|Blogs > rm_CalgaryComic > It only hurts when I laugh|
Well I'm back at my blog...not sure why apparently thr only people reading this are my wife and all her lovers...oh well.
I've been pretty bummed lately but let's start with the good news. Work's gone well, my exercise program has improved my health (I've actually tightened the belt one notch, a good start) My son loves school and my wife loves...loving
This whole "let's open our relationship" thing has turned into a disaster for me. It's consisted of her getting TONS of friends (cuddle dates, chat dates, sex partners, heck she's offically a mistress to one of them) where as I get to re-live all the rejection of high school all over again.
First off the AdultFriendFinder chat room is nothing more than hey look at me look at me wanna fuck? It's a pathetic scene as women log in and cock tease desperate men who beg for attention then get spurned like a shitty singles bar. NO THANKS.
Secondly I'm just NOT that much on paper. I love to laugh and entertain to style and profile. Not easy online.
Third (man this sux) I'm married which is the mark of Kain OUTSIDE AdultFriendFinder. Other chat sites and nightclubs are simply a no go and I'm not the young man I was 10 years ago to do nightclubs. To boot I'm off thrs-sat and those are the days to go to bars but I want my off nights with my wife, and seeing as I work graves she has guys over when I leave at 9:00 sun-wed.
Ok OK I am not a rookie here. I am well aware that my wife will get 10X more response from men simply due to the fact she's a woman online. The fact she's way too fucking hot will give her 20X more response than me. And the fact she comes across in her profile as always horny and very fuckable after the 1st or 2nd date makes her 50X higher in responses.
This has caused some SERIOUS relationship friction lately. I get sex with her, she gets me AND a bevy of boys. My sex drive is just as high if not HIGHEr and now I'm getting a little LESS than before cause she's getting more. I'm not jealous of the other men I'm jealous of the time they get to spend with her.
Getting off the nightshift would be a great option if it wouldn't cost the family 200 a month. I get more $ working these hours and I've risen in the ranks of the corporation due to it. It's just not a smart move, but compared to having 7 open nights a week with my wife, or even 4 nights with my wife and 3 nights in the pursuit of something else 200 may be a MORE than fair tradeoff. Plus I'm really lonely.
At least a few issues boiled over today and the Mrs. and I worked out a lot of issues. We've clearly defined "wife and toys time" (and now it's while I'm at work so I'm not kicked out of the house anymore, another pet peeve of mine) Co-existence time where we're mom and dad and the kids and all our hobbies get our energy and Me and my lover time where *I* get to date my wife.
One of the things that always troubled me about her dates was how excited she got. I understood something new and shiney will make you excitied, but was I really the old shoe? Was hanging out with ME really that BAD of an alternative? As much as it really broke my heart it turned out the answer was yes.
I've been a grump for a long time now, and... (okay deep breath this gets hard to write)...
My wife feels she's been treated as a slave and disrespected for a long time now. How long? I'd rather not say but it's REALLY FUCKING LONG. As such she gave up on me and us and started to find things to replace me. She'd keep me around as dad and husband it was just easier, but she looked outside us for companionship conversation and support.
WOW that hurt. But at least it was out there. The bright point is I NEVER tried to hurt her. Honestly I just never felt she was interested in me anymore. We all see where this is going. You don't like me --> I won't talk to you --> you don't talk to me so you must not like me so I won't talk to you --> You don't talk to me ever so --> etc etc a nice little loop of constant hurt.
Well the way she acted around other men snapped my head right around. Suddenly there she was, that bright sexy beautiful entertaining enchantress I had met and married. I'd watch her go out the door, and when she came back she'd bask in the afterglow of a great date to get a bucket of "what the fuck? why don't I get that anymore?" right in her face, the bucket of course washing all that excitement off and bringing the dull down constantly disapointed woman I was used to in my house.
WOW carrying any guilt or issues Matthew? naw I'm fine...really...
Well we had it out, got out every little emotional sword, arrow, knife, axe, spear and torch we had and went at it. We tore each other apart. In the end she stood tall knowing she'd alwasy been true to herself and I fell shedded into random atoms.
Boy am I wonders with a glue stick. I pulled my shit together and really LISTENED to what my wife was saying. And despite taking off her wedding rings and asking for "the papers" she cared enough to still be honest and tell me how she felt. May have been one of the best gifts I've ever recieved.
SO where to boss? Well now I've got all the answers to a happy life again. I really think we're going to be okay now. We've re-opened a lot of doors of communication and we're learning to live in love again and not negotiating how to co-exist. It seemed we were just trying to find a common denominator of dealing with each other, instead of contiuing to bond and grow. If you're not moving forward, standing still cn be worse than moving backwards.
I just hope she knows how much I love her and am devoted to her. I used to be the 1st thing she'd talk about with other men, now she does not talk about me at all. Probably because I had become such a dark spot in her life. I have the chance to become a partner again.
Fuck just writing this it forces me to admit I'm not over a lot of the guilt. I can't forgive the way she's been treated, I feel so unworthy. I can't move forward untill I get rid of this. I feel like I keep this tied to my back and I look to her to relase me from it...
I just want her to get dressed up in full slutware for ME again. I don't mind being the old shoe, and to her feeling trusting and comfortable with me is a more close and intimate realtionship than just a fun screw with a toy.
I just remember when I was the toy and how good and special she made me feel....
I want her to come down the stairs after 30 min of her getting dressed up to spend the night with ME on the couch. I don't care if I'm not new, why can't I FEEL that way again?
MAYBE I will be new. Maybe if I can successfully shed all this shame and be the man she deservs, maybe if I am the loving confident and caring friend. Maybe if I am the shoulder to lean on the ear to talk to...maybe if I live up to everything she hoped for in me, THEN she'll treat me that way.
"Matthew the last month with you has been wonderful, no grumpy, no disrespect, none of the bullshit that's plagued our relationship, I just thought I would like to do something special for YOU."
THAT's THE DREAM....