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My Heart Will Follow my Head
My Heart Will Follow my Head
Clarification as I am in this website where `head' means something else.
Head as in - where the brain is, where we got a thing called `mind', where we can think, where we can reason, are supposedly logical. But in many a people's lives our actions may not follow the head(brain) but the heart. The heart refuse to let go.
So here I made my stand with this post.
I WILL FOLLOW MY HEAD! I WILL! I WILL!
I will not see my First from today on and next month.
I will not. No matter how difficult I feel ( I confess that I will definitely feel desperate).
I will also feel lonely after the regular intimate moments but ...
I will not see her.
I WILL NOT SEE HER from now till ed July 06.
I must clear my head, examine my head - logic and clean out my heart (feelings).
I will write down in black and white in resposne to - Where will this lead to if I carry on ?
Especially objective when my ache (heartache) is past.
I will returned once again to my past
A lonely life with no one to look forward to each weekend.
Just window shopping here and there,
Run and swim, play PC games. read books.
I MUST. I WILL ! I WILL!
As far as things are now, the future is bleak, Period.
For one, I cannot keep depleting my resources
The other is the meaningful relationship I had hoped for is just not present.
It is a relationship that is more materialistic and pleasure than real giving
I mean real giving ... not to say she didn't give to me but this is not the way.
O dear, I have started to evaluate already.
Plus the issue of trust is just not there.
Today she responded with fear and anxiety when I asked to see her family.
Yes. She is afraid. Her family don't really know what she is doing. Of course thay dun. Who in a family context accepts a daughter to do such things to earn money?
Another area is that she finds it difficult to open up to me her personal life. Partly language issue but I will take up my Chinese LAnguage course soon. ( Didn't I say that last week? )
She wants no one to come into her family's life. And she does not want me to know where she lives. Of course I am not just somebody. It's been one year. But I know such things cannot happen just because I say this.
If we cannot trust, then somewhere, somehow we have to to find a way to trust - trust me completely, absolutely. I know when to draw back, when to keep silent, I can. I have shown that I am trustworthy.
The many times I promised things I have done. Even though at times I wish I could have been slower, more deliberate before speaking. That is why my resources are depleting. But it is not the main thing. Where is this leading to ?
I WILL NOT SEE HER till end of July 06.
Maybe along the way, both side will part. It was an educational experience for me and her thrill of getting more money is gone. I cannot sponsor her the house. Not without seeing her family. I want to know. This is a very reasonable request. But being woman, I think her heart over-rides her logical mind. She is very concern I will spill the beans to her family.
No J. I will not. I accept you. I dun like what you do. But I just accept you. If only your eyes can see the person I am. I can be trusted.
And I will help where it is needful. No more wants but needs.
No more Gucci bags, LV bags and expensive handphones.
You can never be my wife for sure. You are too young (immature ). You were not a plaything. I was always sincere and serious in our times together even in fun.
Forlorn yet clear minded now.
I feel sad already but it must be done.
By being absent for a time will quell her expectations of and from me. No I never promised her anything more.
IT MUST BE DONE OR I AM SUNK!