Woody Allen funny quotes  

redmustang91 57M  
8701 posts
7/18/2006 4:37 pm

Last Read:
7/20/2006 10:10 am

Woody Allen funny quotes

Woody Allen is one of my favorite funny writers. Consider these funny quotes:

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

My brain - it's my second favorite organ.

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

I have never been an intellectual but I have this look.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.

I am at two with nature.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him 'be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Death is an acquired trait.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more .

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

It is impossible to travel faster than light and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off...

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between 5, it's fantastic.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

rm_skyeone2 64M/45F
7186 posts
7/20/2006 8:16 am

Ah Redmustang, I have to appologise, since my last visit, you have added 119 posts. It may take me a long time to catch up, this is the unfortunate side effect of going on holidays!

As for this particular post, thank you very much for the laugh, it's a great thing first thing in the morning!


Blessed Be

redmustang91 57M  
8559 posts
7/20/2006 10:10 am

Welcome Sky! Enjoy as laughing is the most fun you can have, without removing clothing...

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