Torres del Paine  

rm_CarpeDiem969 43M
0 posts
7/26/2005 4:43 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Torres del Paine


Sometimes I'm attacked by colours. Especially by autumn ones. I'm most sensitive to them, perhaps due to my time of birth. I just adore yellow, orange and red in casts like you can see on autumn leaves, the same that you can see in the flame of fire, when you are roasting chestnuts. That red which sparkles in dying live coal. Or that yellow flame which rises itself from time to time from black charcoal.
I always sad that my favourite colour is blue. This colour is also in a flame, right on the edge it plays it's secret games. Just like in the background of the autumn wood mighty blue rises the colour of the sky. Sky is blue, sea as well and lakes too.
But today it is gray. There is no blueness to bring out colourfulness of the autumn. There is just this bottom like pressure of grey. Yes, I remember that I liked to hang out in grey. It was back then, when I was terribly afraid of feelings. All of them. That's way I dressed myself in grey. The same one that today's day is wearing it as well.
What is it day? What are you afraid of?
All of these beautiful colours of yours or maybe just the coming white? The frizzy oblivion. Icy crust that will hide everything that you feel.
What? No?
Yes, this is the way it is... You are afraid to feel... that's why these grey words... that's why you are running back in embrace of peace. Peace is welcome. Then human has the power to do something. Only the main work is left untouched. Unaccomplished. Grey.

My colours attacked me this morning. Not just like that, without reason, oh no! They had a picture with them. From mixture of colours I could distinct the real picture. Picture of sand dunes. Yellowish. I've seen rocky cavern in orange colours with spots of black. In the middle of this cave, which was illuminated from different sides by a white-yellow light, there is a body lying. Body in a blue dress. Immobile. There are only eyes moving. That's all. As if the dress is a sort of heavy ice. Armour. Shiny and non-penetrable.
It is a woman gazing at me. At me, carried by my colours. At me, burning in a flame of mentioned autumn colours. She is nailed there. Sad within cave. Dress is enclosing her body. Hard... tight... and when the wind blows gently... oh, it's skirt waves... it waves the scarf... but body does not move... does not move away... just eyes... just eyes are the ones shinning. Only eyes can see my colours. They feel them... they are touching them... just by a look... nothing else. They are climbing over my body... here and there, sniffing all of the autumn colours ending here on this desert place... on this fiery place... in the middle of the fire... only the blueness of the sky is missing. The one it can not be seen from within the cave.
Her lips are shaking... in quick shudders... impetuously... like they would liek to speak up... those lips... but here is no voice... just silent look... look that speaks all that lips can't... it's not that silent as it looks, it is alive and searching... but exhausted, timorous... I feel that it carries a spark of life... which is trying to break through it's own armour of blueness... and I make a step... step forward... and her dress is changing colours... from light blue to turquoise and back... just like those ice bergs in Chile... exactly like that... like those chunks of ice in the sea... that charming colour... Why am I being haunted by this colour? Why was I bewitched when I watched those Icebergs there deep, deep south of out planet?
This colours are good... good as a life... and they are dragging to them like a magnet... unstoppable... I nearly jumped in a icy sea, just to touch them... to touch colour and to touch ice... now I’m closing in with the same determination to her colour. To this shades of colours that I saw in Torres del Paine ‒ the towers of blue in the national park in Chile.
Chile ‒ a world turned up side down. On the south icebergs, lakes, fjords and cold, on the north desert, fiery autumn colours of stone and heat. In the middle of such dessert I stand now... hidden in sub terrain cave... in middle of this cavern there is this charming blueness, which has nothing to do in here.
I move a step closer... colours are mixing... they are changing... and I'm getting a feeling like someone is stretching hand towards me... I finch... but it's nothing... nothing happens. Just eyes... only eyes... and nothing else. She lies like a statue... immovable... only colours are jumping back and forwards... pouring over... raging... all over her body... like the sea... like the sky...
One more step... and colours went into a rage of fury... they get wild in a dance of blueness and white... just like the clouds are playing from time to time on the sky... just like that. Shooting far to the end of horizon... together with its whiteness, which is sheering up the sky rompishnessbly... now her dress is luminous... with whiteness playing all over her body... flowing slowly from her torso to her foots... so gently... slowly skidding... pouring over to blueness and back to whiteness... And now this glacier colour... the one that is changing me... It made me to do one more step, even before my foot made it... I'm standing close... a stone's throw from her... and I can see her eyes... just enough to see her wavy hair, which were until now lost in a blur of black in this autumn coloured cave... now they are here... waving, even thou they are standing still... Waving like the sea... silently... but I can hear, that these hairs are striking against a wall... I can feel that they are hitting rocks... these hairs... are striking... gets through me. They are striking against the rock thousands of years... upon a coast in order that life could break through... It's not going... they are hitting... striking... but nothing changes... rocky mass stays the same... Perhaps they move a single rock for a bit... but many more kilometres of rock remains still... This is why she has dark colour of hair... it's the blackness out of despair... it is the dust of brown rocks, which began to disturb clear water... hairs.
Hairs... hairs are prisoners of their own sea of rocks... and where ever they turn to, where ever they wave to... where ever... they are still caught... restricted in midst of mute rocks... within silent rock... In this sea, there is no life... in this sea, there is no freedom... only weak desire for it... only this and nothing else.
Now I'm even one more step closer to her... I can see clearly each colour pouring over her dress... over her scarf, which is pressing her neck tightly... turquoise glacier... white snow... light blue sky... and clouds... all mixed up in her... all flying all over her. All here... swarming here and there, renewing immobility of her body... it seem like that... it looks like that.
I kneel down on my one leg and raise my look to her eyes... they sparkle in a silence... I'm looking into her eyes... and they are slowly loosing its brownish colour... just some more... and here it is the green spark... this deep colour so much alike the glacier one... this green... green that holds my look so firmly... that I'm unable to look away... I can't escape it. And while I'm looking in this green eyes of hers... her lips are shaking... at first weakly... and then the shaking is getting stronger... and stronger... like an earthquake... But her mouth is silent... Without moving my sight I can feel the wave of her hair, I feel their slam up the rocks... The blow is so harsh that it stung me to the heart... I'm heartstricken... it's a pain so hard that I also am not able to make a sound... my throat is squeezed... then I realize... something is squeezing her throat... it's the scarf of hers... this scarf, which is flickering in midst of cafe, although there is no wind... no draft... At least not now... Upon my arrival there was a slight breeze, which disappear into the unknown... and the scarf is fluttering together with the clothes.
Slowly I reach out my palm... slowly nearing her scarf... as slow as I can... and her eyes are getting warm shine... thankful... and immensely warm... just like the autumn sun, when it reaches you with it's last warm rays before coming winter... Here gaze was just like that. Now my hand is only millimetre away... and the scarf is still waving... I touch it... It stops... I move my hand away... and scarf is fluttering again... I touch it again and it stops. Now I touch it stronger... I hold it... and it turns hard... I grab it... and it becomes stone hard... harder and harder... just like steel... it doesn't give away... I apply my second hand as well... then it turns diamond cold... firm... immovable... like cuffs... I try with all my strength... nothing... it doesn't move... it's even getting harder... I move away my self... I move away my hands... and the scarf is waving again, softly like a spring flower... like if there was no past... like it wouldn't be icy and immovable a moment ago... I look into her eyes... they are sad... Sad and full of pain... pain brought to her by this monstrous scarf... this devils device strangling her neck.
I try again... it doesn't help... scarf squeezed her even harder... so hard that a tear comes out of her eye... silently from her left eye... Mute as her lips, still in a shaky motion... trying to speak...
It doesn't go... No force can help me to free her... it simply doesn't go... I bow my head... and I catch sight of my light brown-yellowish colour of trousers... I see my yellow sneakers... and then it gets to me... I know what I need... I raise ma head... and I gently touch her hair in a way that they fly here and there... like a birds, freed from a cage... but these birds are a bit clumsy... centuries they were imprisoned... the memories of flying nearly taken away from them... but they try to fly... Clumsy as they are... they are running into things... falling... flying again... They are everywhere... all over her face... and around... jumping up and down... like a new born bullocks... It's a pleasure to watch them... and there is her look... That green look... grateful look... now full of stars... full of life, just like her hairs... just like the play of her hair... just like that.
My hand slips towards her cheek... and now her body moves... for the first time... she softly leans on my hand with her cheek, so it fits to my hand even more now... and softness fills the room... special kind of feeling... the one that cracks centuries and destroys rocks... Like an engine of life... and her eyes... are melting... melting in tears... teeny tiny tears... hardly seen with human eyes... but my hand can feel them, while touching her cheek... feel how they murmur towards the top... and I can feel them in the depth of my heart... Feel the tiny tears running to the surface of her eyes... eyes glaring with special drowned closeness... humid green stretches now over her eyes... and they are dragging me... lugging me towards her... I wouldn't mind if these eyes were the top of the cavern... the exit to the sky... It's strength of dragging is stronger then gravity itself... stronger of anything that ever was or is... only eyes... drawing me to this planet... to anywhere...
I kneel some more... and my lips touch her eyes... it rattles... walls are collapsing... disintegrate into nothing... there are no more rocks... just the colour is here... colour of autumn yellowness... mixed with orange inspiration and passion of redness... I slip... slip with my lips... towards her lips... it draws me... draws me when I touch them... like a fire... So it hurts my heart... and form heart all of my colours begin to erupt... all over my heart, where at my look at here there was only live coal... Now there is a huge fire raging... tongues of flame reaching the sky... strong... Strong so much that the sky takes the colour of the fire... Blue is in retreat... clouds are shrinking into a yellow reddish cast of flame... They are playing with the new colours, smearing them all over the sky... just like kids with watercolours... just like that...
While the flames are taking the sky and the earth... while this colouring of the horizon with the colour of the setting sun... in mean time... scarf eases the grip... it fells slowly to the ground... freeing her neck... It let her go... Heat of the moment... violence of the colours forced it to reduce the grip... and when I move my face for a second, so I could look into her eyes again... her lips shake a bit... differently... much differently then before... now I can here them saying:
"You have green eyes... I thought you have brown ones."
Should I tell her, that not a long ago they were truly brown? Should I tell her, that I was thrown to the browness, similar harness like her own?
"Also yours are incredibly green." I say to her with the colour of flame... the same one that is striking from one wall of my heart to the other.
She moves her head... examining me... from the neck down... still immovable... Her look stops at my yellow sneakers... and she smiles... she falls into a strong laughter... she can't stop... she is giggling now...
"This sneakers..." her eyes are smiling. I don't count her this as an act of evil... no. I wait so, she calms her down... and then her eyes get her magnetic look again... that gaze... That ultra attraction. They don't say anything... just draw... draw... like force of mighty universe of life is drawing, so the all the planets are rotating and the galaxies as well.
Again our lips touch each other, they are together again... one by other. Like if the time itself would plan to be this way... from the early beginning of time... and while our lips are dancing the dance of touching... on the surface... our hearts meet and bind in a combined cramp of life... together they bit as one in the midst of dance of our lips... so we both glow and dance forwards... Again colours of flame reaches the sky... and when the flame fills everything around us... then slowly her turquoise iciness withdraws... slowly it draws back... with each dancing step of our souls... iciness withdraws a bit further away... These are not dancing steps learned in dancing school... no, they are like wind, which never looks where it blows, where it goes... it matters only to feel the unity... to be one... one with everyone and everything...
Now her last bit of her close, which bonded her like if it would be made out of metal, drops off... Her body is set free... new freedom finds it ways into her limps... just it did with her hair... now her body also doesn't know exactly what to do... doesn't know what or how... it begins to rage... getting wild... it can't control the pressure inside... It begins to fold... like a mad wild cat... sometimes like a cat hunting... then again like awaking cat... And her body is wilder and wilder...
"Slow down... ease yourself... don't be afraid of what is growing inside you... don't rage... just let yourself to feelings... to emotions... they will not force you to loose your mind... they won't... Let them carry you like waves on the sea... surrender yourself." I say to her... and then I stop myself... I wait, so her chest stops it wild ups and downs... and when her breath is normal again... well almost... I touch her again... with my lips...
She waves... gets mad... instantly... she jumps on me... and I hold her firmly around her shoulders and put her down... I wait myself to calm down... then I try to calm her down... I try to bring her the peace... to calm all the confusion inside her, which is trying to get out of her... With slow move of my hand beside her body I try to tell her, that everything is O.K... everything is gonna be alright, no need to be wild... my heart deeply loves her... no need to hury... The icy clothes will not come back if she lets her heart to be free... to warm up all of her body... she just have to leave herself to heart...
"Time is irelevant..." I say to her "don't worry..."
My palms swim into her face and my look is loosing itself in her deep gaze... such a beauty haven't seen by my eyes yet... Haven't seen such gracefulness in a pair of human eyes... haven't touched the cheeks, which would be able to express all that her heart is living through at the moment.
Endless embrace... closeness without distance... while night and day changes... without noticing anything... I lift her... we are standing beside each other... and we dance with our bodies the dance, similar to the dance that our two souls danced a while ago... Soul mates which finally found the other half... my legs are weakening... I hardly can hold her... but inner strength makes me lift her higher, so she embrace me with her legs around my side... We are spinning... then comes a kiss... and kiss again... so we stop... we are standing still... everything stays still, except world is running around us... and into a kiss went all my energy... so my hands opens... and her legs slowly touches the flour... She is a bit better... She is still shaking... but standing... and this time... her foots are following my step... following the rhythm of the music that surrounds us... music played by unity of our two souls...
No time has passed... and jet all the time of the universe was present... all or nothing...
Then peace. Silence. I stand immovable by her... I look into her eyes... and from my heart come the words I wished for many years.
"Come with me." I say holding her hand. She let it go and her body slides away from me, without moving her feet.
"I can't..." she says and bows her head still sliding away from me, like if she would be standing on invisible saucer which is constantly moving away from me.
"Why not?" I wonder, when I hear a sound of closing doors coming out of nowhere.
"No..." she says with her bowed head... and when I don't say nothing... she raises her look and when it meets mine, she bows again and mumbles:
"...maybe... might be true..." she begins to clasp with one hand around the other hands finger...
"... that we shouldn't go, where we were now..." she turns her hand around that finger, like if her other hand is an ancient clock needed to be wind...
"... I'm not ready for this..." her moves are getting slower and slower...
"... what I've done" her restless unrest is growing bigger, even getting a shape of fear... now the clothes is coming back slowly... pulling her into a icy blueness... dress is spreading from her feet to the waist...
"... in reality... I can't... I can't follow my heart... It doesn't go... I don't know why..." slowly her dress is progressing... drawing her into a suit of armour... armour of blue... turquoise iceberg... almost unnoticeable... it progress to all of the body... until her arms and palms becomes apathetic...
Now she is lying on the ground... her dress swept her of her feet and softly put her on the sandy floor of the cave... rocks do appear again... black shades of shadows are back again...
Again we stand a stone throw aside... like on the beginning... there are only her eyes left...
"I'm so sorry that it is like so... I'm sorry... it might sound funny, but I love you.. always... eternally." now the scarf which was silently lying on the ground until now, pulls tight around her neck again... it abduct her last words. So all that is left to me are tears... silent and mute they fall into dust beneath me... the deep dryness swallows them as fast as they come... They disappear so fast, that they even don't make a sound... all that shows they were there are little, teeny tiny craters... consequence of the force of gravity and surface tension of droplets... I can't move... I can't speak out magic word... a password, which would open her heart... I can't give her my letters... I can't say that catchword... but it is so easy... so simple... and so close...
"LOVE"... but I can't... I can't even cry it out... I can't moan it... I can only cry... so silently... like my tears that are dropping on the ground... and my look is getting uneven... through this twinkling look... I can see her body lying still... like at the moment I entered the cave... like that moment when stars led me to this place... to her nearness... For a moment I get a feeling she is crawling towards me... that she is moving... and joyfully I sharpen my look... but it was only play of my tears in my eyes and light... not reality... regretfully.
My soul mate is caught into icy armour of own fear. And pain strikes my heart. So sharp and fast... and jet again obtuse and infinitive... infinitive like eternal loss I suffered today... so equal to her iceberg like immovability caught in the middle of rocks... Will she ever move? Will she move or will she be prisoner of own emotions for ever... Why she lets the dark shades to govern her... are the colours of autumn that wrong?
It waters my eyes... so thick as if I would be standing on the shipboard in the middle of the worst thunderstorm ever... her outline is slowly erasing... every new teardrop erases her a bit more... everything that reminds me on her as well... Even shadows are cleared up... by these drops... by these tears...
When I calm down... when my heart is able to bit again... bit between all this horrific cramps of pain, when I finally can see again... out of my own body... when my eyes are once again able to see the light... there stands a word completely different.
I'm in the middle of the blue. I stand in midst of blueness. Alone... in front of me there are high Torres del Paine... high mountains... high towers of blue... and there is a blue lake there too... made out of exact colours as her dress... equal... And I'm here the only foreigner in my colours of autumn... like a colour trash... like the only one dare enough to bring some colour of flame... the only daring one, that brings fire into this landscape of ice and cold... like the only one in flames... Alone... in the midst of these mountains... this icy colours... in the middle of rocks... on the bottom of the lake... somewhere, somewhere... here is hidden my soul mate... and today I'll go... go and get the equipment... scuba dive outfit... climbing gear... a shovel... For she is somewhere in this blueness... lost somewhere... my soul mate I don't dare to loose again...
And my limbs turned into paws... and my mouth turned into muzzle... and tail grows out of my back... and when I stepped to the lake, I saw a face of a Wolf.
I'm wolf now.

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