How Not To Get Laid  

rm_DocSpiky 40M
22 posts
9/1/2005 6:51 am

Last Read:
4/8/2006 9:20 am

How Not To Get Laid

I've turned mysteriously introspective this morning. Thinking back to my single days, I've been trying to figure out why, exactly, I had so much trouble seducing women. And since I'm a lonely and pathetic man, I decided to post that list for your amusement.

Here it is, folks - sure-fire tips to help ensure that no woman will ever want to sleep with you:

1. Beg and whine - I had a lot of success with this method in my earliest attempts. Basically, all you have to do is say things like "C'mon, pleeese? I NEED it!" The object of your lust will invariably find better things to do. Forever.

2. Don't try to initiate any kind of conversation with a woman. After all, she can't have sex with you if you never meet. If a woman tries to talk to you, act nervous for a few seconds and then blindside tackle a random guy.

3. When cuddling with a woman, suddenly remember your Baptist upbringing. For god's sake, don't touch her in any way - your hand will catch on fire and you will burn in hell forever.

4. Pursue women way out of your league. They will appreciate your moxy and keep you around as a platonic friend until you finally choke on your own vomit thinking about her with her steady string of lovers.

5. Be a true gentleman. Make women feel safe around you because they really ARE safe. Never take advantage of a drunk woman, and remain polite and courteous at all times. Women love men like this - they make great friends.

6. Always honor the "Bros before Ho's" edict. Even when said Bros ARE Ho's and have absolutely no business telling you who you shouldn't be shtupping (see 4 and 5 above).

7. Chemically alter yourself to the point of unconsciousness at every single party/club/church social you manage to get invited to. Vodka and Mt. Dew (50/50 - AKA "the DewDriver" ) is particularly effective, especially combined with large amounts of pot.

8. Pay more attention to your ferret than the woman in your bed. Bonus points for not training the little bastard and thinking it's cute when he shits on the floor and/or tries to bite said woman in sensitive places.

9. When she says, "Will you still respect me in the morning?" laugh and say "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't respect you now!" As she's leaving, light another j and remark to your friends that she had really nice tits.

10. Decide that masturbation is really just as good, even better than actual sex with a woman. Indulge frequently and stop caring about getting laid because at least you're not dealing with all that goddamn drama.

Hmm.. I think maybe I'm beginning to see my problem. I should note at this point that every item in this list specifically referrs to at least one incident in my life, so believe me when I say that these techniques are effective.

nietchze 43M

9/2/2005 1:55 am

YESSS!!! You my friend, have the makings of a great cynic and social misfit. I wish to officially welcome you to A FF, nad like says.." You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.."

rm_DocSpiky 40M
18 posts
9/2/2005 6:13 am

I just re-read this today, and man do I crack myself up. Especially #9. Seriously, what kind of woman asks this? And what the fuck else could you say?

The funniest things in life are the shit you just can't make up.

rm_autumngirl61 55F
741 posts
9/7/2005 8:16 pm

Uummm, interesting, DocSpiky. I can see why nietchze said in his blog to read yours, especially this part. I have seen some guys are like that, but not to me....thanks God. More guys took advantage on girls than girls do w/ men. (just my opinion, you don't have to agree w/ me)

I like the part on number 5...that's true gentleman.

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