The thing of it is...  

rm_IndigoJonez 52M
3 posts
4/8/2006 10:33 am

Last Read:
11/13/2006 9:24 am

The thing of it is...

I’m not too certain about this website thing. I know those good people at AdultFriendFinder have done a really thorough job and everything; but even so I’m beginning to detect a few flaws in the system. It concerns my mate Dave actually, and see he’s been on this site for ages ‒ or so he says. But now see, it’s all over for Dave. He’s lost it, and it’s all down to this site.

I hesitate to tell you everything. First because I’ll obviously betray some confidences, though I never actually promised ‒ it was just an ‘understanding’ if you get my meaning. But then, the truth is ‒ I am kinda absolved of all that. Well, partly absolved. I’ll get to the absolution later. The other reason is, well it’s just too weird. I mean, you probably won’t believe it. But it’s all true.

I’ve known Dave for years; since he joined the company. Which is where he met Marion. In fact, I was their best man. Now they have a place near Chelsea Bridge with a £200K mortgage and monthly outgoings that would make any bank manager weep.

So anyway Dave and Marion have been just fine these past three years; no rug-rats yet, both pulling in meaty salaries and looking like they had it all. But all the time Dave has been into this site and the odd thing about that is this; the best part for him is telling me all about his ladies ‒ as he likes to call them. Mostly these are housewives or eastern European girls looking to marry a Brit.

But then it all went wrong. In fact, these last couple of weeks have been like a soap opera:


Hi Dave.

Indy, I’ve done it... the fucking gold ring!

That’s great.

She is AMAZING. Just fucking amazing.

Oh, you mean someone from FFA. I’m with you now.

Last night, the best ‒ the absolute best ever.

Sounds interesting...

Fantastic? She's absolutely gorgeous. Just simply the best looking thing I’ve seen in months and she’s fucking crazy about me.

That is amazing. So how long has this been going on?

Since last night.

You met her last night?

No, not met her, found her. Found her on the site. She’s fucking the hottest babe I have even seen. Right up front with it too; wants to fuck my brains out, just dying for me to give her...

Dave, ... Dave... Dave, don’t be an idiot. She’s a hook. She’s a just hook to a porn-site.

No, that’s the thing of it. She’s real. She absolutely fucking real Indy. I spoke with her.

You spoke with her? You mean, on the phone?

Absolutely. For five hours.


Absolutely man. Five brain fucking hours. I’m shattered this morning.

You mean she actually gave you her phone number ‒ and you only connected last night?

I know. It was incredible. I just saw her photograph ‒ oh and Indy, she is just the most unbelievable...

OK, I’ve got the picture...

I sent her my usual, you know.. “Hi babe, I’ve taken a look at your profile and I love the way you...”

Let’s skip that part too Dave.

And straight away, like within five minute she replies. Really cool, really sexy...

What did she write?

She said: “I like you.”

Well, that’ll do it.

Right, so then we’re going back and forth, back and forth ‒ and her replies are like so quick, like so on the money, like we’ve known each other for months, like she’s right next door even...
Oh shit. Go on, where was she?
I’ll get to that later. So anyway, bing-bang-bing-bang ‒ our messages are flying back and forth.

What time was this?

About eleven-thirty.

And where’s Marian during all this?

Asleep man. She’s in the office before six these days to catch the Sydney market. So anyway, in no time we’re off the site and into emails. Back and forth, getting hotter and hotter. Then suddenly there’s like nothing for about thirty minutes. Nothing...
I went crazy. “Are you gone?” I say. “Have you vanished?”
Then BANG comes back the reply - “No, you silly boy, I haven’t disappeared. I’m right here.”

She’s got you now. So, where is ‘here’ - EXACTLY?


Woking ‒ as in Surrey?


And, does she have a name?

That’s the thing of it Indy. On the site she’s ClaudiaJuliana ‒ right?

So, probably not English.

Brazilian - probably. Her real name is actually ‒ Ester.

Right. So... what does she sound like, this Ester?

Brazilian - probably. And do you know what’s the first thing she says to me?

Can’t begin to imagine.

“Dave” she says, “You know we’re going to lie to each other.” Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that just so perfect?

I.... guess so.

She’s just so ‒ well, she gets straight to it, no bullshit. Anyway, we start talking and joking and saying how wonderful it is to have found each other...

This Brazilian woman in Woking - this fund manager in Chelsea...

And she wants to know about my life, where I live and she’s not just out for a quick screw Indy. She wants a real relationship; a shoulder to rest her head on, someone who’ll look after her and -

Dave, please tell me this is going to get real soon.

I know, I know. Anyway, that’s when she starts telling me about herself ‒ and, I have to swear you to secrecy Indy ‒ some of this is really sensitive.

Who am I going to tell? Marion?

You know what she does for a living? She’s a shrink.

Of course. A Trick Cyclist, sitting at her laptop chatting to you... it’s perfect, really.

No seriously. We get into some really serious shit now. She’s a heavy duty Psych ‒ and I mean ‒ HEAVY. Like it’s a secret. OK? She’s in the Israeli Army.

She’s a shrink in the what...?

No seriously Indy. Told you it was heavy duty. She’s a shrink in the Israeli Army. But she can’t talk about it, and whatever happens between us ‒ she made me swear this ‒ we just cannot ever discuss what she does ‒ in the army.


It’s classified, obviously. I just can’t go there and she will not discuss any part of it. There has to be a clear understanding about that ‒ she cannot discuss it. Actually, thinking about it now that was a very solemn moment, really.

Dave... let me get this straight. She told you she was in the Israeli Army, right?

That’s what I said.

And then said she couldn’t talk about it?


So she told you about something which she says she can’t talk about. Is that about it?

I suppose...

And that didn’t strike you as a contradiction?

No, she was deadly serious. She wouldn’t have bull-shitted about something like that.

No of course not. I see that now. Go on.

So anyway, she’s desperate to find the right guy. Someone who won’t mind if she watches TV all day, who won’t get on her case about smoking, or likes stolling through markets with her...

You mean when she’s not being a shrink for the Israelis.

And she’s ready to relocate. How about that?

All of this is somewhat academic Dave. Marion?

Well, see as the hours crept by we began find a really deep connection...

With Woking?

Actually, she isn’t really in Woking. Right? Actually, she's really in Manaus for the next six weeks.

Did you say Manaus? As in remote Brazilian city with famous Opera House 900 miles up the Amazon?

That’s it.

So you’re chatting to this Claudia/Ester in Manaus ‒ and you don’t think that’s weird.

Actually, I think her name might also be Annika. Dave it’s the opposite of weird. It’s very VERY REAL. And she’s crazy about me. And I’m crazy about her. And to prove it she start’s emailing me all these pictures of herself. Bing, bing, bing, they come down line.


So I send her some of mine...

Don’t tell me you sent her a picture of Fred?

Of course....

(Ed: ‘Fred’ is the nickname Dave has for his cock. In recognition, I believe, of the name Felicity Huffman gave her prosthetic penis in TRANSAMERICA. But I digress...)

Of course I sent her Fred. It says on her profile there are extra points for naked pictures... Anyway, I’m getting loads of pictures of her; pictures of her laughing, at the beach, partying, gazing into her boyfriend’s eyes, with her arm around her boyfriend...

Whoa Dave? Who does she have her arm round?

Her boyfriend. That’s what so perfect about this, her boyfriend knows all about it.

Right ‒ so she and her boyfriend are in Manaus and...

No, no, no ‒ the boyfriend’s in Woking.

Right, Woking. OK. I just didn’t think you were into that three-way scene Dave.

It’s not like that. She’s out there looking ‒ but just for herself.

Only her boyfriend knows and is cool about it...

Absolutely. In fact, he wrote her profile.

The boyfriend wrote... Look, since we’re all getting on so well, does the boyfriend have a name?

Sure. Andy.

Andy wrote the profile, so that his girlfriend could get laid? So Dave, what do you think is going on there?

Well, see that’s where we really begin to share some pretty intimate shit Indy.


I asked Ester ‒ why is Andy so cool about this? And she says “Well, Andy doesn’t have a dick.”

Indy? Indy, are you there? You’ve gone all quiet.

No I’m here. I’m just... um, doesn't matter. So Dave, why doesn’t Andy have a dick?

She can’t tell me. That’s one of those, you know secret...

Israeli Army things....?

No, not at all. She’s not currently on active duty; she’s on stand-by apparently. No it’s the other thing.

The other thing?

The Psych thing. Which she also can’t talk about.

What kind of Psychiatry does she practise Dave?

The sexually dysfunctional.

You mean deviants, criminals... that kind of thing?

Not all her clients are criminals.

You mean like Andy?

Well, I suppose.


For fuck’s sake Indy, no need to shout. Anyway, we’re talking again tonight. I’ll call in the morning and let you know what happens..

Can’t wait.

woofff 41F

4/15/2006 3:18 am

Dear Indigo

I am going to have a reaction to this post soon as I quit blinking like an idiot. I mean, (stutters) ...... way wierd.......wayyyy wierd man...... I mean, the ........ i mean you know.......the whole thing is so... wierd.

Right. Lol. Shall be back to offer constructive feedback.


woofff 41F

4/15/2006 12:52 pm

Dear Indigo,
Am back! Loved your language. Its a riot!!!! Can hardly wait to know what happens next.


rm_HairyMary3 54F
9 posts
10/19/2006 2:06 am

Hmm... has your friend received his phone bill yet?


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