The gift of youth...  

rm_Elysia2005 43F
512 posts
6/1/2005 7:26 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The gift of youth...


Well... ONE of them anyway... Having a good serious talk about a good serious subject with a good playful friend tonight. At one point he asked me, "Who in this situation is getting hurt the most?" (Let me be clear: "this situation" has nothing to do with him, and only peripherally to do with A F F at all.) I laughed and pointed to myself, and promptly followed it with a dismissive, "But I don't give a fuck." Which is the truth. I'm used to the hurt, used to the anger, disappointment, resentment that's inevitable, and quite frankly, I'd rather it be me suffering through it, than the kids.

But on the way home, I was thinking about it more. Expanding it in my mind, if you will. And I realized that part of the reason it's so much harder on me, is that it frustrates me, even drives me crazy, to NOT understand something. Or to have some understanding of it, but to not be able to fix it. My kids don't have that, because they ARE kids. Because they have already come to terms with the idea that there are things they don't understand, things they can't possibly understand until they are older. And they haven't yet had to face the fact that there are some things they will never understand, no matter how much older they get. They still operate under the illusion (delusion?) that someday they will grow up and everything will make sense. To them, things are still logical. "Man shall have his mare again, and all will be well."

Several years back, when I was a mother of only two, I asked my own mother at what age I would finally feel like a grown-up. I had a degree by then, one failed marriage under my belt, two kids, a lot of life lived and lessons learned, yet I still felt lost, directionless, lacking wisdom... childlike... Her answer? "I don't know, but when it happens to me, I'll tell you."

Ignorance is bliss.

no_strings_grrl 44F

6/1/2005 9:42 pm

I find that the older I get the less I really know. I can hardly believe, looking back, how arrogant I used to be and how simple and black and white life seemed to be.

The world is nothing like I thought it was and accepting that is something I struggle with every day now. Don't we all operate under an illusion (delusion)? If we didn't create and recreate reality I don't know if we could deal with life. Its when you FINALLY REALIZE that its an illusion... that's what leaves you standing at your cross roads, alone, knowing in your heart that all roads lead to absolutley nowhere.

Gotta try to focus on the journey and not the destination. But that's hard to do sometimes when the road is rocky as hell.

I'm not sure what the fuck I've just said here, but I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry you hurt.


HughJarse2000 47M

6/2/2005 8:20 am

I'm with "no-strings" on this one.
Black and white went with Santa Claus.
Now there is no such thing as "reality" only "perception" and this can be very daunting for me. If nothing is real then what is the !@#%6ing point ?
Once you get in under your belt that there is no point or purpose to any of it, Just a bunch of DNA trying to replicate, It get's a whole lot easier and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride

I'm there 6 days a week and happy with it . Meaningless ! Just Life

But about once a week . . . .
Oh look another reindeer !


Whitewashd 36M

6/2/2005 4:45 pm

i figured that. i was just joking


JohnerH 35M

6/2/2005 10:27 pm

Hmmm, Why does this remind me of something ?

And yeah, I agree ignorance is bliss...


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