A question for everyone  

realcurvywoman 35F
259 posts
10/8/2005 3:30 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A question for everyone

This is something I've kind of been pondering for the last few months and just wanted perspective from the guys and the girls. In your opinion does having feelings for someone automatically mean you want to have a committed relationship with them? It seems to me that guys think this the most when a girl says she has feelings for them. But for me, I can have strong feelings for a guy but it certainly doesn't mean I want them to be my boyfriend, I just kinda need that connection there to have the really, really good sex that's always nice to have

So I'd really like to hear what both sides say to this....do feelings equal committement to you?

Guardian1957 59M

10/8/2005 4:49 pm

I would say that depends on the feelings. You can be in lust and just want to get your jollies then it is over and done with and you just want him/her/it/they to get the hell out.

For it to be love, it has to be a two way street, with reciprocal feeling. If the feelings are one-sided, then it is just infatuation, although, if you are the one that is infatuated, you will probably think it is true love.

Personally, I think there needs to be some connection, other than just raging hormones, to make sex great. Without feelings toward your partner, you may as well just masterbate.

swob22 67M

10/8/2005 5:22 pm

Not at all. There I women I truly love that I wouldn't consider having sex with and there are great sexual partners with whom I have little else in common. Commitment comes from the heart and not the genitals. Besides good feelings about the person, you also need that something special that makes you want to be with them and share everything with them.

SensuousStars 51F
20 posts
10/8/2005 5:23 pm

A committement! Would that mean that person is exclusive?? I know that if I have feelings for someone, I do not expect him to only see me, especially being on this site. What I would like is for him to be in touch with me just a bit more to keep my interest. If he doesn't, my interest will start to decrease inside of a week. I rarely tell a man how I really feel, because he just may not feel the same way. Do feelings equal a committement? I say, no unless it is agreed upon by both parties involved.

slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
10/8/2005 5:31 pm

No..it doesn't. Nor does it mean that eventually you will expect it to go there. Only, if both of you at some point realize that you want to take it to another level. Then, strong feelings do matter. Until the "rules" of engagement change...then don't worry about whether or not either of you have strong feelings. If you have strong feelings, keep it to yourself, have fun, have great sex, be great freinds. If you find yourself wanting more and the other party doesn't...then you have to make a decision for yourself whether to continue playing. Your the only one who can know whether continuing with strong feelings that are not shared by the other is worth or worthy of remaining friends w/benefit. If you can't then the best thing to do is let it go. Often times, letting go will have a reverse affect...once enough time apart has passed where the other one will have time to reflect and may want to re-connect with the intention of going the next step and allowing strong feelings to grow. In general...no, just because you have them does not mean you want more. It is what it is. Hope this helps.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

1 post
10/8/2005 5:35 pm

There are so many variables. My experience would tell me that you are unusual in your view as a girl. Girls tend to expect more of a commitment right from the beginning. And they deserve it in most cases. The whole dating/sex scene has changed in recent years which has therefore changed the outlook of both gals and guys. It gives any person good feelings to have commitment from another -- even if it is simply friendship. Maybe sex has become too much of a playground activity.

realcurvywoman 35F

10/8/2005 5:47 pm

I agree fully with you Sensuous, my pet peeve as of late is the guys who claim they're interested, claim they have feelings but then don't keep in touch. I don't like to express my feelings either unless I'm asked point blank by the guy or he expresses his feelings first. I wouldn't expect anyone I meet on here to stay exclusive either unless we both at some point agree to be.

But for now I am a committement phobe, so me having feelings for someone I meet here does not mean being exclusive, just that I'd like to "hang out" more often. Love the responses everyone, who else has an opinion?

bigfurrybear 41M

10/8/2005 5:54 pm

Feelings in no way mean commitment.

I have known many women and have had very strong feelings for most of them. That is just how I am. I really like to get to know people and be there for them if they need it for more than just sex. Even now I am best friends with somebody I met on here and have very strong feelings for her. I think she would say the same. That doesn't change the fact that our relationship will never change from what it is. We also both know and have our reasons for that.

wizard10k 59M

10/8/2005 6:15 pm

In my mind strong feelings may exist but 'love' is a choice, not an emotion. For me feelings indicate an investment but not necessarily a commitment

I think that responsible communication would be considerably more than 'I have feelings for you' - that leaves a whole lot to the imagination and if I didn't feel the same way about the girl it'd scare the fsck out of me if she said something like that.

I'm a bit older than you (well, twice your age to be exact) but still haven't got this relationships thing completely figured out. I still need that emotional 'click' to have good sex so I think I understand what you're trying to say - but perhaps what you're saying leaves a little too much open to interpretation?

I think it's essential in relationships (hell, in life in general) that communication be as clear as possible. I think the best strategy is to say *exactly* what you mean and leave as little as possible open to interpretation

1586 posts
10/8/2005 6:40 pm

I need to feel some sort of connection to someone if I'm going to be intimate with him. I've had a couple of one night stands and they just don't work for me.

What really bugs me is the reaction of some of the men when I say that I'd prefer a regular sort of arrangement. OMG! She's trying to steal my sweet freedom! LOL

I feel it's extremely conceited of them to assume that I'm going to want more from them than they want from me.

Just because I have "feelings" it doesn't neccessarily mean I want the guy to be my boyfriend. I just want some a relationship with accountability and respect. You can't have either of those things unless you've gotten to know someone on a deeper level.

I realize this probably doesn't make sense and I'm not articulating it properly. It makes sense in my head but it's hard to explain. LOL

Gah! Relationships! So confusing...

(Great question, btw.)

realcurvywoman 35F

10/8/2005 8:04 pm

You know, sometimes when I'm going through a rough time I kind of wish I had a boyfriend or someone there for me. Thank god those moments are few and far between. I realize most women don't have the same view as me when it comes to relationships but I've been burned too many times in the past to be happy to settle down with someone right now. DCEbony, I think you're right that guys think we want to take their freedom away. Not so much!!! I want my freedom just as much! But if I click with someone sexually why can't we have a regular sexual relationship without the other junk with it? Even when i've made it clear i'm just looking for a friends with benefits situation guys think I want a boyfriend. It's funny how guys interpret a regular sexual relationship as a committement, but perhaps WHATAHUG is right, sex has maybe become too much of a playground activity. Hmmmm.............

Yes, relationships of any kind are just too confusing!!! Thanks for all the feedback here, I agree with so many of your responses!

silentnova3 32M
2 posts
10/20/2005 10:33 pm

I think, to several guys, the "friends with benefits" scenario is nothing more than myth. There are probably a lot of guys out there who would love to know some girls they can be close with, sexual with, but not have to be singally commited to. But in their minds, that's a fantasy, so they go after the boyfriend method as soon as a connection is established with a girl, because they think they're -supposed- to.

I've had several girls with whom I've felt -very- strong feelings for ta the same time, over the years. Shyness, and knowing they'd never accept it, was really all that ever kept me from actting on those feelings. Just because you feel something between you and someone else.. hell, even if you love them.. it doesn't mean having to leap right into monogamy. But.. far too many people, it seems, think exactly the opposite. Or, at least, won't be honest about what they really think/feel in that situation.

relajo1112 44M/F
1 post
10/28/2005 6:17 pm

Feelings definetely do not mean commitment. Why? I don't know, it just happens. I think commitment is a more serious thing, sometimes above feelings or even below. Why? for example i'm married and i always cheated with my former girlfriends except one. why? i don't know, it just kind of happened, that's commitment. Did i loved my former girlfriends? of course. Feelings? of course. Commitment? Obviously not. Honestly i can tell you that i loved other girlfriends more than my wife, but for me she was the best and the right one. Commitment is the combinations of the best person to be your partner, raise your children, passion and feelings. not in equal value. Write to me if you can.

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