Life and Lonliness  

rm_Faceless73 43M
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9/12/2005 7:43 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Life and Lonliness

Bear with me this is a long one.

I just watched The Life Of David Gale. I picked it up from the 5.50 dump bin at WallyWorld. I got it mostly for the fact that it had Kevin Spacey in it (who I enjoyed long before anyone really knew who he was). He has an interesting speech at the beginning about fantasy, and how we must have fantasies that are beyond our reach, otherwise once they are obtained they cease to hold the previous wonder (yeah, tell that to me after my next couple FFM threesomes, they are still as good as the first). Anyway, I began to analyze life, as I am prone to do. I always used to joke, that the idea of Stephen King's The Stand appealed to me, not the disease or the good vs evil, just the 90% of the human population dropping off the face of the earth (as an aside though, I figured my luck would be the 10 percent left would be the most abysmally stupid, trust me I know how my luck is). But I think I realize why that unattainable fantasy appealed to me all these many years. It isn't because it is a true desire, or an obtainable one, or even a probable one. The reason it appealed to me was it was an excuse. That way it would not be my fault that I am 32 and alone. It wouldn't be my decisions or my choices or my actions that would cause such a dilemma (as I choose to look at it tonight). See people have more problem attesting to their own responsibilities than ever before. While I have preached time and again that it must be done for the betterment of everyone, it takes a simple movie to make me realize I am just as guilty as anyone else. I wanted so much to be accepted when I was a dorky nerd in high school. After awhile though (around 20) I grew into my own skin and became something quite a bit more. I learned the things that women wanted, I learned the secrets of their bodies and souls. But alas the acceptance was a fantasy, something that I wouldn't let myself attain for then what would my fantasy be then. So I kind of hermitized myself, saying that I don't need other people, that I am happier alone. even from friends to be honest. Well now, I am cursed to my own actions it seems. For my friends are few, I speak to them more than they speak to me, and many times I sit alone. So what one must ask themselves is this. Is it worth attaining your fantasies if in the end you only have two choices. One is to attain them and have them disappear and be disappointed that that may have been the climax of that part of your life? Or, TO deny them so furitivly that you in turn become the antithesis of that fantasy and are constantly questioning if life is truly fulfilled or if the climax will ever come. I think it is time I cast away the shyness that has prevailed my personality my whole life and try to ensure a life greater than I once thought attainable. It will not be easy, for in doing so I will in essence change who I am. I can't even say I know where to begin, or I it is possible. But what good is a dream if you can't try to attain it. I will let you know how I fair.

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