Cheating is Legal  

rm_B0SSIERBOY 57M
360 posts
7/18/2005 2:51 pm

Last Read:
3/20/2006 11:36 am

Cheating is Legal


Someone in another blog asked if it was cheating to take it to the next level with people you meet online. Well we use to say, "Eatin ain't cheatin." That was Bill Clinton's defense I think. I don't think it's about cheating, I think it's largely about control, and ownership.

I think this goes back to the idea of control or ownership of someone else's time, attention, emotions, desires, etc. If you are a free thinking and independent person you don't have any obligation to anyone else to disclose your actions or to account for your time, or choices, to anyone. I think this applies even if you are married.

You are the only person that has been with you since the moment you were born, and the only person that will be with you till the moment you die. You are the only one that has to account for you. If being with someone other than your significant other makes you happy then that's between you and them. No one else's business.

I know there are many people out there who will scream that this is a violation of trust. Maybe. I guess if you have explicitly promised to disclose all your actions to your partner, then you are obligated to do so. Whether or not you do is a matter for your own conscience.

You are not property and should not be treated as such. Your life is your own to spend however it pleases you. If you are experiencing guilt about something you have done you may wnat to talk with someone about it, bt IMHO you are under no obligation to discuss it with your partner. If they have a problem with that then you have a choice, disclose or lie.

TTFN
B0SSIERBOY

keithcancook 60M
17859 posts
7/18/2005 4:16 pm

I do not pretend to judge anyone, nor do I push my own sense of what is moral on others. My opinion here is that it is indeed a matter of trust. It does not always have to be explicitly stated between two people in a relationship. What is implied is also important.

It would be impossible for me to be happy in a relationship where trust was built on maybes.


pervilous4U 58F

7/18/2005 8:10 pm

This is well written and makes valid points of discussion. I , too, have the same belief that you are only accountable to yourself. However, if you made promises to be 100% faithful to your significant other, it changes. You are accountable for your words. so, be careful not to make promises which you will regret later on.


rm_B0SSIERBOY 57M
476 posts
7/18/2005 9:54 pm

keithcancook - Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your comments. I think you would probably represent the majority opinion on this. Most people do base their trust on implied commitments rather than specific communication.

IMHO - this is where people get into trouble with relationships. If you and your partner haven't specifically committed yourselves to uphold a particular code of conduct how can you be sure if you are? I know you've heard that to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME, I think this goes double when you are talking about intimate relationships.

I might think that having lunch with a girlfriend is totally innocennt, but if my partner thinks it is tantamount to adultry, we could be headed for some really big trouble. Especially if I really enjoy my lunches with girlfriends.

Everyone has to come to their own balance on this, I'm just suggesting that if you want to have a successful long term relationship that it is better to err on the side of over-disclosure. If you haven't specifically promised not to do something how can your partner blame you for doing something wrong. This cuts both ways and it is important to keep communication open if/when you encounter a situation that you haven't specifically discussed. i.e. we didn't specifically discuss blow jobs at lunch so is that okay or not?

Slippery911 - you siad it very well - "Take full responsibility for yourself and your actions and what that means in terms of your intimacy and trust with your significant other." Kudos

pervilous4U - I think you have to know what 100% faithful is before you commit to being it. I totally agree with your comment, "You are accountable for your words. so, be careful not to make promises which you will regret later on."

Thanks to everyone for stopping by, I look forward to our continuing conversation.

TTFN
B0SSIERBOY


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
7/19/2005 4:56 am

I have to agree with keithcancook... while I do not judge others for what they do or not do, I do believe that a lot lies within trust. Growing up... I would get in trouble with my Dad because I would say something to the effect that "Well, you only said that I couldn't do this, you never said anything about that." He shook his head and would say that I might make a fine lawyer someday, but someday riding the fine lines would get me into trouble. Likewise, I try not to ride the fine lines too much!!!


rm_B0SSIERBOY 57M
476 posts
7/19/2005 7:45 am

txrose4uNTX - I don't know about your dad but you have some fine lines I'd like to ride - I did not say that! It was my evil twin.

Honestly I don't think anyone should ride the fine lines, that's why I think it is important to be completely clear about what is and what is not acceptable behavior.

When I met my spouse to be one of the first things I said to her was, "I don't have a faithful bone in my body. So, if you're not okay with that, you need to look for someone else." She still comments on the fact that she knew exactly what she was getting into, and has no regrets.

Later I was in the middle of opening a business and I told her that I knew that I hadn't paid much attention to her physical needs during that time. I said, If you need to find someone to have sex with I totally understand, just don't mess up our good relationship by thinking you have to fall in love with them to do that."

I don't know if she did or not, I don't think it is really important. What is important is that we had a conversation about what was acceptable within the context of our relationship. I just don't think a lot of people have that conversation. They act according to an assumed set of guidelines that may or may not have anything to do with reality. IMHO - That's how people get into trouble with their relationships.

What are the perameters of your relationship?

TTFN
B0SSIERBOY


keithcancook 60M
17859 posts
7/19/2005 4:24 pm

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. You are of course correct that specifically stating boundaries (or lack therof) will keep confusion to a minimum.


rm_B0SSIERBOY 57M
476 posts
7/20/2005 10:11 pm

Keith, I tried to post you an email but the thing kept asking me to log in. Anyway, thanks for your comments. I appreciate your support.

I use to live in Cullowhee, Durham, and Carborro. I kind of miss the mountains.

Anyway, thanks again.

L8R
B0SSIERBOY


Become a member to create a blog