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Welcome to the Real World
Welcome to the Real World
Hey, guess what? The real world ain't such a bad place to be. Why in the world did I spend so much time fearing it? For as long as I can remember, I've felt like I had a dual soul; neither male or female, I have always been something in between. Looking back, I think I always suspected that my femme side made me a better person, yet I spent so many years suppressing it - pity.
At the dawn of a new year I feel like I've graduated; to where or what I am still not sure, but it feels great. Over the holidays I got dressed up and went Christmas shopping - in the middle of the day! It was just a short outing, but it was a milestone in an emerging story. Tonight, my wife and I went to the mall for a girl's shopping spree. We hit about a dozen stores, tried on dresses, got something to eat, and just generally had a ball. Oh, and we also picked up a couple of great dresses and new shoes for New Year's Eve. In days past, the new clothes would have been the main story, but tonight was a case of the journey being the reward.
There are so many things I enjoy about being a girl. Yes, the clothes are better and it's great fun being able to change your look with makeup or a different wig, but there is so much more to it. The femme me is more approachable and more outgoing. Women are more talkative to other women. You never see a guy telling a perfect stranger about a particularly great bargain or complimenting another man's shoes, but women do that all the time. Tonight a very nice lady in her 60s asked me if I could wear a size 2. For a split second, I panicked. I've yet to develop a femme voice, so talking to strangers is not something I'm eager to do. Unfortunately, my wife was a few aisles away so I couldn't rely on her to bail me out. So, I used my "phone voice" (I get called ma'am 2 or 3 times a day on the phone) and ended up in a 5 minute conversation with her about a gorgeous sweater that was marked down 75%. It was too small for her, but she thought I would appreciate knowing it was buried in a rack. Wow, how cool is that?
All told, we spent a little of two hours shopping, laughing, and having a ball. If anyone read me, I'm not aware of it, but it really wouldn't have mattered to me if they did. After about half-an-hour, I found that I was no longer whispering to my wife in hushed tones or looking around nervously waiting for some teen girl to squeal, "That's a guy!" If I was in a more cynical mood, I suppose I would be lamenting why it took me so darn long to get to this point. Worrying about time lost just isn't in my nature though; I'm just excited by the prospects for this new found freedom.
It is a bit strange to reflect on the past 31 years. Today I am so different from the person who, just seven years ago, was ashamed and afraid. I am so different from the person who, one year ago, started dressing again and going out clubbing. I am so different from the person who came out to his children and in-laws a few short weeks ago. Somewhere along the line, being a girl has become "no big deal". The sexual thrill from putting on a pair of pantyhose is gone, but it's been replaced by something even better; peace. No more wondering, worrying, or shame; just peaceful acceptance. Oh, the male part of me is still there; strong as ever, but improved by my femme side.
Looking back, 2005 was a great year for me and I hope it was kind to you as well. I'm looking forward to what 2006 will bring my way and excited by the promise my new found peace portends. I have met so many wonderful people online the past few months, but I have been saddened by the amount of pain in our community. I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, but I do have a prayer in my heart for my sisters who are struggling with their identity. As I come to the end of this post, I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road" and some of the lyrics struck me as apropos:
You can hide 'neath your covers?And study your pain?Make crosses from your lovers?Throw roses in the rain?Waste your summer praying in vain?For a saviour to rise from these streets?Well now I'm no hero?That's understood?All the redemption I can offer girl?Is beneath this dirty hood?With a chance to make it good somehow?Hey what else can we do now ??Except roll down the window?And let the wind blow?Back your hair?Well the night's busting open?These two lanes will take us anywhere?We got one last chance to make it real?To trade in these wings on some wheels?Climb in back?Heaven's waiting on down the tracks?Oh-oh come take my hand?We're riding out tonight to case the promised land?Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road?Lying out there like a killer in the sun?Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run?Oh Thunder Road sit tight take hold?Thunder Road
So, my wish for 2006 is that we can all roll down the windows, let the wind blow our hair, and find the promised land of self-acceptance and self-love.
Best wishes for a safe and prosperous New Year to all my brothers and sisters....
1/3/2006 3:03 am
Thank you for all your beautiful blog entries. They have been an inspiration and real comfort to me as I’ve moved forward on my journey letting Jackie out. Its still hard for me to realize that its only been about 4 months since this journey started for me as I look back on just how far I’ve already come. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more comfortable as I have in the last 3 weeks since letting my fem persona have complete control, relegating my male persona to work hours only. I still have a long ways to go in my journey since I’ve yet to come out to my wife, kids or family and I know that will be the hardest part of all. I’ve already made the decision that this will happen fairly soon, as I want to present it on my terms and not wait to be accidentally discovered first. That way I will have more control of the situation to present it in the best light possible and not have to just do damage control.
Well I’ve rambled on more than I had intended so I’m again going to thank you for me and all our sisters for all of the help you’ve given us through your writing. May God bless you and give you all the help you need on your journey through 2006.