Emotionally Naked...  

rm_36specialk 48F
731 posts
12/27/2005 2:42 pm

Last Read:
3/24/2006 7:56 am

Emotionally Naked...

Have you ever felt like you've been stripped emotionally and standing there, naked for someone to see and scrutanize? Well, grab your drinks and sit back little children and SpecialK is gonna tell you a story of emotions gone amuck.

It all started at 1:00 am on Christmas morning. My phone rang, I of course was asleep, visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. So, fuzzy headed and sleepy I answered, because I knew who it was. It was him, Mr.X, calling me because he was bored or just wanted to talk or whatever reason, it really didn't matter to me, I love to talk to him what ever time it is. Anyway, after waking up a little, he started to ask me questions, like, how old I was when I lost my virginity. I answered honestly, "18". Then he wanted to know how many men I'd had sex with...my answer "8", 5 before my marriage and 3 after. He wanted to know how I'd met the other 2 men that I'd had sex with since my divorce, and I didn't want to tell him, but when I told him that I met them online he said " what, are you on that Friend Finder site or something?" Hmmm...in my head I'm thinking, how does he know about AdultFriendFinder? Does he frequent the site? Has he been searching for lust in his little corner of the world? When my laughing subsided, I answered, by asking him how he knew about AdultFriendFinder? Then I told him, yes, that I'm on this site.

Dohhhh!!! I felt a little Homer Simpsonish. Did I actually just tell him that? Did I tell the man I love that I'm on a sex site? Oh my Gosh!! The crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes, can you believe I told him that? It took me months to tell him I love him, and 2 seconds to tell him I'm on a sex site. What the hell is wrong with me? After laughing about it, he decided that he wanted to check out my profile, which for any of you that have read it, you know why I don't care if he see's my profile. But when he said that the system wouldn't let him see my profile because he wasn't a member, I told him, of all things, well, you can still check out my blog. It took about a half a second for my heart to start pounding, and sweat to start pouring off my brow, at the thought of what I'd just done. I just handed over my diary that holds my deepest feelings in it over to the man that I've been hiding from.

So, now I'm thinking, maybe he won't find my blog, maybe the system will crash, maybe his computer will freeze up, maybe the ground will open up and swallow me whole, maybe I'll explode from the intense feeling of anxiety I'm feeling. I ask him, "did you find it?" his answer, "yep". Geesh, what am I going to do now? He's undoubtedly going to read everything, all of these secrets that I've only shared with people that I've never met face to face. I've never shared these things with my friends, never talked about these feelings with my parents, never spoken these words outloud before. And now, he's going to know everything. He's going to know how much I love him, how much I've agonized over every step of every day that I've spent with or without him. He's going to know about other relationships I've had, about stupid things I've done, and most of all, he's going to have the ability to break my heart.

Remember, I'm the girl that can't love or be loved. I'm disfunctional, I live my life so cautiously, love isn't something I take litely, or rush into. I don't want to have my heart broken, never have had it broken. I don't let people in. I keep everyone at arms distance for fear that they will hurt me if I let them in.

So, here I sat, on my floor next to my bed, my chest pounding, hating every minute of it. Knowing that he's reading about things that no one else knows. Things that I only share with my cyber friends, because they can't hurt me.

He's reading about me.

So, as I sit in silence on the floor, listening to him, giggling at times, at other times asking me questions about something he'd just read, I'm just a bundle of emotions, I feel as if all of my defences have been knocked down and I'm at the mercy of his opinion of me. What is he going to say, what's he going to do, what am I going to do? So, 3 hours later, he's done, read everything, stripped me emotionally naked. What? Just say it!! What?

These are the things that he asks of me after reading all of this stuff...

1: Please take your picture off of this site.
To this I answer OK.

2: Don't manipulate your writing because you think I'm reading it.
Hmmmm...I can try, I think I can do this. After all, I've always known in the back of my mind I guess that he could have found it on his own. Instead, I drew him a roadmap directly to my inner most thoughts. Once again...Dohhhh!!

So, this is all that he said, all he asked of me.

Is that it? Is that all he's going to say? No playing 100 questions? No opinion of my view of this relationship? Can it really be over with that easily? There are little white lies in my stories...little things I've changed here and there, things that I'm not ashamed of, but have changed for reasons all my own. He knew they weren't true when he read them, things like how we met, and he didn't ask me why I changed them. He asked me questions about things he was curious about, or didn't know before. But he didn't say anything that made me fall apart.

So, this is going to be my only post that mentions Mr.X reading my blog. I chose to believe without a doubt that he won't return here, that he won't read anything else that I write. I won't manipulate it if I don't believe that he's reading it. I'll still be the same old scared little girl hiding behind the mean ass exterior.

PEMF2005 59M
8 posts
12/27/2005 3:18 pm

DAMN.....that was awsome.

WhiffAminoNames 52M
145 posts
12/27/2005 4:48 pm

So far, so good.
The signs are all "go" for you. Congratulations!

vuderhose 45M

12/27/2005 4:58 pm

You're a phony girl who feeds off of drama. He'd be wise to elsewhere. Oh...I bet he does. Wrap your head around that. Doh!

DTduzDallas 50F

12/27/2005 5:46 pm

Who is vuderwhatever? Just curious.

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