He invades my thoughts again  

rm_Dysgyzed 45F
3068 posts
12/26/2005 5:18 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

He invades my thoughts again

He invades my thoughts again...disrupts my dreams... breaks my heart again...

I don't know...is it that I have to have some torment..., is it just “time”---it’s been 8 months...is it that no one has made my heart skip a beat and my eyes glimmer immediately as he did... no one that I've felt from 200 miles away...heard... seen. Remembered.

No one that I've been able to say about... "when I'm coming back this way, he'll be standing right here", and he was. Waiting for me, even if he didn't know it, even as he denied that it was even a possiblity.

I tell myself to make him go away. MAKE that "fuck you" attitude take genuine affect... I'm good at that; I mean that coldly and cleanly with most people, but it does not seem to work with him.

I'm so tired of thinking of him... so tired of fighting thinking of him.

I know...I'M THE ONE who breaks my own heart. He bears no responsibility. I loved him despite his protestations; he loved me despite his own intentions. (Does he still?)

I put my heart out there, but Oh, there are some things over which we SHOULD have no control. To seal the heart that much is to die. And I know that too, too well. It’s a lesson that I try to remember now.

I open the door, but there are toads who will not turn to princes despite my Magick. And besides, who would have a prince, when there are still KINGS…aren’t there?

Make him go away. Obsession is not in my line, begging most certainly is not.

OR make me accept that he didn't want my affections and go on for years instead of months without the longing for him.

Let it rest…evaporate…dissipate.

Addendum 12/31/05
****Oh, and he was single. I realized that it sounded like I was writing about someone who is still married; they've all been released.
That may be one of the most damnable things of it all---B was without those ties.
ARRRGGGG... got to go.

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