Reflection on 2005  

rm_Azryela 39F
59 posts
1/1/2006 5:15 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Reflection on 2005

Seems that many people are relfecting on their lives in the past year in their journals and blogs. And while I've done some interesting things, I have not made any of the strides in my life that I wanted to.

Although I have not gained any weight this year, I have not lost any either. That in itself is not completely bad. At least I have been able to maintain but for my health, I would like to have lost some as well.

Educationwise I have done nothing. I did really want to take Chemistry this coming term but unfortunately there was not an available class to fit with my work schedule.

At work I did meet my goal of becoming a TA2 but the 10 % raise that came with it was defeated but my switching to swing shift in November. I cannot deny that I am a happier person on swing shift. Family and friends have pointed this out to me. But it has made my financial situation very difficult. How do you decide which is more important. Your emotional health or your physical health.

I have a great group of close friends and have even tenatively welcomed back into my life friends from far in the past. I am still with-holding some part of myself in protection but I believe I have finally moved beyond the bitter feelings from the past.

As to love and sex and such matters, I am confused as to what I want. Most of the time, I am quite certain that I do not want a relationship and yet I feel guilty in feeling this way. But still, once in a great while, late at night, I just wish I had someone to hold me. I just don't know what I want and I have thoughts and feelings all the time that I'm too shy to discuss with even my closest friends. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I want something I "should" rather then something I really want. I thought after 5 years of celibacy that I had figured it out but I think I'm just as confused now as I was then. For a long time it didn't matter. I hid behind the numbness of my medication but the thoughts and feelings have returned in recent months and I find I don't want to hide anymore. But I don't know what to do.

Grillick 35M
34 posts
1/12/2006 10:39 am

It sounds like you and I have a lot in common. With regards to the weight thing, losing weight is definitely a good goal for people like us, but not gaining weight is also a very good thing. Once you start slipping down the slope of larger and larger, it's hard to stop. So keep at what you're doing, and just try to work in a little more exercise this year compared to last.

Hopefully, you'll find what it is you're looking for. Nobody, I think, really knows for absolute certain what they want out of life, and out of relationships, so don't let your uncertainty hold you back. You'll never find what you're looking for without, well, looking.

Good luck to you in the new year!

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