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The perfect Thanksgiving...
The perfect Thanksgiving...
Thanksgiving is coming, ready or not, and it's coming to my house this year. Yep, it's my turn to cook the turkey, stuff it and make sure it's yummy for everyone. This would usually not bother me, but I was told this year that thanksgiving will be at my house, not asked to host my family but told that they would be there. I think that it's because it's my first year being single and my family is excited for me and wants to keep my mind off of things at the same time, but come on!! I just wrecked my freaking car, had to pay for those repairs, had to buy my kid new glasses, slowed it down with the "boyfriend" and I'm just not feeling very freaking festive.
I'm just gonna keep my chin up and do the right thing and make the traditional dinner complete with all the trimmings. Afterall, I'm suppose to be the strong one. My parents tell me so often how proud they are of me and my accomplishments. Pffftttt, that's what I say about my accomplishments. Hill of beans. If I am an accomplished professional with a great career and make pretty good money none of that matters when my heart is incapable of loving or of being loved.
I'm gonna spike the punch, get drunk off of my ass and have a great time. The food is gonna be wonderful, afterall, that's my specialty. The company is going to be second to none, my family is great. But on Thursday afternoon when my family leaves, and the kids go with their dad for "his turn" and I'm all alone in my big ole house, and all is quiet and I have time to reflect...That's when it will be hard. So, think of me in the afternoon, when the dishes are done and the house is quiet. I'll be alone, contemplating the 2 hour drive to be with the one that I am yearning to be with but can't open up enough to let it happen.
I talked to him today by the way...Mr.X.
He acts like I never told him that I need to back off. Like it doesn't matter what I say, like it's all going to be ok. I wish I could believe that. I want it to be ok. But I'm soooo scared. I know, back to that old crap...I'll stop, but that's what is on my mind every minute of every day it seems. What is going to happen with Mr.X? I wish that someone brave and strong could just take over my body for a day or two, someone who could just tell him that I'm in love with him and I'm scared because I don't know what's going to happen to him or me and I don't want to risk the heartbreak.
Heartbreak...that's it, the thing that I'm scared of. I've never had my heart broken because I've never let myself be totally and completely in love with anyone before. Not my husband, not an old boyfriend, noone. I keep this guard up all the time. Self preservation is what it is. I have this awful need for self preservation. Maybe I need to have my heart broken just to know what it feels like. Maybe I will be that strong, brave person and tell him how I feel. Maybe. But probably not. Instead I lock myself into this horrible feeling of what if and what could have been. I wonder what will happen but am not brave enough to let it happen.
I guess in reality I am a coward. Too scared to live my life, too scared to let anyone love me for fear that they will have an effect on my carefully planed out life.
Screw it all...I'm going to tell him. I don't know how to tell him but I'm going to tell him. What if he's "the one"? The one I'm suppose to be with. The one person that will make me happy. The one person I can make happy. I can't miss out on this opportunity, he'll be gone before I know it if I don't say something. But I'm terrified of his response. What if he doesn't feel the same. I don't want to get married or anything, just only be with him. I don't want to see anyone else, don't want to have anyone wrap their arms around me. Don't want anyone else to cheer me up when I'm down. I just want him to talk with and laugh with and spend long sleepless nights with.
Watching the moon out of his bedroom window, lying there, with him on one side of me and his dog on the other side...That would be the perfect end to my Thanksgiving day. We'll see how it works out.
11/21/2005 6:54 am
Very nice and open post SpecialK. I just saw your blog, and read this, and thought I'd add my 2 cents. Life is full of chances, take yours. It sounds like you have feelings for your Mr.X. If you think they are mutual, go for it. If it doesn't work out, it was an experience. If it does, then you'll be watching the moon. Good luck |