each other' or 'forsaking all sex'! So if they break the contract first, in anyway... then RULES CHANGE~ BESIDES, anyone who withholds sex and then whines about getting "cheated" on is just a fool to believe they deserved anything else.

AusTxman032 - my point exactly~ Sex is just sex... love is love ~ you can love to have sex but not sex to have love... which is a BIG mistake in logic in most women's part.
Thanks for your input guys~
{=}


rm_JuicyJulia2 41F
98 posts
9/28/2005 11:15 pm

handleTwizted!~ I don't remember my first 9 birthdays... does that mean I i don't have to count them too? SWEET!!!

HEY, that was my old motto, I guess you can have it now, I don't really need it anymore.....


italstallion35 56M
2 posts
10/25/2005 3:25 am

Julia,
Just responding to your erotic story as to how to have a juicy orgasm.
I can tell you that I have been using that technique of two fingers palm up inside after stimulating a woman's clit for a long time. You are so right...it drives them absolutely crazy. They say to me "what are you doing to me??" "no one has ever done that before" They can't hold back and cum harder than they ever have. If I am ever near canton I will contact you and we can share what you have been talking about. I can go for hours on end without stopping and it would be heaven together


Rockhard2x6 54M

12/6/2005 9:41 am

If you don't count the two or three times a year that you get sympathy sex, then it would be 13 years or the length of my marriage. Painfully True.


sfvppl818 50M/50F

4/29/2006 12:10 am

    Quoting HardlyYours4Now:
    I know I'll get hammered by others for this, but I think 'cheating' is more about a mental state than an action. 'Chronic neglect' would be a good way of summing up my home life, and there comes a point (and that's the question, isn't it?) where a spouse 'cheats' by withholding (implicit in the vows - 'to have and to hold'; she ain't having, and she ain't holding).

    Does that justify me going elsewhere? I think so. Others vehemently disagree. Funny how people who denounce 'prudish views' get very righteous when it isn't them in this situation. The strongest damnation I've received has been from couples who are actively swinging.

    Does it sound like this is a hot-button issue for me?
Very well put!
Always have felt that the more someone feels committed the more boundaries have become important to the people involved, and honestly the couple isn't looking in the first place. The subtle separation, which I think you are saying, is the moment when a man - typically - starts to withhold important details about how he feels about her. That's the tip-off to a woman, by the way.

Secondly, I don't find it surprising that swingers are the most bizarre about cheating - they are like the agitating person at work who can't wait to tell you how long he/she smoked and how good it is to quit.

That person thinks you are receiving motivation to do what he/she did, but all this person is doing is selling him/herself on a job well done, even though their world is miserable.


cumhavefun1976 40M/40F
8 posts
1/5/2007 6:30 pm

Julia & respondants,
We just wanted to say that by far this was the most intersting blog we have come accross - well done - keep it up


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