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stun gun funny
stun gun funny
someone sent me this thought it was ral funny since I tried my stun gun out on myself too when I got it [got to know it works right]
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
&blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do
it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
2/24/2006 5:47 pm
I have your testicles and if want to see them in one piece again, meet me at the #2 loading dock at midnight. Tell no one and bring Twinkies.|
2/24/2006 5:56 pm
if I find out who it was I'll tell him, but you must really like twinkies because I would think he'd give more then that for them.|
go for the bucks saint!
2/24/2006 6:40 pm
I had the same unfortunate idea a few years ago when stun guns first gained some notoriety. Granted, back then they were much less powerful. So, sitting around with a few friends we thought it might be a good idea for someone to try it. After much debate I volunteered. Somehow I decided if I was to try it, it might as well be a decent shot. There was quite a bit anxeity involved as I slowly raised the devil machine to my neck. Needless to say, I experienced a rather large amount of pain, while my friends had a good laugh at my expense. Luckily for me, the stun gun was purchased at a glorified hardware store and was very cheap.|
2/24/2006 7:28 pm
Holy Taser Burn 69, I think she means business. Better take lots of Twinkies...............|
I laughed my ass off over your story.69 Keep up the good work....
D in Okemos
2/24/2006 10:36 pm
Fuck the money, I want cream filling.|
2/24/2006 11:29 pm
I tryed it , my son tryed it, I think my daughter tryed it . the best way to see if your getting spark to a spark plug is hold the wire.|
that country song cause chicks dig it [something like that] my daughter says it reminds her of me [she needs to remember the apple didn't fall far from the tree]
I've tryed tear gas [thanks to the army] I've been shot , walked calmly into a hospital and told the nurse I've been shot I think it needs looked at , her and the cop there just sat there. had to show them the hole to get them to beleave me and do something. I was so calm they thought it was a joke I guess. I told them if it would help them I could jump up and down, scream or what ever but didn't see the point in it.
That story someone sent me was not about me , but I know I would have to test it too.
I may be crazy but not stupid and it helps keep me from going insane and keeps my enemies at a distance.
2/26/2006 8:16 pm
If I could get my hands on one of those, I think I'd be stupid enough to try exactly what that guy did.
2/27/2006 4:59 am
I wonder what low volts to a clit area would do, but after saying it whos going to let me get close enough to find out|
3/4/2006 11:13 pm
I haven't laughed like this in years....too funny! I would give anyting if I could watch you do it again...how about if I give you your balls back! I found them hanging off the Coleman Bridge in Gloucester, Va. Are you far from here?? Still laughing!!!!!!|
3/7/2006 2:59 pm
I'm in Indiana but you never know what I might be talked into. I was born in Norfolk , Va|
3/19/2006 9:22 pm
I just signed up on this site tonight, decided to check out the blog area and came across your post.|
I haven't laughed this hard in God knows how long!!!!!
Oops...wait...I'm glad you're ok...now I'm going to go back to laughing my ass off.
You have a definite flair for writing and I can't wait to explore more of your journal.
Oh...and have you found your testicles yet?