Decisions, Descisions  

rm_James20910 52M
182 posts
1/2/2006 7:56 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Decisions, Descisions

OK...my NY friends dropped a bomb on me on New Years. They are a lesbian couple that I've known for many, many years and they want my help to become pregnant.

I'm massively flattered. In fact, if they'd decided to ask one of our other male friends to help out, I'd even feel a little hurt or jealous that they didn't ask me first. If they'd asked somebody closer, I would have completely understood, but I still would have had that faint voice in the background whispering, "Hey man...what am I? Chopped liver?"

I already have a daughter. She's 17 going on 40 and has at times been the causal factor in the expansion of my gray hair. But the experience of being her father has been the single greatest and most pleasurable thing I've known. I'm surprised I didn't have more.

I have kind of a big hump to get over to actually agree to my friends' request. After years of working my ass off (sorry...I've only got skin and bones back there now), I'm finally in a professional space where I can be open to having a relationship with a new woman. How would this new woman react to me agreeing to this request. I have a vision of the conversation, "Hi honey, I need to go up to NYC to meet with a client and bonk my lesbian friends because they are ovulating." Or how about trying to explain to a new woman that I recently fathered two children? I just don't think I could explain it in a sound bite?

If I do this, I need some boundaries. If I were to agree, it would have to be with the understanding that if I started with somebody new, I'd have to stop the effort. If I were to agree, I would need to have some role in there lives even if it wasn't a parental role--we've all been close so I don't think this will be an issue.

So now I'm seriously thinking about a tryst with a nice lesbian couple.

*James shakes his head ruefully at himself*


rm_RemBase 49F
15 posts
1/2/2006 3:59 pm

Hmm. I see you've already decided on this one, but I'll comment with my perspective anyhow, being in a similar situation in my life...

I'd made the mistake of scheduling my annual gyno on my 38th birthday, this past September. I say mistake, because birthdays are always already rough for me, due to having moved a lot as a kid, and always being brand new to a new school JUST in time for birthdays, so I always get a little generalized depression around that time that I have to consciously bolster against.

This year, however, having been through a multitude of evolutionary stages in my life, I had a few specific questions to ask my Ob/Gyn, not the least of which was, "How do I go about freezing my eggs?"

Y'see, I have a medical condition called PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). In my day to day, it means very little other than some annoying symptoms I have to deal with, such as extreme difficulty losing weight. However, the reason MOST people are diagnosed with it is that they're having trouble getting pregnant. When I was diagnosed about 10 years ago, I wasn't in a place where I wanted kids, so it wasn't too impactful.

I really, really want kids. Ideally two. Ideally one boy and one girl, and if we're making things perfect, they'd probably be twins (I'm chicken about giving birth, for one, and I think twins have very cool relationships with one another). HOWEVER...I want them in the context of a loving relationship with another human being. I'm selfish enough (or perhaps unselfish enough, depending on the perspective) to know that being a single parent would be bad for both me and the kid(s).

Since I have no such partner in sight in my life, I wanted to expand my options.

So when I ask my doc about this, she tells me "Well, you should do that right away...actually, it's pretty late to do it. In fact, there isn't much good technology yet for freezing just the eggs." In essence, I heard "Yeah, if you're lucky - you should've done this YESTERDAY!"

So I began research - only to discover that there IS egg freezing tech - very far behind sperm freezing and fertilized egg freezing (the latter being the ideal at present, apparently). It costs roughly $18,000 per attempt, and requires a SIX MONTH treatment of hormones to prepare for harvesting...and then has about a 4% success rate at my age - notwithstanding the medical condition of PCOS.

My best option is fertilized eggs, to be kept for a "someday" if I am ready to have kids. This, of course, requires a donor.

I have a friend who is the only human being I've met in life that I'd consider raising kids with...only he and I are unlikely to do so together. I thought about asking him, but for various reasons of where he was in life, didn't think it was appropriate.

Since then, we've discussed it and he said he'd absolutely be willing to do so, so long as he wasn't cut out of the kids' life if I had them. Since I can't imagine him out of my life, I can't see that being a problem.

The bigger emotional issue, one which I haven't yet worked out in my head, is that the idea of fertilized eggs equates to far more "real" potential for kids - and the temptation to have them alone if no one comes along for me. Which scares the crap out of me.

What I really wish is that I'd done something about this 10 years ago - but 10 years ago, I was sure I'd never ever bring kids into this world.

I know I'd be a fantastic parent, and better still, I'd raise amazing, world-shaping kids. And as tough and scary as the world is today, we need more good parents raising more good kids to keep our future bright.

We're screwed up in the US - we write legislation that keeps people who love each other from marrying, and makes it nigh on impossible for them to adopt kids, even though they may have a more stable, loving, long term relationship than the 50% divorce rate the US boasts. Biology is not love. Biology shouldn't be the hindrance to having and loving children. Desire and strength and compassion and love should be the reason children are brought into the world.

In your case, J, they're not asking you for a sex act - they're asking you for help with a biological necessity to allow them to do what it sounds like you believe they may be really suited to do - become parents. Make sure you consider all the components of your hesitation - do you fear BEING a father again, or NOT being a father again? Do you have some part of you that doesn't know if it's "right" for two women to parent a child, and does that impact your choice? Is it "more than biology" for you, and you'd feel some personal obligations that the mothers may or may not want of you? Would it make a difference either way if it were done artificially instead of through the "actual act?"

If you haven't, and you still want to consider it, make sure you have a NOT drunken 3 am talk with them about your (and their) fears, beliefs, expectations, etc, and make sure you have all the factors to weigh.

-R


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