Letting you down Gently:  

rm_Ellenback 58F
903 posts
4/3/2006 6:40 am

Last Read:
6/11/2006 8:26 am

Letting you down Gently:

Does anyone have any advice on how to gently remove someone from one's life? My experiences have been mostly wonderful so far, and there are several people that I'm 'friends' with, but I am just not sexually attracted to them, even though we have already delved into that area, and I know that I can't foresee having that kind of long term relationship with them. How many times do you try to put your own personal preferences aside before you know that it's not going to work?

I'm really trying to confront my own judgemental and sometimes shallow viewpoints, as they don't make me a better human being, as much as I am challenging other people's judgements of me, but I know what I like to cuddle up to, and looks ARE important, no matter how much I try to overcome that factor...

And NO, this is SOO NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

(((squishyboobyhugs)))

Elle


GuyWhoListens2u 56M
325 posts
4/3/2006 1:45 pm

Elle,

For the most part, I feel it is best to give no reason (just say no). Most people, if you do give them a reason, they react in one of three ways:

1) They get upset and say something hurtful (true or not) to “get you back”
This is like, “You can’t fire me, I quit.” Later on, many come back later and say that they, “…were only joking.” That line is almost always a lie.

2) They tell you that the reason is not good enough, or they try in a direct or indirect way to make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Don’t give in to this. Funny that they seem to think they know more about what you want than you do. You would think if they really cared that they would offer to change instead of asking you to do the work.

It is okay to drop the bar a few inches when you want to, but not when they want you to.
A guy who loves you will put your happiness above his.

3) They appear to change just enough to get around your reason.
This one is especially dangerous since the presumption (assuming they are capable of that much change) is that they will remain that way forever, but 99% of the time they will return to what they were or worse.

In effect you have told them how to lie to you. With that said, people can change, but it is very rare. Time is the best way to see through that disguise.

Some people though will refuse to hear the word “no” and you just have to stop talking to them.

Now, with this method there is an uncomfortable pause after you say no because everyone in the country expects you to give them an excuse. But in reality you don’t owe anyone a reason for something you decide. Your life is yours. You don’t need their approval on what you do or don’t do. If they persist ask them what they had to eat that day or what clothes they have on. Then ask why they didn’t call and okay it with you.

Is the easy way? Well, it is quick and it takes a lot of pressure off of you trying to decide what to say.


GuyWhoListens2u 56M
325 posts
4/4/2006 12:45 pm

Elle,

Sorry, I got to rambling and I skipped answering your question. You said "gently".

I am not sure if there is a way to do that. "No" is a hard word for anyone to hear no matter how softly it is spoken.


rm_Ellenback 58F
966 posts
4/4/2006 5:53 pm

Hey, Guy, ummm..LOUD YES...lol

But you're right, I'm having so much trouble with it because I hate upsetting people, and I'm still working on that issue from my long term relationship and it's one of the reasons I left eventually.

And, I wasn't specific enough in my posting - this is about particular people that appeal to me intellectually, just not physically - they seem to offer everything I would want, BUT that...! I do have some friends that appeal to me physically in every way, but have some other drawback to them that would preclude being involved with them.

Still looking for that mild combination of Moulinex Man...

And, where the heck have you been? Told you I'd help with your schoolwork....

(((squishyboobyhugs)))

Elle


GuyWhoListens2u 56M
325 posts
4/4/2006 11:30 pm

Elle,

I was at both my classes, right where I was supposed to be. I looked around... no Elle.

These guys.. if they are at your level then they may be able to hear this. Just that they aren't your type. You don't need to go into specifics, just that they don't fit what you need.

Everyone isn't supposed to be attracted to everone. That is just the way things work. There is nothing that can be done about it aside from them (and you) continuing the search for someone who fits.


ArtDent99 45M

4/5/2006 7:45 pm

Elle baby, I agree with Guy. A person either has to accept the fact that you are not attracted to them 'in that way' or they aren't the kind of people you deserve to have.

The tough part comes in taking the 'risk' in letting them know. Sometimes you will (unfortunatly) find out just what some are like. (Personally, if it was/is me, I feel lucky just to have you as a friend)


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