Who Does Your Life Belong To?  

rm_JocelynRenee 54T
51 posts
10/7/2005 10:00 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Who Does Your Life Belong To?

Hi all, I'm a 43 yo bisexual TV living in Morgantown, WV. My wife and I own a retail-oriented business and have 3 children. I've been dressing to one degree or another for 31+ years so I've felt the pain of hiding from my friends and loved ones and denying the real me. Today I am happily living a dual life and having fun with "Jocelyn" as often as I can. Here's how I did it...

About 7 years ago, my wife accidentally discovered my secret. She had lots of questions, but the bottom line is she was very accepting and today we go out regularly as girlfriends. Though obviusly a relief, her acceptance is not what brought me true happiness. That came from asking myself a simple question: "Who does my life belong to?" For most of us, the obvious answer, "Me", is waaayy down the list, behind such people as family, friends, clients, bosses, pastors, etc., etc. But should it be that way?

Don't get me wrong, in my book my wife and children always come before me. By the same token, I'd hope that my wife would feel the same way towards me; thus enabling her to accept that part of why she loves me so much is that my femme side makes me a better man. Happily, that is the situation I find myself in. If that had not been the case, however, I would have had to seriously consider whether I was willing to eliminate an innate part of me for the sake of marital harmony with a woman that I would have ultimately come to resent as being selfish.

So, I certainly see the value of putting your immediate family ahead of yourself, but what about everyone else? Why do we choose to allow casual acquaintances and total strangers to control our lives? It's fear...fear of being laughed at, fear of being rejected, fear of suffering financially...

At some point I got sick of the fear. I became so fed up with it that I started to resent those around; they were keeping me from my true self and keeping me from being happy. But, were they really doing all that? None of my friends had ever called me and said, "You know, if I ever see you in a dress, I'm going to stop being your friend." No clients ever threatened to stop doing business with us because I might be wearing panties. Finally it dawned on me: I was living in a self-imposed closet!

So, I put together a few my best photos (tasteful ones of course), composed an email explanation, and sent it to my closest friends. I then followed that up with an in-person visit. Some of them said it was kinda weird; some of them said I looked better than their wives LOL; some of them confided their own secrets; and some of them were quite interested. Not one of them stopped being my friend. And you know what? If any of them had stopped being my friend; they weren't really my friend in the first place. All I would have lost is one more obstacle to being happy.

The next thing on my to-do list was to go out dressed. Halloween was coming up and since that's the TGirls New Year, my wife and I decided to go to a party at a local gay club. I don't think I have ever been as nervous as I was stepping out of the car and heading for the door to the club. A million fears went through my mind: What if someone laughs? What if I see someone we know?

Of course, there was a line out the door, so we had to wait. Within 5 seconds of settling into line, who do we see, our 4th grade son's teacher. Not only that, but we had just had a teacher/parent conference with her that afternoon. After the three of us recovered enough to speak, we all hugged and had a great laugh. Turns out she is a lesbian and this was her first trip to the club. She was worried about running into someone she knew. LOL

Once we arrived inside I felt a lot safer, but it didn't last long. On the way to the bar we ran into 7 clients. Each step I took it seemed another disaster was waiting for me. But you know what? They all were enormously supportive and made me feel welcome. Throughout the night we continued to bump into people we knew through our business. Each time it was the same reaction and each time I felt a little more comfortable and a little more happy to be me.

That night was 7 years ago and I've never looked back since. I've had my ups and my downs; lots of fantastic experiences, and a few negative ones. I've made more new friends in my "other" life than I ever would have imagined, and best of all, I'm happy to truly be me...for the first time in most of my adult life.

Coming out poses all sorts of risks. The question for me was "Who does my life belong to?" At the end of my days, what matters most is not how many clients I had or which of my family members or friends hate me. What will matter is that the people by my side love me unconditionally and that I loved the brief time I was granted on this earth. My suggestion for all my lonely sisters is to take control of your life, find a support group or a T-friendly club and get out there. If my experience can serve as a guide, you'll be surprised at how much acceptance you will find and you can begin living your life the way you were intended. Good luck

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