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The One That Got Away
The One That Got Away
Everyone has one or two, possibly more of these, in their dating history. I certainly have my share, and it's just as bewildering for me as it is for anyone else who has gone through this.
All the elements are in place..major mutual attraction, huge personal chemistry, maybe you even find you've got high sexual compatibility, and never a loss for conversation. Yet for some reason they completely drop off the planet one day, suddenly stop answering your emails, IMs, whatever, and no longer contact you. It's baffling. And kind of painful. And I know there is very rarely NO reason for this to happen, because I'm not a big fan of confrontation myself and the "no response is a response" is one of the easiest,laziest (and most inconsiderate) crutches out there.
I met this one guy in one of the chatrooms here over the summer, we bantered nonsexually back and forth here and there when we would run into each other. I was usually complaining about how hot my apartment was and how I was having to take cold baths every day to cool off. The banter started to take a more flirtatious turn, and eventually we went to IMs off site. He told me that I'd caught his eye a while back but I'd been seeing someone, and he loved my pictures, and I was bowled over by his pictures and told him so. Moreover, he was very witty, on top of current events, and highly articulate. It's odd how even online you can feel crackling chemistry when it's there. And it was there.
So eventually, we met. One night, he drove in from the Island and picked me up, and when I got in the car and went to greet him, it was like looking at the sun, he is *that* goodlooking. (Think George Clooney.) I couldn't even look straight at him for the first few minutes. I was very, very pleased. He seemed to like what he saw when he looked at me, too. We went bowling at the local lanes, and put some fun stakes on the game. Hugs for spares, kisses for strikes, more kisses for multiple strikes. It was a lot of fun, and as the games progressed, the rules kind of went by the wayside, we couldn't keep our hands off each other and really, couldn't wait to leave. (BTW, he beat me in all three games, although I got my fair share of strikes in!)
We left, it was probably around 11 o'clock and there really isn't a lot to do in my area later in the night, especially on Sunday, but we weren't ready to call it a night. My place was also a wreck, but generally I don't like bringing dates back to my place the first time anyway, until I know them a little better. (And yet I was in his car. I KNOW. I am a woman of many contradictions, as you will learn, and most of them will leave you scratching your head.) So I said, "We could just park somewhere and talk," and he agreed. We found a spot near a train trestle (are you not impressed that I know what that is??) put on some music and talked about everything under the sun. Family, careers, politics, music, the conversation was going like gangbusters. At some point, we started to kiss again, and then things really started to heat up. We were still in a car, with a really annoying console in between the two seats, so things were only going to go so far, but they went fairly far. We both were happy campers by the time he dropped me back off in front of my building, and he watched me walk in to make sure I got in ok.
We talked the next day and I asked him if he was at all freaked out that we had let things go as far as they did, and he said, "no way, don't ever worry about things like that freaking me out". (lol.) We were in contact for awhile after that, the dynamic in the communiques did not change. He was busy with either work or family, and I was dying to set up another date, but tried hard not to be overbearing about it. He agreed, saying that he definitely wanted to see me again too, but solid plans never materialized. Then he stopped responding to my messages altogether.
Did he meet someone else? Was he actually involved with someone? Did I commit some minor affront that only he would have picked up on and reacted to? I don't know. (I do know he was not married when I went out with him though, thank God.) A mutual friend later advised me that he simply goes through phases of intensity and then retraction/withdrawal. I can't judge, we all have our quirks. I've got a warehouse's worth of my own. I still sometimes hope that I'll hear from him, though.
All this on the heels of the boyfriend earlier this year who vanished without a trace only to surface and tell someone else, not me, (using the SAME email service as me, no less..we were both on his buddy list) that he'd been in a terrible accident that I could not verify with either the state police, 20 hospitals, or the highway authority. (He then started contacting me again recently, I am polite, but no longer trust him.)
It occurred to me while writing this that I must have at some point been "the one that got away" to someone, and I say that in all seriousness, and totally free of ego. Everyone who has extensive dating experience has been on one side, the other, and in many cases, I believe, both. I feel bad about it if I have been in that position, and I genuinely feel bad for anyone whose feelings I have injured without intending to.
Next time I will use fishing net and/or a sturdy lasso. Hey, it's 6:20 in the morning and I have insomnia again, what do you expect from me?
10/16/2005 8:45 am
I had a similar experience where I got this wonderful email from this man. This letter was so sweet and soul bearing and it touched my heart. It helped that he's kinda cute!|
I contacted him on yahoo as soon as is finished reading his message...something I rarely do. What was supposed to be a 15 minute IM session turned into 3 hours of IM and 2 hours on the phone. I was absolutelty smitten!
The next day we were on the phone again and we made plans to go to dinner that Friday. We spoke on the phone every day and inevitably the conversation ended up being about sex. We spoke about our preferences. I prefer not to do certain things and he...well he'll do anything!
Somehow we ended up having phone sex (again something I NEVER do)and it felt odd because the things he was saying were a bit...lets say gross. I decided to let it go. As soon as it was over he said he was tired and we hung up with promises of future calls.
Then I don't hear from him for 2 days and I email him to comfirm that we were still on for dinner on friday. He replies stating that he thought it was best that we don't meet because I have too many issues with men...the reason he says I have issues with men is because of the things I won't do.
Apparently he felt "pressure" to be the perfect man. I think he wanted a cockhungry cumslut and I wasn't it!
10/16/2005 12:17 pm
OK Cause, here is how I feel about this. He goes through phases of intensity and then withdrawal... Be glad he got away! Hey, he may have been hot as anything and had a lot in common with you, but do you really want to spend your time dealing with manic episodes, that he doesn't view as manic episodes? We all have our quirks, especially the people on this site. However, people who tend to become withdrawn and disappear are so not good for the ego. Be glad it never got beyond one date. We're all neurotic enough.|
I can't believe Mr. I-Can-Remember-Every-Email-Addy-Except-Yours is back in touch with you! Don't fall for it! If he tries to get you back, start asking for the accident report.
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I swear, the number of guys in the NYC area who are defective seem to be higher than the rest of the area. Especially the ones from the Island. Is there something in the water?
10/24/2005 1:49 pm
Stress from too many people in the area. I recall an experiment with rats that had many terrible results when overcrowded, such as cannibalism, agression and failing to feed babies. Just an idea but humans are mammals too.|
10/30/2005 1:17 am
I seem to have slightly different experiences in this area.|
I have never been "the one that got away"...more like "the one thrown away" ...
Some people are actually afraid of feeling so much for another. The intensity, the passion, the sheer strength of feelings ... it scares many people. Feeling that strongly about another person is a selfless thing, it removes a lot of selfish behavior and when you get right down to it, most people are too selfish and do not want to give of themselves to anyone but themselves.
It seems like the easiest thing in life to do, to feel so strongly about someone. In actuality, it is the most difficult thing to do.
I can't tell you how many times I have felt that bond with a woman, that clicking, only to have them meet me and be disgusted. Like that chemistry didn't exist. I failed chemistry in 10th grade and seemingly have been failing it ever since. Until recently anyway.
In my view, anyone that afraid of feeling so strongly about another, is not worth the effort, no matter how good looking or how good they can fuck, or how much they despise Paris Hilton, etc. ... Character overcomes fear. Too bad that character and mental prowess cannot overcome physical appearances.
And MissAnn, you say things about Long Islanders. Yes, DuPont dumped many chemicals in this area without ever mentioning it to anyone. The groundwater on L.I. is one of THE worst in the U.S. I hear that Three Mile Island has better groundwater quality than we do here. But ... Jersey has that rep too. It's not like Poland Spring is located in the northern sections of Jersey ....
I was in Jersey once for my old job. They were building a shoppng mall. They had poured the cement, and I decided to leave my handprints in the cement. So, I reached in ... weirdest feeling when you reach into cement with your hands to leave prints, and you feel another hand ....
I agree that suddenly disappearing from IM etc. is rude and inconsiderate. It is actually a selfish act, done by a selfish person. See above.
I have had that happen to me with someone from AFF_ two years ago and it STILL bothers me that she did it. Selfish and inconsiderate. And hurtful.