|Blogs > rm_DarknStar > Sticks & Stones|
depressed as fuck
depressed as fuck
Ever feel like someone just slammed a door in your face?.....Leaves ya standing there, wondering why....
Ever just sit and wonder WHY you are alive?.......you feel nothing
ever gasp for a breath?....your chest hurts to bad to try....
ever wonder why you sit there and blog your ass out?.....when really your just talking to yourself.
At 1 this morning, I came in here to blog. I had set on the pouch, looking at the stars and listen to natures noises. It really chilly outside tonight 63. It feels so great to sit and enjoy the cool night air and try like hell to clear my thoughts. and to find the words to type out.
I cant find the WORDS to say how I really feel. But maybe I just dont want to let that go here and now.
Theres bits and pieces of today, I would REALLY like to forever forget. But then theres always bits and pieces, that have scarred me deeply, Ill never be able to forget.
I have a vision burned into my head, I think its on repeat. Its all I see, think,and cant shake, at the moment.
I sit here empty....recalling my evening.
After my vision, my cellphone rang, it was home, I didnt answer it. But when out on the main road I call the number back. It was fallinStrgazer. I then broke into tears and a couple of blocks down I turned into a parking lot. To get my ass off the road, My state of mind, I shouldnt have been driving.
I talked to fallin for awhile, trying to get my head back to driving mode. IT didnt work. I hung up the phone with her and just set in this parking lot. Stuck I was, I just set there, I didnt know what to think, numb, empty. All I know I was sitting in a car, in a parking lot, and had to get home. I sit there and ask myself WHY?
I set there for the longest time. AS it started to fall dark in the sky, I knew I wanted to try and get on my way before it got pitch black.
I started playing with my cellphone again, calling peeps I trusted with my heart, my secrets to this god damn game we play in this website.
I was looking for a passinger, talk to me while I drive myself home. Someone to who I can talk openly to, for they know this game we play here.
I made 3 calls...I talked to 2 answering machine (I DONT TALK TO ANSWERING MACHINES)ever in my life, BUT tonight I did. I needed you guys and NO one was there. I even called a one far away, NO luck, vioce mail, I didnt talk to that one. What was he to do so far away, it was just the kind voice, I was looking for.
I made a 4th call and yes this one answered his phone. GREAT I have my passinger, now I just got to get myself to turn the car on and make it move, without killin myself. I wondered that all the way home.....WILL I MAKE IT?
It was bad on the way home, my phone caller kept talking to me, while sometimes I would space off and start to see my vision again. I would get quite and he would ask if I was OK. This would bring me back to think about what I was really suppose to be doin..DRIVING!
I think I stopped at all my stop signs. and I think I drove the speed limit out there. I was just driving, so I really dont remember.
45 minutes later I was turning into my drive way. He knew I was in a safe spot and we said our good nights.
As I hung up my cellphone. I just set there in the car. I couldnt move, nor did I want to. NO life going through my body. I was numb. My vision haunted me as I set there in my car in my driveway. It took everything I had to get my ass out of the car.
I made it to the porch, I set down and I stared into the darkness. Trying to make sense of what I was feeling and WHAT got me to this point.
NO words can I come up with what I feel....theres NOthing there!....NUMB...empty
BUT wait....theres that vision,
My body feels so thick, its hard to move my arms to type or to just hit on the keys to make a letter.
I hurt....and plan NOT to make sense of this whole damn blog post.
7/23/2006 1:53 am
Dark...I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I can only offer typed words on a page, along with my prayers..and I will pray that the thoughts of this horrible day will either leave you or make sense some how, and that it will be ok.|
I consider you a friend here, and I feel sad with you tonight.
7/23/2006 8:00 pm
I hope the dark cloud will blow away soon. Hang in there! |