Life just...  

rm_Akadafa 48M
142 posts
10/29/2005 1:10 am

Last Read:
4/5/2006 12:15 pm

Life just...

Sometimes, life just...

In spite of the generally good family life that surrounds me -- the woman I love most in the world sharing my name; the wonderful two kids who are bright, sympathetic, and full-of-personality gems; the house and dogs and everything else -- there is something missing that I am coming to think more and more will never return.

After a few years of difficult times, during which my wife contracted and suffered from a handful of illnesses that plagued her life with frequent pain, stress, and depression, she finally began to recover. These days, she's regained much of her former capacity for the physical efforts of day-to-day life. Her conditions are not entirely gone, and she has throwback days where she can't do much, but with medications and attention she is able to do much that she once couldn't, able to participate more in life and her children.

However, one effect of her period of illness persists. For quite awhile, physical and sexual intimacy was too difficult for her. Sometimes, she (quite understandably) couldn't do much of anything sexual. Other times she could, but was limited, either in endurance or in what she could manage. This was all completely understandable; she was sick, and could hardly be expected to do everything, sexual or otherwise, that she had done before. She and her health and care was far more important than sex, and I believe that I made that very clear to her. Whatever she could do was much appreciated (we were a very sexual couple before), but whatever she felt she couldn't or shouldn't do was completely understood, and hopefully, someday, it was be better. But after awhile, she completely shut down any interest in sexual contact of any kind. She had become unable to handle the depression and feeling of brokenness of being unable to have certain forms of sex, so she shut out any willingness to do or even discuss any form of sex or intimacy or anything. Completely. Non-subject. Disturb at your own risk. And even as her health improved, as she recovered from much of her pain and difficulties, this absolute refusal to hear or discuss anything resembling sex fiercely persisted, and still does today. She has her limits, which are more than most, but rather than consider discussing exploring within them, she has remained completely shut off and unapproachable on that subject, or of any suggestion that any sort of therapy (for her or us) might be useful (as it simply reminds her of the subject), with no indication that this will change any time soon, or ever at all.

And I really do miss it.

I still hope that she will return to some sort of consideration, some willingness to stick her toes back in the water and slowly re-explore where her limits may lie today. I still often imagine and fantasize about waking up in the morning to an eager sexual feast of each other... about taking some of those opportunities when the kids are away to explore and enjoy each other... about filling her somewhat spontaneously on the couch or bent over the bathroom counter or the laundry dryer... of so many things and places more... but... I can imagine all I want...

So, increasingly often, my sexually over-charged mind wanders, and other faces and bodies fill those fantasy spaces next to me. An attractive neighbor, a good friend, a co-worker, women I see walking by, a fantasy woman from somewhere else. My wife is still the one I truly want, but the knowledge that she remains sexually unavailable and likely will indefintely is there, and the drive and need to feel that physical passion, that sexual release, that eager exchange of sweat and skin won't simply go away. Rather, it builds, ferments in the background, surging more and more into the foreground, shouldering my waking thoughts into sexual daydreams about others I see, the friends and neighbors and fantasy women. Eagerly, hungrily, pushing... to find... something...

Where this all will or should go I still don't know. All I know is that I'd better find some way to account for it before these preoccupations become a serious distraction in the workplace, or anywhere else.

So, as I said, sometimes, life just...

ForeverHorny 60F

11/1/2005 4:47 pm

you wrote to me on my blog so I am returning the favor . I feel ya and your frustration. I think it is amazing that you stay with a woman who woant have sex with you. What kind of life is that without sex? Letting go of what was is hard though and wanting what was that is not there is painful. I can understand that. There was a fuck buddy I had for 8 yrs. Incredible sex , the best I ever had but his attitude toward me sucked. No respect and no acknowlegement on holiday or birtdays for 8 yrs though I always got him presents. He wanted to make sure I knew it was just about sex. I said we were lovers I didnt ask more from him but he had intimacy issues and every time he would gt scared he would project that I was pushing him to be more and I was not. Eventually he started seein me less and less and I having the insatiable apetitie I do started swinging to get my needs met. He contacts me writes me emails some derotic ones calls me and we have phone sex but no real sex anymore. He cant hadnle my being with others . He uses the fear of geting a disease as the excuse but I thin he is jealous. Anyway I sitll miss him and the way he would make love to me which was hard and rough and wild and passionate. I have surrendered it won't happen with us again but I cant help still longing and fantasizing about it. However I have moved on and I recommend you do too. Perhaps if you moved out and left her she would be motivated to get the help she needs to save your marriage. Otherwise if you do nothing she will stay the same. You are enabling her illness. You seem like a nice enough guy why be a martyr and continue to suffer and just fantasize? I only play with married men that play with their wives or wives permission. I dont like cheating . I feel sorry for you but you need to take domininion over yor life and your needs and realize you matter. You cna be friends with your ife but it doesnt mean you need to stay married to her if she is no longer fulfilling her wiely function.If she is on antidepressant medication perhpas the doctor can but her on one with low risk of lsexual side effects or prescribe a womans viagra. I had adoctro try to give me something to lower my sex drive but it didnt work that way with me. I have the opposite problem from your wife I want it all the time. LOL

sweetalyssum 47F

11/6/2005 8:58 pm

I read. Some posts just inspire a moment to think and to hope for you.

Hoping for you...

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