|Blogs > rm_JohnMacLaine > Expanding My Reality|
May 18, 2006
May 18, 2006
I sometimes wonder if there is a reason for all the strife, horror, violence, and abuse in the world. Is there a greater lesson trying to be taught or is it just that people donít care anymore about the results of their actions. Do people not understand there are ramifications of how you treat other people, how your actions could change a person's life for the better or for worse, depending how disgusting your behavior is? There seems to be a lot of stories going around the blogs these days of abuse, whether it be as a child or as an adult. Parents abusing children, both physically and mentally, spouses abusing spouses whether, through sex or violence, and I wonder in my simple little mind, why people do this to each other.
I am not a psychologist, I am not a counselor, I am just a simple person trying to make a go of this thing called life, and I just want to grow old gracefully, while providing a better life for my son. I donít have any urges to hurt anyone, I donít have fantasies about children, or fantasies of making a woman my slave, I just want a normal life, with happiness for both myself and my son. They say abuse has a way of making the abused abusers, but I donít believe that. As a human being, I am responsible for my actions, for the choices I make, and, to a certain degree, for the lives I touch.
At age 10 I was molested by a babysitter, and during that time, I did not understand what was being done to me. She was kind, she was loving, but I was too young to understand that it was wrong. Maybe that is a male reaction, or maybe I was in denial, I donít know. The memories I have of that time are clear, I remember most of it, and although it stopped after only a few months, I remember being afraid of her when my parents let her go. I talked to my mother about it years later, and it appears that she is in complete denial over the whole thing. She told me that the reason they fired her was because of the alcohol that was missing from the bar in the house. I clearly remember telling my mother about the molestation on the way home from the store one day in the car, and the next day she was gone. I remember when all of this first started the sitter telling me if I was to say anything about it she would hurt me, but immediately after my mother fired her, she came to my room (I remember cowering in the corner of my room) hugged me and said it was ok, then left. I never saw her again.
As I look on that time 30 years later, I am not scarred, I do not have any ill effects from it, nor any mental issues arise from it. I do not abuse my son, I do not abuse anyone, I am kind, gentle, pretty normal, and do not dwell on that time in my life. In fact, this is the first I have spoken or written about it in about 15 years. I am not diminishing what happened to me, nor am I trying to trivialize what has happened to others, I am simply stating that I am one of the lucky ones. My ex, on her other hand is not so lucky. She has recently discovered memories of her past that involve her mother, her grandfather, and her uncle. These memories have had a profound effect on her and she is struggling with them on a daily basis. She has begun counseling in regards to what happened to her, and she feels that the onset of her Crohn's disease at the age of 11 is a direct result of the trauma she endured as a child. We are all trying to support her in this difficult time, and she is coping as best that she can. I dont pretend to say that her experience and what happened to her is the same that happened to me. Being abused by a family member is so much more traumatic than if it were an outsider, I cant begin to compare hers to mine. So on top of her Crohn's disease she has to deal with the mental issues of her past as well. Add to that she is on the prescription drug Prednisone, and that usually messes with the emotions as well. I pray for her every night, hoping we can all make it through this rough time.
As for the other goings on in my life, I am settling in at work, getting more comfortable, and everyone there has been fantastic. I have 6 cars out for the month, and I have several other prospects in the works, should be a productive month for me. I am well, I am happy, and I am becoming more relaxed than I have been in years. I am happy I have my family around me, I am getting used to the routine, and I see big and better things for myself in my life. Now if only I could meet someone to share my life with, I would be truly happy. I have stopped trying, i have stopped looking for it, as the advice from you folks here have suggested, maybe that way the woman I am looking for will just pop into my life all of a sudden and sweep me off my feet.
"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi
5/19/2006 5:02 am
It is true,in most cases..when you stop looking..they appear..that is really how I met the 3 biggest loves I had..when I least expected it.|