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A change, and a revelation - Part 2
A change, and a revelation - Part 2
Before I continue my story, today is day 4 and I am still smoke free.......
I remember the long trek to Daytona via the entire length of I-4 that day, and it seemed like I would never get there. I didn't know how she would react to me, nor did I know how I would react to her. I remember the butterflies growing in my stomach all the way there, and hoping that she would not be disappointed and that I would not scare her off, because she told her husband a lame excuse as to what she was doing and where she was going that day (shopping in St Augustine, I believe). I arrived around noon at the Days Inn just off the interstate, and she had not arrived yet. I sat there for what seemed like forever, when in fact it was only a matter of a few minutes. She pulled up in her car, parked it right next to mine, and got out of her car. I remember the smile she gave me when she got out. It was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen in my life. She was beautiful, sexy, and yet she had this look of innocence to her, like she had never done anything like this before, I could tell she was nervous, but I could also tell she was pleased with me. We agreed to drive over to The Ale House(Sports Bar), and have lunch and talk. We both agreed that today's meet would be mostly talk, and that she had to be home by no later than five, which only gave us a few hours. We sat in the Restaurant for nearly an hour and a half when we agreed to leave and go for a walk. There was a park nearby with a picnic table and I walked her in that direction.
Up to this point the conversation was mostly about our lives and what it was that brought us to this point. She told me how incredibly routine her life had become, how unenchanted she had become with her marriage, not to mention that her husband was a bit of a stuffed shirt, and did not excite her in the bedroom anymore. She said that the age difference between them may play a part in it, but the fact remained that despite her disappointment she still loved him very much (than why was she here with me?). She said that part of it may be her fault, due to the fact she needed more excitement in her life than he could bring, yet she could never bring herself to tell him how she felt. She had put off her career after becoming pregnant on their wedding night, therefore the decision was made that she would stay home with their son while he worked. Well over the years it became too difficult for him to pay the bills with one job, therefore he took on a second job, rather than her finding work. She may have grown to resent him for that, putting a hold on her career and her freedom by making her stay home with Jason, but she agreed to it, because she felt it was important for her to be home with their son and make sure that he was raised right. I explained to her my situation, that I had not had a serious relationship since my divorce in '96, and that I did not feel that I would ever marry again. My son was 6 by this time and I had moved from Daytona in 98 to Tampa in order to be closer to him and be able to assist my ex with the raising of our son, though we would be living in separate households. I still love my ex because she is the mother of my child, but I can not be around her for too long or else we would be at each others throats. I get along with her fine, so long as we don't live or sleep together.
I walked Gail over to the park, and the moment we got there, we turned to each other and kissed each other for the first time. It was like fireworks going off in my brain, it was erotic, passionate, and intense. I don't ever remember a first kiss either before or since then that had such an effect on me as this one did. we sat there for the next hour or so, we held each other, kissed some more, and talked about anything we could think of. The time came for her to leave, and regretfully, I let her go. She occupied my mind the entire trip home, and by the time I reached Tampa I knew that after 6 months talking on line, and the few short hours we just spent together, I was in love with this woman. I wanted to know how I let myself get like this, how I allowed myself to fall in love with another man's wife, but I soon found out that I was not the only one that was feeling this way. I chatted with her on line that night and she told me how she felt, that the meeting was the most intense, romantic, and exciting thing she had done in years and that she had fallen in love with me, as much as she tried not to, she couldn't help herself and although the feeling was wonderful to her, so began the eventual guilt she was feeling. Greg was a good man, a good provider and she did love him, but she could not ignore the feelings she was having for me.
So began a long 2 1/2 year relationship/affair with what would eventually become the love of my life. How it got out of control I will never know, but we managed to hide it from her family, as well as most of our on line friends for well over two years. We met several times after that, mostly in her town, as she was not as free to drive here as I was to drive there. we met in Hotels and I would stay there, she would come over, and leave a few hours after that. It was nearly a year after first talking to each other that we made love for the first time. I was nervous, she was nervous, yet it was very romantic, very intense, and she told me later that she had done things with me that first night that she had never done with her husband. You all can judge me as you want, but the feelings we had for each other were very real, and although we have not talked in over six months, I know that some of those feelings still linger in both of us nearly four years after we broke it off. She is the only woman I have been with that was able to sit and talk with me about anything; sex, politics, religion, football, current events, being a parent, and just about anything else you can think of that two people can sit and talk about. She talked to me about her marriage, I talked to her about my work, my son, everything. This is the only woman that totally knows me inside and out, 100% through and through. She knows more about me that my ex wife ever did, my mother, or any other woman I have been involved with before or since. The entire relationship, all we had time for was to talk to each other either through a keyboard, or the phone, so we found subjects to discuss.
I have been somewhat empty since parting ways, simply because I don't have that avenue to let loose what I am feeling anymore and I am afraid that it is so buried and bottled up inside me that I fear I will never allow myself to get that close to someone again, for fear of losing it again. I know that I want to allow myself to go there, I have moved past the relationship, my feelings for Gail, and I have started a new career, become closer to my son, made new friendships and she is no longer a part of my daily thoughts, my daily life, and she has moved on with hers as well. In August of 2002, she actually spent a week with me here in Tampa. she again made up a story to Greg as to what she was going to be doing. The fifth day of that week she gets a call from Greg, telling her that he got on her computer, found the Emails that I had sent her, as well a the emails she sent back, and was going to begin divorce procedures. She was devastated, as was I because I knew that this was decision time. I knew that she was not strong enough, I knew that she would beg him to forgive her, and I knew that somehow, despite what he was saying to her, that it was over between her and I, and I also felt he would find a way to keep the marriage together. That is exactly what he did. She got home later that same day, he told her that he had been thinking most of the day and that even though she had betrayed him, and although it was a major blow to their marriage, he was still in love with her and he wanted her back. I got the call the next day, she told me what happened and what he said. I was speechless, to say the least. but for some reason I knew it was the right decision for her, simply because I was an outsider, I had less to lose. They had a son to raise, and despite all of the strife, they were a team. (I must look like a complete idiot to most of you by now) I was heartbroken, devastated, and I was unable to sleep for the better part of three days after talking to her that day.
We have kept in touch sporadically over the last 3 1/2 years, but despite all of the pain on both ends, despite everything, she has turned out for the better. She went back to school, got her degree and is now starting a new career of her own in the medical field. I could not be happier for her, and because I know she is a stronger person, and her marriage has actually gotten stronger, I no longer worry about her, and I have moved on, become a stronger person myself, but I still have an empty spot in my heart because I have been unable to find a woman that I can once again share everything with. Perhaps I never will, but I will continue to search for what I am looking for, whether it be on this site or not, and who knows, maybe I will find it again. I will certainly enjoy the search, if nothing else....
"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi
5/19/2006 12:21 pm
One could never be considered an "idiot" for feeling as you had. It is hard not feeling that way about yourself, but the truth of the matter is that you did have feelings for this woman, and apparently they were mutual. |
It seems to hurt the most when one actually does care about another, at least it is what I think. It is unfair that many have felt or gone through this very thing. It happens but you are not to blame for having feelings and hope that it was something that could end up for the best for the both of you. It strengthens and allows us to become more aware of our own ideals and what and what we will not do...again.
Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry that it happened to you.