nO BoYz AlL0WeD  

rm_EveLWoman 55F
405 posts
2/20/2006 4:44 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

nO BoYz AlL0WeD

For Women Only

There’s an old movie called The Seven Year Itch. It’s about a married man who loses interest in his wife and falls for Marilyn Monroe. I saw it when I was a child and it stayed in my mind. Why? Because for my whole life, I’ve seen that movie played over and over and over. Not on TV, but in real life.

Is it my imagination or are there a lot of men out there who just don’t have the staying power when it comes to long-term relationships? Maybe they don’t actually physically leave the wife, but it sure seems like they partially do - emotionally or otherwise.

All relationships change and I don’t think guys always get that.

But lately I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s not men in general. Maybe it’s just the ones I pick. Maybe I have a hurt part, a jaded streak that I don’t like to admit to myself. But I have recently realized something:

I don’t want to go back into a lon-term relationship because I don’t believe that the person I go there with is going to stay.

That’s the honest, unvarnished truth. I am debating whether or not to post this on my own blog or whether to submit it to EveLWoman.

At this moment I am thinking of a few really good guys on this blog who do NOT fit this category. I apologize to you for this post but frankly, this is neither about you nor for you. Right now I’m only really interested in hearing how other women think about this.

I guess that means it’s an Eve post. Men, please sit this one out.

Ladies, is it me? Have I just had really made off-the-mark choices?

Mahalo, in advance, for any dialog that we get going about this.



crazygurl2xx 56F

2/20/2006 5:13 pm

I don’t want to go back into a lon-term relationship because I don’t believe that the person I go there with is going to stay.

OK, so they don't. Or you could find out if you tried that you are the one who doesn't stay. It could happen. It's not just men. We all make decisions based on the Best Available Information ...doesn't mean it was all of the information we needed. Just that it was The Best Available.

Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

FeistySyn 51F

2/20/2006 5:44 pm

I am probably not the best female to comment on this one, since I am generally single and am usually the dump-er and not the dump-ee... but maybe a comment from a female that has been told she thinks more like a male will be helpful?

I think good, old fashioned fear is a huge factor. I am extremely picky now and it's very difficult for me to "commit" to someone and date excusively. I have had two big failures, two divorces. One does not really pain me, but the other one does for so many reasons I cannot even go into it right now, it would take too long. The first marriage lasted maybe 7 months, the second lasted 7 long and very miserable years.

No one likes to fail. In that respect, I am very much a "male thinker" apparently. For me, that is a very big issue - I can't stand failure and will do just about anything before admitting defeat. After my first divorce, I did not remarry for over nine years. My second divorce was over 3 years ago and I am finally letting go enough to dive into something serious, though marriage is the last thing on my mind right now (call me crazy, but hey I think live-in sex would be divine!).

I used to always think that men were just holding out for something better, that they were afraid to "settle" and that was why they ended up cheating so much. Now I have learned, women cheat much more than I ever had an inkling of and I think the "trading in" for something "better" happens on both sides, for fear that this one will not last the long haul once the intial infatuation period of romance wears off.

Just my crazy thoughts... quick and off the cuff, looking forward to reading everyone else's.

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

pinkplaytoyz 49F

2/20/2006 5:56 pm

I don't know that it's just the guys you pick; I don't have the "faith" in men that I used to have either, for pretty much the same reason. But I think it's progressed to the point where both sexes are guilty of it...and our society isn't as harsh as it used to be towards straying partners. It seems like a lot of the population is all too ready to shuck a relationship out the door rather than work at it. I think a lot of us have become jaded to an extent. But somehow I've always managed to maintain a glimmer of hope that it doesn't have to end up that way "the next time".

Sorceror07 54M

2/20/2006 6:22 pm

i'll share my personal experience on this one....

up until i married my first wife, i had girlfriends here and there... a few months here, a few months there... i fantasized about the "meet the hot chick in the bar and take her home for the grand one night stand" but that never happened.... i'm a long term kind of guy, i function best in that scenario.


in my first marriage things became as you describe... after 7 or so years things got real drab for me... i was working 12-14 hour days, she spent 20% more than i earned every year, her work was spotty at best and she usually couldn't hold a job long and was content to sit around the house, getting stoned, going shopping and gaining weight. she also suffered from depression. i began to find her physically unattractive anymore and ceased having sex with her...i never stepped out on her but after 10 years of the situation getting worse and worse, i determined that even though she bought and read every "self-help" ever written she was never going to help herself... so i divorced her because i was unhappy living in that situation and i knew it wasn't going to change... ever.

my second marriage ended after 8 years... sex had nothing to do with it ending, in fact the sex was stellar and mind blowing right up to the end... i left her for other reasons.

fact is... there's no telling why or how... it is what it is

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
2/20/2006 7:03 pm

Sometimes I think that the younger you are when entering a relationship the more apt that relationship is to fail. Not necissarily because of one person or the other but by the simple fact that as people grow older or up, or however you want to look at it, they change. And a lot of times in very different directions. You can work and work and work at it until youa re blue in the face, but eventually you need to come to the realizationt hat it's never going to change into what you want so it's better to look someplace else. It's all about choices. Make the choise that suits you now and that you feel witll grow in the same direction as you over the future years and things may have a better chance of working out.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

FunandFrisky79 41M/36F

2/20/2006 7:41 pm

I understand how you feel, 1hot! I've been screwed over countless times (as you know) and I swore I was done dating. I went out with my friends and decided I was only going to answer to ME. I was having to worry about anyone else. I just wanted to go out and have fun. Well, I ended up falling in love with one of my best friends in the process. And, as you know, we've been together ever since and got engaged last year. So, it just goes to show that true love will find you when you are least expecting it. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I firmly believe it.

(I know you already know all of this, but I felt compelled to put it here for you once again.)

Don't fret, wahine! Just have fun and be YOU! Don't worry about men! I know this probably wasn't the advice you were looking for, but it's my two cents.
Best wishes, my friend!


mangomamiCT 41F

2/20/2006 9:04 pm

I have to say something here and you all may get mad , but here goes ! In my experience I have an older brother and many male friends , there are a million reasons people stray . Men and women .
But in conversations with men I realized a long time ago there are a few factors involved with men cheating .
1) Ego - if you keep turning him down for sex , he feels rejected . Men associate sex with love and acceptance just like we do . My brother is currently trolling this site for friends with benefits . Does he love his wife , yes ! But he says she doesnt find him attractive anymore cuz she falls asleep early . I told him , she works , takes care of the kids and you , honey she is just tired , really ! Do some dishes once in awhile !

2) State in plain language ! - you need to state plainly , if you cheat I will leave ! Let them know you are not another turn the other way chick ! But if you dont mean it , dont say it ! Believe me you need to state it so they know what they stand to lose .

3) Men are programmed - really sometimes they just want something new ! If you want a relationship to last you need to have a connection . That needs to be maintained . In every relationship you are going to have up times and down times . If you have a deeper connection he's going to be less likely to cheat . This does not mean bend over backwards . No this means be a seperate person in your own right and have something to bring to the table . But every now and then do something nice just cuz you want to .

4) Some people Men and Women cannot seem to stay faithful no matter what ! This is just how it is . It isn't you It's them . Move on and be a better you !

LadytoPleaseYou 64F
5447 posts
2/20/2006 9:29 pm

I know in my case it is that I chose the same type men over and over. I have a difficult time with relationships because of childhood abuse. You think that shit don't affect you for the rest of your life then you are wrong. I learned as a child to associate guilt and pain with love. I inevitably chose men who exhibit these behaviours and voila' I am in love. I know this about myself, after learning the hard way, so I try to be careful about men. Even so, I doubt that I will ever have another marriage or even a long lasting relationship again. I feel safer that way.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
2/20/2006 10:05 pm

When I wrote this post, I wasn't really saying that I believe all men are like that or that only men are. I guess that it was more like a little epiphany - in discovering that, deep down, that's what I believe, whether I want to or not. Kinda like, "damn, that's really what I feel. That sucks, lol"

And I just wondered if anyone felt that way as well. Thanks for your comments. They are well thought out and each one advances the idea further. That's what I like best about this site.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

tillerbabe 55F

2/21/2006 2:08 am

Me thinks it is indeed about choices, (Oh how I have been in your shoes so many times!) I even succumbed to counseling to enhance my choices. It helped. But, it is also about understanding who men are and how differenet they are from us. most a truely good people, struggling as we are. Their drives are different, their needs are different. We need to accept that. Finding the "everlasting" love I think is based in friendship and acceptance and tolerance, anything less than that will surely fail. It will happen for you my dear....look within. {=}

kyplowboy22 61M

2/21/2006 1:26 pm

**Sittin' here quiet, just like Wahine asked....but I am taking notes tho. Never have learned too much, always room for improvement.**


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
2/21/2006 4:13 pm

*sigh* no answers...just the same question

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
2/21/2006 6:05 pm

Though there are plenty of reasons for me not to trust...I refuse to give either my abuser or my ex-husband the final victory. I'm holding out for the long-term and trusting that it'll happen. I agree with Daph...age makes a lot of difference. I refuse to lose my belief and or trust. They are MINE. Great post...1 hot. Really great post.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

mm0206 68F
7767 posts
2/21/2006 9:31 pm

I must be really naive..
or I have a Guardian Angel ....
Sure there have been moments I would like to delete and run through in a better way, but mostly I have always believed that trust like respect is something that is earned and you have to develope a friendship to establish that trust.
Best Friends always make better Lovers.
Choose your close friends carefully and it may not be them.. but one in their circle of acquaintances that is there waiting ....looking for you.
Trust is a bigger word than most will give it credit for.

This is a really great question and some wonderful answers from all so far
To Love and Be Loved Is The Greatest Joy on Earth.
And whatever Gods or Goddesses ......Natural scheme of things......Mathematical Equations or whatever the Greater Power be..
the final word should be that we are all put here to love each other.
I know I am dorky...
tender hugs ....m.

womanoirish 53F

2/21/2006 11:28 pm

Well, chickie, there are lots of good answers on here and lots of good answers out in the world.

My two cents: I think it's what you believe. If your perception (belief) is that no one will go the long haul with you, then it won't happen.

If you believe in someone, i.e. trust, then it will happen, with a lot of work.

I know that sounds horribly simplistic but it's not. Trust, as someone else pointed out, is earned. And trust is hard to give once it's been broken. I can attest to that, as I'm in your shoes, too - disbelief in long term relationships. (Although I do like Fiesty's idea of "live-in sex" - but with separate bathrooms!)

Relationships take a lot of communication and in my personal opinion, I think too much emphasis is given on male/female differences rather than similaries. In fact, we are far more similar than we are different.

So, thems my two cents, bit tarnished and probably not worth much!


2/22/2006 2:17 pm

That realization doesn't suck at all. It actually puts you in charge and simplifies your life. You can only decide your next footstep not someone else's and knowing that you get to make the Choice if the person is worth the effort and risk. That is a gift on all counts.

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

lust4u941 46F
33 posts
2/23/2006 6:10 am

Great questions, I ask myself the same questions over and over again. Maybe it is me and the men I choose? Maybe it's just men in general? I've spent some time recently speaking to a dear male friend about my 'relationships' and it seems that it's the men I pick according to him. If so, how do I stop picking those and find the men that are willing and ready for some kind of committment?

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
2/23/2006 7:20 pm

crazygurl2xx - It was more of a revelation of how I felt in a hidden level than an intentional stance. pinkplaytoyz and mangomamiCT - you make some good points. This, just as a point of clarification, was about leaving (literally or just emotionally) but was not about cheating. I don't have a lot of experience with that, but it does give me an idea for another Eve post someday!

FeistySyn - live in sex, what a concept. Actually what I'd like is to live next door, or down the street, lol. But yeah, the failure factor truly sucks, for both people.

The idea of choosing the same person over and over, as referenced by LadytoPleaseYou , [blog lust4u941]

Sorceror07 - wasn't really looking for a man's perspective, sorry. You may want to observe kyplowboy22 for future reference, lol.

I do agree with you, [blog DaphneR]on the age issue and view the conversations we've had about this as confirmation of it. I think that humboldthonni and I have being circling fairly close to a the same conclusions over the past few weeks.

I found mm0206 's comments regarding friendship interesting, as I've been meandering in that same direction on [blog 1hotwahine] this week. Same conclusions, too, lol.

I've discussed these issues with [blog SJ365] , impish_pixie , FunandFrisky79 and [blog MzHunyHole] so I know it resonates with them as well. And SJ and I tend to call each other on our bullshit, lol, so it's been insightful, to say the least.

tillerbabe and others speak of the differences between men and women and of course that's a part of it. She also takes about choices, which fits in with womanoirish 's comments regarding our beliefs creating our reality. Yep, absolutely. Which is why it's so CRITICALLY important for all of us to uncover our hidden beliefs, such as this one for myself, and shine a light on them.

Again, this post was intended to be along the lines of "Holy shit, guess what I just realized!"

Which brings me to the the comment that, for me, summarizes it pretty well. MOfunNOWWOW says that this realization doesn't suck at all and is actually a gift of self knowledge that puts me more 'in charge.' Isn't that cool? I like that a lot.


This has been a great discussion! I'll keep checking back to see if we are gonna keep it going.

Also, it's taking me fo evah to write this thing, so I apologize, in advance, for typos or formatting oopses. ')

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
2/23/2006 7:25 pm

Ok, to clean up the stuff I messed up from the above comment:

Making the same choices over and over - YES, this is something I've been dealing with for a LONG TIME. When we keep doing this, I believe it means that there is still a lesson that we haven't learned, or a hurt that we haven't healed or an old tape we haven't stopped playing. Very good point and am sorry that I messed it up, up there ^

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
3/2/2006 6:29 pm

<font color ="brown"><FONT SIZE=5>OINK!</FONT>

<p><big><DIV ALIGN=CENTER><font color ="brown">^</font><font color ="blue">. .</font><font color ="brown">^</font>
<font color ="brown">(</font> <font color ="orange">@</font> <font color ="brown"> )</font>
<font color ="brown">pig</font>cancook</DIV></big></p>

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