Cynical, Moi?  

360 posts
8/9/2005 9:05 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Cynical, Moi?

I've been having an ongoing exchange with slightlysexy8. She seem to think that I'm cynical about meeting people here, I think I'm just being realistic and truthful. Here are some of my thoughts on AdultFriendFinder, adult dating sites, and some of the people who use them.

I've actually met more people from free sites than I've met from here (they call this free, but if you have to pay to email people, that's not free in my book). I am cynical about actually meeting anyone from here. Many talk the talk, but very very few actually walk the walk (in my humble experience).

Even considering that personal preferences may account for some of the difference, there are still a LOT of talkers here (as with any adult dating site). Maybe it's different in the UK, I know Europeans tend to have a bit more open attitude towards sex than Americans. My tolerance for bullshit is pretty low.

I am generally a positive, intelligent, articulate, human being. If I'm cynical it's because I've been fending off sexbots, and spammers for the past five years. I'm just tired of guys posing as girls, so they can harvest email from people, because they think that if you come to a site like this you MUST be desperate. I understand the mentality, and the demographic, as I am an Adult Web Admin in my spare time, and I have targeted the same group with many of the same tactics.

Ah yes, I guess turn about is fair play. I've repented and no longer target people for adult email just because they sign up for one of my web sites.It's nice to know that the person on the other end of the wire is a person.

Some people say that they don't have anything to prove, but I disagree.

I guess if you intend on remaining anonymous then it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks of you. On the other hand if you have any intention of actually interacting with live human beings, what those people think of you may be important at some point. I guess that is an issue for me because of a couple of extreme experiences that I have had with people online. i.e. One woman had me drive 90 miles to meet her and when I arrived her husband met me at the door.

I know that a lot of people come to sites like AdultFriendFinder for amusement, I think I'm a little offended that people would find my lifestyle amusing. My spiritual training makes me a no bullshit sort of guy, and I don't tolerate it well from others. As far as I am concerned your personal integrity is about the only thing that you can take with you through this journey we call life. Friends come and go, so do wives, girlfriends, children, etc., the only constant in your life is, you.

For me, the real quality of life is determined by the quality of people you associate yourself with. If they lack integrity then your own values have to be called into question. i.e. If you are a person of integrity why would you want people that lack it in your life.

This is something that is obviously a lot more important to me than it is with a lot of other people.

I'm not sure why anyone would choose to associate with a site like AdultFriendFinder if they aren't serious about the lifestyle. It isn't something that is typically thought of in positive terms by society. You can't exactly spread it around that you like sleeping with lots of different people, or someone of the same sex, or with two other people, or a group of people, etc. As accepting as western society has become of of this behavior, it is still frowned on. In some parts of the world it is punishable by death.

I think it comes back to the idea that it is exciting, a little dangerous, and people like to think that their life is exciting. So lots of folks show up to share a vicarious thrill by pretending they are IN the lifestyle. It's a sort of cyber-tourism.

It also reminds me of an old sci-fi flick called Westworld. Yul Brenner plays a gunslinging robot who's sole function is to provide tourists with the thrill of living out their fantasies by pretending to be in a gunfight. Eventually, the robots become conscious and revolt, killing all the tourists.

Not to say that everyone here is a tourist, or that anyone isn't real, just explaining why people being real is important to me.

Slightlysexy8 made a point about getting some insight into global human interaction. I think it is amazing that we can connect on a personal level with strangers on the other side of the planet. This is good. Now if we could just agree on who the real threat to world peace and security is we might actually enact changes to make the world a better, safer, place to live.

Slightlysexy8 pointed out that I've been on adult site for a long time and seem very frustrated by it. She's right, carrying on (for over 10 years) in the face of failure is futile. It is however one of the defining traits of the Teutonic peoples. Our sense of heroism is rooted in the idea that true valor can only be achieved in the face of overwhelming odds and certain defeat. It's why Germany wouldn't surrender until it was totally destroyed. But I digress.

I have been very successful with women in real life. That is not a boast just a matter of favorable statistics. I was a hairstylist for many years and was in the constant company of attractive, intelligent, horny women.

I mean if any guy spent 8 to 10 hours a day talking with women, the odds are that he would run into at least 1 a day that was interested in him sexually. Let's say that he associates with 10 women a day, 5 days a week, and that 1 woman a day is interested in him sexually. That would be 5 out of 50 that had some interest, or about 10%.

If he only pursued that interest 10% of the time that would be 1 woman every 2 weeks, about 1 woman in a hundred, or 26 women a year. I was in the business for over 10 years. I don't make shit up cause I don't have to.

Honestly, I have met some women online that I developed relationships with in real life. So in spite of the fact that there are a LOT of imposters, this is still a pretty good way to hook up with women. I would just like to narrow the odds by eliminating the unnecessary negative results. That may sound cold, but that's the name of the game online.

What do you think or how do you feel about all this?

keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
8/10/2005 7:01 am

I'm not sure why anyone would choose to associate with a site like AdultFriendFinder if they aren't serious about the lifestyle.

There are other things to do on this site besides hooking up so I don't suppose that all the "non-meeters" are impostors or players or whatevers.

Also, there is a wide array of humans on the planet, and this site is a reflection of that variety. I suppose that anywhere you go you will see representives of all sorts of intentions.

476 posts
8/10/2005 10:03 am

Keith, I realize that there are people on this site, as with any other site, who are looking for something other than hooking up. However, the site is billed as "The World's Largest Sex & Swinger Personals site." If someone is not here to meet people for sex or swinging, then it seems to me that, they would more appropriately fit on another site, i.e. "The Sex Talk & Blogging Site," or whatever that niche might be.

I'm not dissing this site, or the people on it, I really love some of the folks I've encountered here. It's just that it's the same story in every dating site I've ever participated in, which is quite a few over the past 10 years. There is way more talk in cyberspace than action, but I guess that is to be expected until we get the feelie-suits perfected.

To be really honest I don't care if someone is being phoney or not until they make an overture to take in into the real world. i.e. The woman that invited me over for sex in the middle of the night, then had her husband meet me at the door when I arrived. I object when it crosses the line from fun to malicious, or reckless, behavior.

papyrina 51F
21133 posts
8/10/2005 1:37 pm

i've had fun on here,met quite a few nice guys,mostly for coffee but a few the chemistry has been there,but if i hadn't met any its still not a problem,i hate tv so in a way this keeps me company and keep me from getting too bored

I'm a

i'm here to stay

slightly_sexy8 38F
314 posts
8/10/2005 1:55 pm

is there a "sex talk & blogging site?

and what happened at the door?

476 posts
8/15/2005 12:44 am

I just got back from San Antonio, so pardon me if I'm incoherent.

I don't have a problem with anyone that wants to come on this site, or any other, who says, "hey, I'm just here for the conversation." That's up front and fair. What I'm talking about are people who come on nice, you spend a while talking with via email or chat room, etc. and then they make an overture like, "let's meet." Then when you go to meet them, just for coffee or whatever, they no show. Or they will never commit to meeting for coffee. They give you the, "Hey, I'm really interested in you," line, then refuse to meet in the real world. That's what I've run into more than anything else.

At the door, at 4AM, the hubby answers and I say, "Hi, I'm looking for (insert name here)." He says, "She's not here right now." I had just spoken with her on the phone 15 minutes earlier.

Maybe I'm the only one this has ever happened to, but I bet not.

I think it just boils down to having some basic common courtesy.

keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
8/20/2005 5:51 am

My experiences with trying to get past the internet into the real world with these folks is that when it comes down to the meet the girls just plain disappeared. And this after all the chat and e-mail and other bullshit proceedures that must be the beginning of online dating games.

I have not tried anymore. The hell with it. AdultFriendFinder is now just a blogsite for me. And I am having some fun with it too.

For real life dates I have fallen back to the old fashioned way...real life introductions.

476 posts
8/21/2005 1:05 am

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ double ditto

slightly_sexy8 38F
314 posts
8/22/2005 12:49 pm

i didn't think i was going to find it but here's the statement i wanted to ask about..

"My spiritual training makes me a no bullshit sort of guy, and I don't tolerate it well from others. "

when you say spiritual training, what do you mean? if not too personal of course.

476 posts
8/22/2005 10:52 pm

I'll try to keep it short. I was raised pentecostal. One of the basic tenents of that faith is that in order to be one with god a person must strip away their ego. To make yourself venerable to god's will you must trust that god has complete control of your life and that nothing bad will happen to you. In order to accomplish this you cannot operate with any pretense about who you are and what you are doing. You must also have total faith that the people guiding you will not allow anything evil to happen to you. This means that you must trust that those people have no hidden agenda or ulterior motives. In short these people won't lie to you or misrepresent who they are.

Shortly after leaving the church I encountered a group that called themselves "the Ontoligists." Their basic teaching was that you are totally responsible for EVERYTHING that happens in your life. At first this seemed totally contradictory to what I had been taught in church, until I realized that choosing to give god control of your life was in fact an act of self-determination.

Another one of their teaching was the each of us has a responsibility to clear the path for those who follow. Those who have discovered enlightenment have a responsibility to share it with others. Those with means have a responsibility to help those without.

I now recognize the speaking in tongues as a form of Transendental Meditation and that there is great power in accepting that you have control of what happens to you, or at least how you view what happens to you. The act of transcendence is the ultimate paradox in the expression of self-determinism or self-directed faith. To step outside of your own consciousness requires both a focused effort on your part and complete abandon of everything you know or believe. You can't get there by kidding yourself, you can't pretend to be there, you can't get there if you bullshit others.

I've been a gnostic for years. I now believe that ultimate revelation of truth is accomplished through introspection and that happiness, serenity, peace, or whatever your definition of fulfillment may be, is determined by what you believe and how you view it. Whatever you believe you are absolutely right, or as Gang of Four put it, "What we think changes how we act."

There is a scene in the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indie has been on the trail of the Holy Grail and has now come to the end of his quest. He has pass two of the three trials and his father lies bleeding to death from a gunshot wound. Water from the grail is the only thing that will save his father.

Indie stands on the edge of a shear cliff that is too wide to jump and has just moments to figure out the final clue that will give him access to the grail. The chasm looks bottomless, as his father cries out in pain for Indie to hurry.

Indie remembers a page in his father's grail diary with a drawing of a night holding the grail as he appears to walk on thin air. Indie holds the book to his heart and says to himself, "It's a leap of faith." He closes his eyes, places his hand on his heart, and takes a step off into thin air. As he leans forward it seems that Indie will fall to certain death, then amazingly his foot stops against something solid but invisible. The camera pans to reveal a stone bridge camoflauged to look like the walls of the chasm.

Indie's truth was revealed not by the picture in the book, but by his own leap of faith, his belief in himself that everything would be okay. Indie crosses the bridge retrieves the grail and saves his father. Ironic that Harrison Ford was just pretending, but the message is powerful. Your truth is the most powerful force in your life, you have to learn to trust it in order to use it for your own good, or the good of humanity. You can't get there if you are going to try to decieve others, or yourself.

So, when I say that integrity is the most important aspect of a person's personality to me, you may begin to understand just how deep that feeling runs. I consider it not just rude for people to waste my time with childish games, but also an attack on the fulfillment of humanity's ultimate enlightenment.

I know, what the hell am I doing hanging around a place like this? Frank Zappa had to wonder the same thing about producing the music he did in an era that was so totally incapable of understanding it. "You're probably wondering why I'm here? Well, so am I. So am I." I thik that was on the "Absolutely Free" album. I use to think that alluded to the price. Now I know better.

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