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Lost In Humor
Lost In Humor
4 BELL FIRE!
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the
fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and
yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
When I get out of here....
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased
with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do
when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around.
He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.
He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around.
He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.
He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts.
He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts,
I'm never getting out of here!"
Money For Panties
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by,
he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this Money and buy
yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the Money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the Money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the Money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and
puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices
the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this Money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
The Lords Prayer
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the
Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will
donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope
again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million,
this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad
news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the
Wonder Bread account!
Using the Bathroom at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If here are others
in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea
or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air
time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can
be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that
are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one
of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used
to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied
by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.