|Blogs > rm_1spiderskiss > A Tangled Web|
I'm gonna be bad...
I'm gonna be bad...
I’m going to be bad and that’s bad but I don’t wanna be not bad so badly that I won’t be bad.
It’s going down this week, guaranteed ‒ It’s an inevitability, a sexual juggernaut, a hormonal prophecy and it all started with a simple cocktail (don’t they all).
J’s got the most amazing slate grey-blue eyes that sparkle when she flashes her mischievous smile. There’s trouble there, the kind you like. I was in the throws of martial breakup and renting the first shitty room I could find to get me out of that house. In counseling, I was wiling to commit to staying faithful, to not see other people but the ex would not. Stuck in sexual limbo, I wasn’t looking to hook up and maybe that’s what made it happen. I met a group of coworkers for post slavery drinks and found myself in a tight nit group that I didn’t’ know well but worked with on occasion. They’re the blue-collar contingent of the company with names like Don and Steve, drive Fords and drink Budweiser and Jack.
Looking back, there were signs I should have picked up on: the energetic hellos, the too long glances, the hand down my pants (wait, what?! not really, jus seeing if you’re still paying attention). The gang moved on leaving J and I alone. It could have gone either way at that point so I said, “I’m going to stay for another. Can I get you anything?” “White wine.” She said. We chatted a bit but this was just foreplay, just the dance you need to dance until the moment all conversation stops, there’s nothing left to be said and two sets of eyes hold each other for what, a few seconds, a minute, an eternity. All that mattered is that we both “knew.”
Finally, I said, “I bet you want to kiss me?” She said, “ I’m not kissing you in this bar.” I grabbed her hand and walked her out and around the corner where we made out on a rain soaked night in the heart of Hollywood. There’s more to that story but I’ll leave the erotica to her ------> MaggiesWishes
Shortly after, J got a gig in NY and we haven’t spoken since. Then yesterday I got a call that she’s back into town. This week we’re seeing each other. Here’s the dilemma: She’s not my type: physically, mentally, spiritually she’s all wrong for me and I know this. We’ve had the talk about no expectations about being cool with what ever happens but we had the safety net of my unavailability status. Now there’s nothing holding us back and, I suspect she going to want more. It’s just a vibe but I’m learning to trust my instincts and this one says proceed with caution.
So I’m only in this for the sex and I know I’m going to feel guilty about that. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to know what she talked about to her shrink, or what color she’s thinking about painting her bathroom. Yet, I’d like to do this right, to respect her and still enjoy the physical bond we obviously share. Somewhere, somebody’s thinking “It’s easy, just be honest and tell her want you want ‒ before!” Of course you are right but the irony is that I did that in my last relationship and ended up marrying her. But she was smarter than I was, and funnier, and had her shit together. There’s no danger of that with J and that, I just realized, is where the bad turns to good.
Be safe kids, and thanks for letting me rant.
8/6/2006 12:35 pm
Bad is relative--sort of on a sliding scale. A lot depends on where you started and how far you've come, but mostly what you feel about how you got there. Some things are clearly wrong--murder, robbery, you get the gist. Others maybe wrong for the most part, but under certain circumstances are permissable.
That's where I see the whole FWB category. I have three friends I've known for nearly two years that I would put in that group: G,S and C. We don't see each other too much anymore because I've been involved with D off and on for the past year. But I still talk to these guys, on the phone, or in IM.
G is married and intends to remain so. I was just a diversion for him. C and I agree we are all wrong for each other, but we have a great time between the sheets. And S is just plain convenient. The last time I was with one of them, all I could think about was D, so I doubt I'll see them again.
The point I am trying to make is that maybe you're not going to be bad. Maybe you're just going to be human. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy your time together.
Just my 2 cents worth.
Remember the past but do not dwell there.
Face the future where all our hopes stand.
8/7/2006 10:05 pm
Oooooh yes, that is bad. You've gotta ask yourself: is it really respectful of her when you get the vibe that once you do the deed, she's going to want more. We've got to learn to listen to our guts before we hurt people. Just my 2 cents - from one who has been in J's shoes.|