Breaking my heart...again...  

rm_36specialk 48F
731 posts
1/10/2006 2:29 pm

Last Read:
3/24/2006 7:51 am

Breaking my heart...again...

This has been the craziest 24 hours...

After work yesterday, I went home, cooked dinner and sat down with my children to enjoy what I thought was going to be a nice evening together. However, my son decided that it was going to be anything but nice. He's 14, and going through such a rough time, feels like noone understands him, and he's been acting out a bit lately. He's generally a great kid. Never given me a bit of trouble before this last year. I know it's hard to be 14, transforming from a little boy to a man, but I guess the added pressure of his parents going through a divorce has just pushed him into something that he's not quite able to deal with on his own.

Anyway, last night at dinner, my daughter (11) said something that my son didn't like, so he emptied the pepper shaker onto her dinner. She looked at me in disbelief, couldn't believe he'd done it, and neither could I. So, I didn't yell, I just stood up, picked up his dinner plate and told him that if she couldn't eat her dinner that he wasn't going to eat either. I told him that he was finished and to go to his room and think about what he'd done. Well, he didn't like his consequences so when he stood up, he picked up the dinner table and turned it over onto my beige carpet. CRASH!!!!! All of the food, tea, my Christmas gift from a dear friend broken and covering the floor. I was enraged! Couldn't believe my sweet boy was acting like this. I told him to get out of the house before I lost total control. He walked out the front door, turned around and laughed at me and told me "this is what happens when you piss off the wrong people mom!". I cleaned up the mess, comforted my daughter, then I told my son to pack his things, he's going to live with his dad for a while. I can't control this kind of temper. I can't be worried that he'll hurt his sister. It broke my heart. Ripped it from my chest and threw it on the floor, down there with the stains in the carpet. He wasn't very happy about transfering schools, but he's happy about living with his dad.

I know, we all know how I feel about the ex-psycho, and I can't imagine he's going to be the best role model for my son. However, my son is much bigger than me and my daughter and if this is the behavioral pattern that he's picking up, then I have to think of her safety first. This isn't the first outburst he's had. I've delt with other things, he's lived with his dad for a couple of weeks before when he beat his bedroom door off of the hinges just because I told him that it was time to go to bed and he didn't want to go. He's in need of counseling and I signed him up for anger management with a counselor today, so I hope he'll find that he can talk to her and sort through some of these feelings he's unable to deal with.

We talked today and he appologized to me, he knows that what he did was wrong. He's such a good kid, all of this breaks my heart. I hope he can work through all of this. I talk to him and try to get him to open up to me, but he just says that he wants to live with his dad. So, good or bad, I don't know, but I've got to let him go. He's only 20 minutes away, and I can go get him if anything happens. So, when I left him today, we were OK. Then he called me this afternoon, and told me "Dad didn't pay the electric bill so we don't have any electricity." I wanted so badly to go pick him up, but I knew I couldn't. I have to let him see what life with his dad is going to be like. He's got water, and I gave him a cell phone, so he can call me anytime if there's an emergency. But I think it's best to let him see that there are consequences to everything you do, good or bad, and the consequences for turning over mom's dinner table and scaring his sister are living without electricity with dad.

Sometimes I think that I'm such a bad parent and that I should just deal with the problem, beat his ass, whatever. But, imagine it, me with a belt and him laughing at me. A belt only works up until a point. Comeon guys, think about it, there was a point when your mom came at you with a belt and you just laughed at her. I've got 4 brothers so I know it's true. And what happened? Mom said, "you're gonna laugh at me? let's see if you laugh at your dad." Did you laugh at dad? Nope.

It'll all work out. He's a good kid, he just needs to work out all of the stress that he's feeling right now and he'll be alright. He's got a good head on his shoulders, he got his brain from me, and his brawn from his dad. I think he'll start using his brain really soon.


KinkyMTgirl 39F
66 posts
1/10/2006 2:50 pm

You're not a bad parent. You could have caved and went and got him, then he would know he could get whatever he wants when things don't go his way. My brother was like that and still is. He's a month away from turning 25 and has been in and out of trouble for so long. He knows my mom and dad will bail him out. He has a temper and has always had one. When we were younger if he didn't get his way, he didn't hesitate to use his fists to get it. I had bruises all the time.

I think you've done the right thing. I commend you for acting so calmly...I would have been yelling and screaming....Hope things get better for you and your family.


chothunder 70M
10 posts
1/10/2006 3:23 pm

This is new to me, the blog thing. I whish to share some of my experiences with you. First, I would like to commend you on how you handled the situation. I'm married with five sons, three of them step-sons as some call them. Two are biological, but step-sons to my current wife. I went through this with my youngest step-son at the same age as yours. I did the same as you and sent him to his biological father with the stipulation he had to stay one year. This is from florida to california, not near like you. My wife weakened after one month and wanted him to come back after one month. He also wanted to come back. I stuck to my guns and would not relent. His fathers wife contacted me after two months and begged me to take him back. I refused. Believe me rocky times in my house. After one year I let him return, got him involved in many activities, karate, track, art, allowed him to do fix it projects and such. He never became perfect, none are, but his attitude changed and he was more pleasant to be around. I do not believe in corpal punishment and never had to use any on none of my boys. I'm retired military, 26 years, han have a masters degree in counseling and psychology, I have worked for the department of children and families and now work as a behavior specialist in a state prison. In my group session many of the stories I hear from the inmates end with them saying they wish that their parents had not given in so easily when they were young and rebelious. Many believe that they would not be in the situation they're in now if their parents had been a little more firm. Parents run household not children. Some times it hurts to do what is needed, but the long term effect is worth the pain. Be strong, things will work out. Sorry for being so long winded.


kats60 56F

1/10/2006 3:37 pm

theres plenty of other ways to punish a 14 yeear old boy, taking away xboxes and stuff like that, driving him to school instead of riding the bus, make him earn money to fix or buy what he broke!! or he"ll be in his 40s breaking his wifes stuff, i know i was married to one!!!


DTduzDallas 50F

1/11/2006 4:40 am

I think you're teaching him a wonderful lesson. And NO...you're not a bad parent.


SweetDarlinAngel 39F
2996 posts
1/11/2006 8:47 am

36~

BRAVO! It is so hard. I cried reading this. My son is 8 years old and I am currently trying to figure out how to handle him. He lies, steals, and torments his younger siblings. I know that all of this sounds terrible, but it has all come about over the last year and a half. Prior to that he was a great kid. Always listened, top of his class, did chores, sweetest kid you could meet. The change was slow and frightening. Teachers, family all blamed it on my divorce. How can you punish a child for trying to cope with that? It is so hard. I envy your strength. I don't have a biological father to send him to, he is no where to be found, I divorced his step father. Counseling isn't working, now I am considering sending him away to a school for children with behavior problems. He'll be gone for 2 years and have to earn the right to even talk to us. Seeing this post of yours makes me feel like this is probably the right decision. It is so hard to push them away when they can't seem to follow the rules or maintain the safety of thier siblings. But I can see that it is for the best interest of my family and the 3 toddlers I still have at home. Thank you for posting this.

~SDA

~Angel


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