|Blogs > rm_AmishAmy > Bad Girl Gone Mennonite|
i'm sure that perhaps one day i'm gonna look back at this time in my life and come to the conclusion that i've made a huge deal out of something that didn't have to be...
but for now....it's feeling pretty fucked....
i'm just having some difficulty in understanding why i'm so stuck in all this....to me, going through some hard lessons are difficult but absolutely doable....it's the moving on that's the challenge....and to do that means that you've learned.....right now i'm the kid still in classroom trying to finish her test so she can move on.....but the answers aren't coming to my brain......and it's frustrating as hell.....
i chased him.....i don't chase....for the sake of making things ok i chased him....for the sake of doing the right thing....i chased him....but he didn't let me catch him this time....my mojo has absolutely no powers this time....
i didn't realize until the last couple of days how i allowed what i am to do my bidding....and despite how i appear to be on here...i can be charming and let that do the work for me....let that smooth over any bumps i may have caused.....it didn't work this time....he won't see me....talk to me......and the thing is...i'm not sure if i could come clean with him if he did agree to communicate with me.....i'm not sure if i could put that pursuasive sexuality on the back burner and just deal with the ugliness right on....honest like....true grit so to speak....
in the meantime....i'm drinking too much....not eating enough....and fighting the quiets of sleep....martyr syndrome more than likely.....and even though i know i was being honest in my response to him.....and you all tell me not to take on that guilt.....it is what it is....
so i'm waiting for this to pass....trying to untangle the webs on my way....hopefully not breaking the lines to the spiders that have been helping me through this with their kind words, thoughts....the fantasies to help me escape if not for a brief moment or two...
1/28/2006 11:59 am
You've already said it; "It is what it is.....", let it be. You can't feel guilty that "It isn't what he wanted it to be.....". I've been in the I messed up so I need to fix it even in my own head I know it's not going to work anyhow so I am going to cut myself off from the world and wollow around in it funk. (It's a run on I know.)|
Somethings work, most don't....it's just reality.
Now smile because the TSA didn't catch me in Cleveland when my flight was delayed.
1/28/2006 1:28 pm
then maybe another sigh or two.
Damn Amish.. If you would just think about the one person that deserves happiness. I have told you before. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Sometimes you have to tell the world what you think and how you feel and take care of number one. You cannot be miserable all your life because you are trying to protect the feelings of others.
I care about you and your well being.. I need you to care about you too.
I am not dead yet