new jokes  

rip1374 55M
150 posts
2/9/2006 7:27 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

new jokes


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
>>morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
>>said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left
>>ear?"
>>
>>Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
>>
>>She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad
>>you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing
>>aid."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice
>>in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were
>>the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and
>>complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
>>not gonorrhea."
>>
>>Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know
>>he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity
>>to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always
>>was."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
>>were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a
>>wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for
>>days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to
>>shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
>>found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
>>fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found
>>your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the
>>deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
>>worth $50,000 .. . please advise."
>>
>>The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
>>away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the
>>casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
>>casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
>>the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
>>dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the
>>pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
>>casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
>>bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
>>She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
>>me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
>>fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
>>
>>I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
>>
>>She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
>>brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
>>
>>I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
>>
>>She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
>>favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
>>
>>I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
>>
>>She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
>>years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
>>Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
>>week to play cards.
>>
>>One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
>>said, "Now don't get mad at me..I know we've been friends for a
>>long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
>>thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name
>>is."
>>
>>Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
>>stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need
>>to know?"
>>
>> THE SENILITY PRAYER
>>
>> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
>> the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
>> and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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