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The Abyss- Aftermath
The Abyss- Aftermath
For some reason, as I came back to myself I found a new boldness to do things, to say things. Things which have lingered in my heart and mind for years.
I have always hated myself for not doing the right things. Example when I see someone in need in the street, I would avoid. When I saw something wrong, instead of telling that someone I would ignore it. It was a torture to my soul because you know you shouldn't avoid certain things, you should not ignore certain things. They are wrong and they need to be corrected or need to be done. Someone has to do the right thing. And that someone present ignored or avoided.
I consider myself an introvert, shy and a painfully timid person. I hate these qualities. They are not good qualities. I was dysfunctional as a person and it hindered my developement ... as a person.
Lately in one of my night class, I became aware that one's behavior comes about as a result of our thinking. Our thinking and perception of things comes about as a result of upbringing and past experiences. I became what I am as a result of what I have gone through in the past. This is a powerful insight into myself. Nowadays I try to analyse why I behave in certain dysfunctional ways and sought to correct myself by re-aligning my values and perception.
For example I realised that I have this great anxiety whenever my boss calls me to his office.
This seems to be a universal reaction among my colleagues. But for me it is an extremely stressful time. I always feel that I have done something wrong. It does me no good that when he shares or speaks, the portion which relates to me is always seen in a critical light. I always come out of his office sweating. This is something I have to work harder towards resolving. I have an unhealthy fear of authority. What had happened in my past to make me this way?
Anyway coming back to the aftermath topic, I found myself doing more things that before the abyss I would not have done instanteously or ever. I had more drive, more bravado, more decisiveness, more sharpness in the way I see things.
A friend who was a doctor by training diagnosed me as Bi-Polar Depression ( BPD ). He was just a normal doctor but through his reading diagnosed me as BPD.
To him I had swung to the other extreme after my depression. I was damn annoyed with him to say the least especially as it was 5 months down the line. Who does he think he is to be an authority on Bi-Polar Depression? Even though I have to agree with the signs and symptons he showed from a printout he gave me, I felt it was not true. Months later I learnt that BPD is a very difficult condition to diagnose accurately.
Now a year and a half on, I have left this friend partly because I do not like his attitude. He was too confident in his assertion and he was wrong.
Why did I feel I was not in BPD state? I was in control. I checked with a close friend who had interacted with me for years. He said that I was still me except that I was more outspoken since the illness.
I did nothing crazy like bungy jump and nothing dangerous for thrills. I felt this was the crux of the issue. I also did not feel an increase in my sex drive -which was supposed to be part of BPD. More importantly I knew what I was doing and all these things were on my heart all these years.
So time passed and last week I met a specialist who talked about BPD. He did not know my history. I asked him certain pertinent questions and I felt this confirmed what I believe.
I still am disappointed with my doctor friend. He was not a specialist and even when the psychiatrist cleared me, he still insisted he was right. He is too self-confident. I feel sorry for him and all those he counsels. One who is unsure can be driven to think that which is not right and that which is not true.
In spite of the new boldness based on convictions, I still struggle with my weaknesses. I am still the same and yet somehow different. Now I dare to go abroad by myself, go for Sports Events without having to depend on others. To go to places where I have always wanted but never dared to go alone before.
`To boldly go where no man has gone before' - these awesome words I love from Star Trek.
I depend less on others now in a healthy manner. I can eat alone confidently and more assured. And my weaknesses temper my new found boldness. This is a good thing.
So I venture forth not knowing what the future holds. Only that I have a short time to live my life to the fullest.