|Blogs > rm_DarknStar > Sticks & Stones|
runnin on empty
runnin on empty
Monday....Can I blame it on Monday?
Hell no! I cant have a Monday everyday of my freakin life.
You dont understand, or maybe some of ya do. I live my life everyday like Im suppose to. and Its the inter thoughts that I share here.
Yes I'm depressed, and I have been for years. I hide that from my family and friends. I dont want to let them see me weak. I have put up a good front all these years. My mom and dad call me LAZY and that I dont want to do anything. Thats there excuse and I live with it.....I cant and will NOT show them that there is something wrong with me!....Hey one time in counceling, my mom told the counceler....I was waiting on my mom and dad to die, So I could have my money, that they are leaving me......FUCK NO thats not me, but that has scarred me from that point and time. and I have never gotten over that.
BUT really Im dieing on the inside. Inside my body, heart and soul I cry every single day.
Im confused of this world and all the bullshit that goes with it. I live my life one day at a time. But never has moved into the future.
Whats a fucking DEBT card? I have never used one. I have to go and step into the future finally and its scares me. I have to grow up and go on with NO help. I dont really know if I can do this.
I have noone to walk with me, to show me the way and to what Im suppose to be doing. I dont want to ask my mom or dad, because I dont want them to see Im weak and cant do this on my own.
I say I have a husband...and I DO....BUT...Hes a backwards Hillbilly, he has No ideal whats going on in the world and he doesnt care. I have to carry his load too, in thinking and moving with the times of the future. He has NO ideal whats going on either. Im the stronger one of this marriage, I have to do all the thinking and keeping us afloat. Yes he does work and he hands me the money at the end of the week to pay the bills.
I really feel that if he didnt have me, he would live in someones tool shed down home. Be someones paid boy, to do all the dirty work around their place. (like a farm hand)........He has lived like this before, before I met him.
Also....my hubby doesnt read or write, this is why I get by with alot of shit that I do here. He is sittin right here beside me, and has NO ideal what Im typing or feeling at the moment!
This is why I feel Sooo alone. I cant share with him what Im missing. Because he wouldnt understand, and all I would get back from him is, "fuckit Im given up"
Given up this bullshit....I have ranted to all of ya and see that I have never made since of all this....Sorry......Its the inter ME.
I came to this website to find a friend a FB........But did I really want just a FB...hell no....Im NOT and WILL NEVER be a fuckem and leavem kinda of person.
Im soft hearted as hell. and I know this game and this website is not for me. I dont understand the concept of picking someone up just to feel good for a moment, then leave and never think about them again....I feel thats BULLSHIT!
Geezzz Do I make any since? Do I just ramble about bullshit, that doesnt matter?
IM DOWN and sorry.....this bloggin thing, Im sorry I dont have anything exciting to blog about and wish I did. I would love to write exoctic stories for ya...But if I dont feel it, I sure in the hell cant write about it!
My blogs boring....My life is boring!
Wish I had a PILL.....A PILL to fuckitol!
..Im OK...I think! or it just a good cover up........Fuck I will do what Im suppose to do today and be the good girl, that I am always.......Pick up my shit and GO the fuck on and carry this freakin load with me.
I can only give YOU, what I can give at this point and time.......ITS NOT MUCH!
8/14/2006 2:22 pm
Wow! You sound so much like me! I have been depressed since 1990, but I've learned to hide it pretty well. That was the year my grandmother committed suicide. My ex husband even sounds like yours. I always had to be the adult, and I'm 12 years younger than him. I've been unemployed for 3 months, I'm living between my parent's & sister's, looking for work in both places. I hate it. Only thing keeping me sane is strongelk2006. I just have to take life one day at a time, just like you do. I just try & make it through the bad days, telling myself I'll feel better tomorrow, but lately beginning to wonder if tomorrow will be any better. Hang in there sister! I try & tell myself there's a million other people out there that have it 10 times worse than me. At least I'm not handicapped, and have good health. Keep reading my blog, It usually is good for a daily laugh!|
8/14/2006 6:15 pm
Darkn.....this post actually made me tear up and cry. It has to be how my husband feels inside. And in so many ways, he has an easier life than you do.....but it doesn't matter.....he feels the same darkness inside. How do I help him? How can I help you? |
8/14/2006 6:27 pm
Star, check your AdultFriendFinder email inbox....Silverbreeze2 ( Pat)|