|Blogs > rm_ChaosAngl > The Confessional|
I haven't updated in awhile. Between work and the kids, I've been so tired, its hard to compose the words.
I have, however, updated my livejournal on occassion. Little snippets here and there, really and nothing of great import.
I wanted to use this site for those thoughts that I'm not comfortable to place other places...those 'deep' thoughts that flicker through my mind. Of late, those have been the rare occassion..and when I've had them, I can't get anywhere fast enough to record them.
Ever feel like life just sorta passes you by? I mean, I have things pretty good, I know this. I have family that helps, I have two wonderful kids that are decently behaved, I have a job. Somedays though, I find myself focusing on things I don't have, a social life (very sporadic), free time to do as I please, a relationship, a place of my own, money to spend as I desire.
Because of the children and my living arrangements, a social life for me is very difficult. For the most part, I don't mind this..it helps weed out those that don't really want friendship. Free time, well not really much I can do about that, except appreciate it when it comes about, and I do. Relationship? Well, when I really take a look at things, I'm not ready, I know this. I blame it on 'the grass is greener on the other side' syndrome. But, is it really?
I have a good life. Sure, there's rough spots..but what life doesn't have those? I have to remind myself that I don't get to see the rough spots for everyone. Not even for those closest to me. In turn, they don't get to see all of mine.
Its strange to think someone may look at me with that 'grass is greener' thought. From where I'm standing, it isn't all that green most of the time. I look at my single, childless friends and sometimes think "I wish I had the freedom they do".
Its frustrating sometimes to be a parent. Not just the kids themselves, but everything they effect. Oh, don't get me wrong..I wouldn't change having them. I can't imagine my life without them. They are the world to me..but every so often, I fall into that pattern of looking at what others have.
Its frustrating to be here on AdultFriendFinder sometimes, and have the kids. I seem to want what no one else does. The typical question "What are you looking for?" is almost dreaded.
You see, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for, if anything. I do, however, know what I'm not looking for..and that is to be a booty call. No, I'm serious. If I want a booty call, or to be one, I have places I can go. I'm good with that. If you want me to take time out of my schedule, away from my family and commitments...then I need something more than sex when you want it. Don't panic! I'm not asking for a proposal here. Sometimes, when I tell someone that, I feel like a leapor. I mean, I get that 'disappointment' that you can, literally, almost feel across the IM. You just know the man on the other side is thinking "High maintenance...I just wanna fuck a little"
No, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. And yes, I realize this is a sex site. I didn't realize, however, that's all it is. I mean, I do recall other options under "looking for" in the profile. I want friendship, a little romance maybe, someone I can have involved in my life. Not neccessarily a relationship, but a friendship that may or may not include sex or intimacy. A friendship that may lead to the possibility of more.
I don't want you to brush me off, simply because I don't have the time at this point to invest in being a booty call. My time is precious, you have to be worth it. If we meet, and you don't think you can even be friends with me...then tell me outright. I may be hurt, I may be upset..but in the end, I'll get over it. I'm not going to make life miserable for you..I don't have the time, or the inclination, to be honest.
I don't want you to assume that because I would like a friendship before sex, a friendship that may or may not include sex, and with the possibility of more that I expect it to grow into more. If you don't ask, how are you even certain that's what I'm hoping for? How can you say that I'm dreaming of that? I could be...or I could be on a totally different road.
Don't assume that I'm ready to jump into a full blown relationship simply because you may have some involvement with my family. Circumstances being what they are, that's inevitable regardless of your relationship to me. Don't start planning holidays. I'll let you know if you're invited.
Don't treat me like a leapor because I don't want exactly what you want. Have enough respect to say "Hey, I think we're looking for different things." Half the time, I expect to hear it anyway. Don't think that because our goals are different, that I can't carry on a perfectly platonic friendship. Or that I may not want to. YOU may not want to, and that's fine. Just don't make it seem like you do, if you don't. I'm a big girl, I can take a blow to the ego. I may not like it, but I can take it.
I mean, would you like to be treated that way? I don't think so. I try to live by the golden rule...treat others how you would like to be treated. I live this way, because I have seen that you get what you give. So, maybe, I have given this and am just getting like in return. If I have, I'm sorry..I didn't mean to treat others this way. Perhaps others can say the same. I don't know.
Oh yeah, if you can look at my profile, do so before contacting me, please. Don't write to me how you want to call me up on Tuesdays when wifey is gone to her usual girl thing and fuck my brains out. Not interested, my profile would tell you that. If you can't read my profile, you may want to try normal conversation first..find out what I'm into. Hell, even if you can read my profile, you may want to try that approach. You'll get a lot further. My mail box is full of "Your hot, wish I could fuck you" type emails. While they are flattering, they don't really leave me much to go on. They also don't seem personal...like you're truly interested in me. I'm not interested in being another hole to fill - there are others who are, go find them. You may also want to include something about you..something open ended that would start a conversation. "Wanna fuck?" is not a good one. "No." doesn't really leave a lot of room for discussion, does it?
Also, don't ask if we can meet before we've even talked. I don't know you...how do I know if I want to meet you? Talk to me a few times, then maybe we'll see.
Here's another thing. If you've met my best friend, don't try to get to her through me. Just don't. Talk to her directly. Oh, yeah, don't pretend you're interested in me if you're really just interested in her, but I'll "do". I know she's more outgoing than I am, she has a better body than I do, she has larger bustline than I do...but, geeze, I'm a person too. I'm not a 'back-up' just in case she's not into you or she's not available at a particular time. That makes me feel bad, and I don't like to feel bad. It makes her feel bad, and I don't like her feeling bad either.
Don't lay a guilt trip on me if I can't meet, or if I have to cancel. I have children, they come first..period. I don't know you, you come last. Cold, hard fact..deal with it. I'll tell you if I can't make it, I won't leave you just hanging..I would appreciate the same in turn.
And just so everyone knows...this is aimed at no one in particular.