Beside Myself.  

rm_Alex74_FL 43M
8 posts
2/26/2006 11:52 am

Last Read:
5/21/2006 6:17 pm

Beside Myself.

Well, I'm turning 32 in a couple of days and I must admit, I don't feel physically much older than before. God willing, I don't look much older or move like I'm much older either. Although my spirit has aged considerably.

There are some years you can feel that you have aged a decade and others that merely slip by as if time had stood still and only the calendar changed. Deep in the recesses of my soul it has been a long and eventful year, many learning experiences and many memories to be engraved indelibly for all eternity and others that I hope will be quickly forgotten.

For me September through November are my change months. This has historically been the time I make big changes and follow through with them. I don't know why, but I get introspective to the tenth degree and begin a systematic review of where I am, who I am, and the direction that I am going. This doesn't always work out in my favor, as the holiday season can be tumultuous times without the help of my yearly psychotic stage. Although generally these changes always lead to positive things and a general state of well being that is better than before I started, the process itself can be difficult and painful.

Birthday resolutions, like New Years resolutions seem to get the best of me, each year I present myself with options to better myself and each year I disappoint myself with my inequities. So I stopped making them all together, and rely exclusively on instinct and my natural timing for change.

By the time my birthday rolls around I can usually start to see the fruits of the labor of change from the preceeding months. This year is no different, except in the fact that the changes seem monumental, and some days overwhelming. I will spare you the details, but one of the changes this year has been the end of a 13 relationship. Well not technically the end, because there will always be a connection between us, but romantically and amorously it is done. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and has torn me in two. I can't help but remember a moment when the only thing coursing through my mind was a chorus from a song "...Should I stay or should I go, bam, bam, bum, bum, bam, bam, bum." It repeated itself like a mantra, the question remained at the forefront of my mind for days. It was then that I decided that if I wasn't 100% in the relationship, then I was already out. It had gone on for far too long already and despite our attempts to resolve and renew our relationship it was only getting worse.

It's awkward going to bed alone, and as much as I enjoy having a bed to myself, I decided to get a full size instead of queen, simply because there was too much bed around me unused, abit of wasted space, even on a full there is plenty of room for me to stretch out. I'm kind of on the short side, so I can do that. It's been several weeks now, and I have made the bed more comfortable to my own liking, before bed comfort was a compromise, now I can make it the way I like it. How odd, I almost feel selfish, when I know that isn't the right feeling to have.

My room looks empty with no furniture except a bed, bare and simple it lacks any trace of femininity that I have grown to appreciate and accustomed to over the years. Unenthusiastically brought together to merely meet my needs, it doesn't yet feel like home. My new place will take some time getting used to, but it shows great potential. Perhaps once this feeling begins to subside I will regain my senses and begin to once again be myself adding my own styling to what I call "home", but feels like a hotel. For now I feel like I'm living someone else's life. It's a terrible feeling, since I'm generally quite happy living my own life.

Most of my friends are either too close to the relationship for me to counsel with, or simply lack the depth to comprehend or appreciate, much less soothe such ramblings and unsettling feelings. I remember the days when friends would be friends and councel each other, we talked openly and gave great advice from an outside perspective, knowing that we had them in the best of interest. I miss those friends, things were easier to deal with when I had friends as therapy. They are always with me. Damn, I was such a great therapist too, I miss those days.

I'm looking forward to innaugurating my bed. I have placed a certain amount of importance on this fact, and I'm not sure why, but it is important to me. Perhaps to reiterate to myself that I am indeed on my own, or simply the fact of seeing another woman in my bed will wake me up to the reality of my situation. Either way, I don't really care, but I have this little feeling in the pit of my stomach about that moment, something akin to a child that awaits Santa on Christmas eve, not quite anxiety, not quite nerves, not quite restlessness. It's a nice feeling, something highly desired, but a little unknown also. A surprise!

Aching inside.

rm_New2FLCouple 40M/41F

4/16/2006 3:05 pm

I'm beginning to hear that song in my mind.. although quietly and slightly a distant murmur.. it's there.

I hope you've adjusted comfortably so far..and trust that you've found some intelligent and non-judgemental ears to bend.

Thanks for sharing

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