Did I, or Didn  

rm_Dysgyzed 45F
3068 posts
1/1/2006 4:05 pm

Last Read:
10/19/2006 8:09 pm

Did I, or Didn


I'll warn you now... this is stream of consciousness writing. Enter at your own risk to find that I am moody, and 10,000 thoughts go zinging through my mind. (Or did you already suspect that?)

I had made the promise to myself that I wouldn't drink much last night.

Well, okay... I had promised myself that I wouldn't drink at all last night, but that was simply unrealistic. *laugh*

Still... I only had one drink. I wanted to be able to get out of there if I should want to leave (and I did), and I have to admit that the past couple of times I drank, I was a sick assed dog. No, that's okay... I'll hold off for a while.

And then, truly, I feared that I would get slobbknockered and call the flame that keeps invading my thoughts, and just say I KNOW YOU MISS ME, AND IF YOU DON'T, YOU DAMNED WELL SHOULD!!!

But nope... he said he thought it was best if we broke off commuication, and I had told him previously to this that's all he had to say if he really wanted me to go away, so no. I will not display my dumbassedness by calling him.

Again. There was that time about 4 months after he said this when I called him, but it was more of a reminder that I was there with him in spirit, regardless. (Is that like ghost stalking? hmmm. And is it illegal?) I was mortified that I had called him once I sobbered up... Mainly though, he doesn't want to care, so I won't float any information to him now.

Besides, I don't know what's going on in his life, so maybe he's been able to move on. I *do* care about him enough to not try and jeopardize his chance if there *is* someone out there of a better match than I. (I personally don't think that's going to happen, but I don't know everything about this situation... quite.)

So, no. I didn't make that call. I was even able to avoid, then, thinking about it too much. And thanks to listening to it now. *wink*

Oh, hell. Now I have to add this. If it's obsession with him, it's because no other single man (damned, that's awful), quite captivated my fascination, understood me deeply (course maybe that's why he wanted to go) and believed in me like a champion.

He's a king, without knowing it. So, if I can't get him off my mind, it's not because I have to latch on to one man and demand that he accept me. Hell, I'd been rejected before, so that's not it either.

The fact of point is that nobody quite does *it* for me like he did.

He HAS forced me into trying to find someone incredibly similar to him, and I'll go out and see what else this world may have to offer me (and I've committed to doing that with full heart), but he, combined with my deceased husband, have created a standard of what they say I deserve. Out of awsome respect, I can't break their expectations.

But goddamned. It's also like some awful fuckin' curse... once you've held the love of the best, it's disrespectful to them to accept anything less. And disrespectful to the Me that they saw.

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