Taking out the trash...  

rm_36specialk 48F
731 posts
12/28/2005 6:14 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Taking out the trash...

I woke up at 5:00 am this morning for no reason at all, just woke up. I went into the kitchen, started the coffee, let the dog out, I think he was a little pissed that I woke him up so early. Anyway, after having my coffee and morning news, I started straightening up around the kitchen. My kids are both at their dad's this week, so I haven't had much to clean. My desk in the kitchen was in such need of cleaning, it had old bills piled up, phone wires running amuck across it, dusty photo's that my daughter had laid out for me to look at. It was a mess. So, I started throwing things out and the deeper I got into this mess the more I started finding remnants of my past, old phone bills with his name on them, letters and cards from his relatives. Phone numbers on scraps of paper that he'd written down, things that I should have thrown out long ago, but for whatever reason I've overlooked until now. So, this morning was sort of a new beginning for me I think...Out with the old, in with the new if you wish. I threw out everything that I could find that had any trace of him on it, receipts from where he'd bought pants, the warranty for the stove that he insisted I save, because I may need it ( I don't need it ). I found a few things in the process, a cute plaque that a friend gave me years ago that has a verse about friendship on it, an oil lamp that my brother gave me.

Then, as I'm looking around my kitchen, searching for something, anything that may remind me of my 15 wasted years, thinking that I'd done well, that everything was gone, I saw it, the one thing that I had overlooked, yet looked at everyday for the past 15 years. The clock. It was hanging on the kitchen wall, just as it always had, nothing special, not fancy or anything of value, just a little heartshaped clock with a house on it that my aunt gave us as a wedding gift. Hmmmm...My aunt gave me this, but not one of my aunts that had passed away over the past few years. Should I toss it, or should I keep it? I tossed it, threw it face down into the trash can, the last item that would fit into it, tied the bag up and couldn't wait to get it out of my house!

So, I took the trash out today, and along with it the years of heartbreak and pain that goes with it. I don't want to relive any of the past, just want to let it go, swiftly into the dumpster where it belongs. There's nothing good in the trash, all the good things are still in the house.

I kept pictures for my kids, just so they would have them when they grow up, I don't want them, but I don't want my kids to not have them. But the pictures are the only thing that remains, and I'm feeling pretty good about that now. I can go home this afternoon, into a house that no longer holds any memories of my past, but instead holds hope for my future, whatever that may be.


missinaman 54F

12/29/2005 10:47 pm

Oh this touched my heart. Dare I be the devil's advocate after years of feeling alot like you. 4 long years of custoday battles, fianical swindling, and the neverending cash outlay. He had more and was not in a hurry, raised in the art of mind games and perfected the Big Lie theroy. All for what.??? So he can say he won??? Was the better parent, better person. I wonder..... I may not have a pot to piss in, but at least I have myself and.... to thy self be true. He can't throw me away in the trash unless I let him, and fianlly in the end I can proudly raise my head and know that I will survieve and noone can throw me away, unless I let them and I fianlly finally know...I don't belong in the GARBAGE. I am a great MOm, Lover and friend. I am lucky to be alive and mostly I am grateful that I don't want to throw him in the garbage anymore.


Become a member to create a blog