time to refine love  

raggidytantan 35M
1 posts
4/18/2006 10:10 am

Last Read:
4/18/2006 4:10 pm

time to refine love

It was Wednesday night and I just finished a three hour long seminar about love and happiness. It is the ‘new positive psychology’ re-exploring old philosophical questions concerning what happiness is and its attainment. The basic idea was that love and belongingness is a fundamental need and not a desire. Fundamental because they are like our biological needs ie: eating, breathing, sleeping… and not satisfying them will have detrimental side effects. An example of a non fundamental need in my opinion would be the need for a vacuum, or a nice pen….it is really silly but the idea is that fundamental needs have the ability to suppress the immune system and put the person at risk for illness when unmet. Depression is linked with belongingness, and also weakens immunity to disease. Happy people are just healthier, but happiness and health aren’t skin deep.

The girl giving her presentation was French. and wouldn’t have been hard to notice even if she wasn’t the one talking. I have this thing where I try to notice and catch certain phrases that allow me to infer things onto peoples life that they don’t overtly say. I smoked two fat joints before the three hour class and sat on my thumb drinking coffee . She showed up ten minutes late. The room has one of those octagon tables, like king Arthur and his knights, only disfigured because….well…obviously from the subject matter if you know what happened to Arthur. We have to do some history here, I don’t control the buzz, im just its instrument…this was suppose to be about a sex site.}

Love was first to give to god. It’s concept didn’t exist outside that realm until man made plates for their chest made of metal, saddled horses and romanticized to death on the freedom of a horse, the armor, the amore. The knights wore love to war, every battle could ultimately be their last. The passion of last kiss, the passion of the brethren dying in battle, gathering in circles as equals, rallying to rise up and ride across their land for tales, of tying up the land. Historically they say Arthur was a bunch of kings combined into a narrative in England’s history. Oral history was getting put to paper, and anyone that writes knows how hard and time consuming capturing everything going on in their stagnant lives, let alone a whole group of kings coming together to form England…I think. I could just be stupid but its what ni remember…if I have to look over every detail, what does that say? In history we need heroes, roughly around this time I believe the Saxons were getting their asses kicked and England’s small kingdoms joining and making bigger ones, either through war or other ties. So rediscovering our good friend Plato, but mostly Homer and his heroes, this Arthur legend sprung. So if we take it as an author’s fantastical creation and half ass history, oral tradition distorted and distorted until it was wrote down. The distortion in psycho-terms goes with elaboration which enables for better memory providing detail to pay attention to and enable a deeper level of processing. Also whatever is going on when the story is being retold will have an impact, the story could change because it has gotten boring, or someone had adhd and made a new one up on the spot. They took what they had, the holy grail, representing god and perfection. Arthur also means something along the lines as perfect. Then the concept of the Excalibur. Languages borrow symbols from other languages, and symbols are not only letters but sounds as well as mental representations. So a phoneme (refers to smallest spoken sound) is a symbol and symbols all come from other symbols. The French and English were side to side along time, and my version of the story has a French title, for all we know it was first spoken in French. Caliber is French and though different letter symbols not phonemes, calibur, Caliber-- refers to the diameter of a round body, and his weapon comes from the ex of his round body of trust and table….further some..caliber also refers to a mental capacity for perfection, so in a sense this Excalibur power is by virtue of arthurs destruction. It parallels god as well and possibly may refer to the schism and breaking of the perfect God, into the heavenly spirit, jesus and I forget who else. Also I have this theory that what is going on in the bigger realm of things kinda works the same on a smaller scale…think of atoms and the solar system…maybe neurons and trees. So the deal with the schism and breaking of this perfect round being….Like pie, breaking down and down in some sort of half life of decay powering everything. So…thank love….cause it turns to hate.

She showed up wearing a nice patch of cleavage. The thing with public speaking is eye contact makes you nervous so I tried to find someone staring at the sun, but only caught myself. So the theory about love that comes to mind considering all this {I forget who’s it is and may have made most of it up or combined a few…and by fluke occurance hit the nail with a bigger nail. There are many domains when considering love, however I am only considering what I call acquired love, we don’t get this type by virtue of the family we are born in. Also a parent will love their child through a rebellious phase. This non acquired love, or born into love should be unconditional, (as in enduring under any negative circumstances, with the hope that things get better im assuming.) Further more this born into love is what propagates the love we are driven to acquire, and because of intimacy and sexual contact the passion of the two are combined into this more intense euphoric emotion.{when forgetting the negative things of euphoria…transient like the orgasm habituated like the sex, and it’s evoking stimuli can be replaced.} This adds to the passion of a relationship…like the passion of mortal life….it ends…any moment could be the last they share…everything thing in the world could pry between and rip it apart. So how can we say what makes us love a person? The theory I started but stopped mentioning goes as; The idea of love is the acknowledgement that the other person cares about their needs and welfare…further recognizing that the other takes those issue’s into consideration in their own lives. Love in this framework is reciprocal, a circle. There is a problem for this to be a true love. Fully in bloom, or first site it is impossible to say for real where a circle of love starts. {The idea is screaming blatantly at me….but more opaque and wordy as I go on..} Love in this paradigm begins from a presumption, a false ideology for lack of a better term, that the opposite person in the initial liking phase is not thinking about themselves, their own desire and selfishness. Love is to be self-less. The problem know is that…let’s say for an example we take the French girl talking as I’m thinking all this through… Our hormones do what they do, activate parts of our brain…theoretically create some disequilibria or chemical imbalance and the drive is to restore the balance/equilibrium. It’s called homeostasis not to do what they do and confuse….maybe they are the stupid ones. Let’s compare sex hormones to drugs… a kaleidoscope from which we see. So the flush of all these hormones in the parts of our brains create a drive The different patterns we go about restoring this balance reacts with the environment that either allows for a restoration of a comfortable state rather than the anxious feeling in disequilibria…together this creates your life and memories…how you react with the environment to meet your needs becomes like a routine. Think about Darwin’s birds, they evolved with different beaks to get the right nuts. The environment we are engaged in is a little more difficult because humans have more needs and drives. And they concurrently developed together over time. Also we have ways of making personal worlds inner implicit worlds explicit through language. For instance this idea was a flash thought, but look at all the symbols it takes to bring implicit to explicit. But through language we can and learn from one another and use tools to adapt to any environment on earth. We then became social because of these diverse drives and needs. The culture we live in provide a means, create patterns int the networks of your mind. These paths and patterns become your memories, and reality, the neurons getting struck in that particular order. Think of when a friend who always has glasses shows up and isn’t wearing glasses, those neurons decoding that information arent’ firing and you get the thought that something is missing.

Back to the sex hormone, I believe it’s androgen for males and estrogen for women though we both have a little of each. So my hormones are firing neurons off and the cleavage evoking stimuli, the French accent that draws you in further….as she reads lyrics she handed out, “you complete me” she said as I looked at her not looking at me. Thinking about the circle love analogy, my hormones, and king Arthur who ironically was waiting around for Lancelot to complete the circle. What if by some fluke she had looked at me when she said that, and I thought she meant me exclusively, and based on that I initiated intimacy. Would you live the lie until it destroys you with nothing left but a love story and rage, or never love at all. I was the first one to leave, and looked over my shoulder… “Good knight.”

So I get home and there’s no sign of my roommate anywhere. Open on my computer screen is the website I’m not sure if I can identify but seemed like an online person finder. I browsed the site like any other site and it gets me to join without giving any credit card, personnel identification, its totally anonymous and you don’t have to meet anyone . Amusedly I fill out what it asks. The file or survey dealio progresses to my hair color to my physical description. It’s one of those things where you only pick what they offer you. I thought it was my physique and it asks my girth, length, and whether or not I’m circumcised. If I’m looking for lesbians, groups sex, gay, straight, bi, curious, a couple looking for a couple, cheating or just out for a good time. All the sudden, that same night… willow is private messaging me asking if she can come fuck me. I said no and tried hooking her up with some other dude who kept repeatedly saying…Anyone from Fredericton want a good time….over and over….she later tells me he’s 38.…I didn’t really care I was -amazed at how open yet faceless it had become. These people weren’t looking for love, they just wanted sex, gangbangs and whatever other sick and twisted fantasy arose from the building up of that hormone without restoring or expelling it properly, or having to much…habituating and desensitizing to just one.
But why does this happen? Why totally reject that drive to acquire love. Some on the site were married and advertising to cheat. Most of them im certain are unattractive and because of culture, media availability, social alienation, build up this sexual drive into a mode of despair. They probably don’t understand why after nights of intense stimulation from sex leave them feeling empty….confused they look for more meaningless sex. Now the couples, they are together, and obviously in that lie type circle, but possibly acknowledge human nature, and separate the sex from intimacy. …making fuck friends.
My idea of belongingness comes from identifying with someone, again we seem to have a drive if not a desire to extend that identification outside the family. This could possibly be to gain one’s own identity, being able to truly learn from experience and build our personalities with things from outside the household. If the drives we talked about earlier come from the idea of homeostasis {not to be confused to homo-sexuality, however I will link it} then belongings surely is fundamental, but this being true our biology begins it’s final development with adolescence, and not complete until the flood of hormones subside and growth spurting on a vertical ceased. It’s really simple and it’s just that your not done until you’re an adult , you don’t really have a true identity until substantial habits are formed.

This is an old idea called catharsis. The idea is that negative energy builds up…I think it was first though to be the ‘spirit,’ but after millenniums of construct evolution and refinement {the master human tool are our constructs}. So gradually geniuses/people with too much time on their hands made microscopes out of glasses, radiation out of electricity and getting real brave cutting out pieces of people’s brains with behavior problems. Then I go back as far as I can conceive to the Vikings and their mushroom masquerades. Then came opiate, then Freud the coke head. He thoroughly tested its effects of cocaine on the brain, using himself. The ‘genius’ tripped unknowingly onto the intimacy factor we have discussed. He found his patients wanted to have sex with him….he found everyone wanted to have sex with him. The cocaine fried his brain, but I think it was after him everyone got what I mean by catharsis. For him it was purely sexual energy that needs venting. In his time we must remember everything was very new and mysterious, the beginning of the psychological constructs….however ill logical they may be. So this energy turned out to be hormones that various organs secrete into your nervous system where the mass networks of neurons co-ordinate your senses, so you can perceive and operate. Simply the energy overwhelms you until you expel it/counteract it with another hormone. Lets take our stomach for instance…(I don’t want to confuse you with names but ghrelin and leptin I think….I sold all my textbooks.}…when your hungry your stomach secrets the juice to tell your brain to eat. You get that sensation in your stomach that seems to push out and tuck gut wrenchingly under. The hormone creates a disequilibria in the corresponding part of your brain. When you eat its anti hormone is released through several mechanism extinguishing the hunger sensation that produces the drive to eat. It could be from analyzing an addiction to coke (apparently he stopped testing coke when it became illegal)….but it seems to work a different way no? The drug acts like a hormone, or activates a pattern of neuron firing our limbic system has come to enjoy. It seems to like patterns and routine, with a little variation…like the porridge being just the right amount.. Perhaps different flavors of porridge.. ..then we get to different kinds of people. Some people are like whine tasters.

The pleasure part of our brains is the limbic system. So the craving for belongingness doesn’t exist in our brains pre, se…but is the lack thereof like the drugs. Picture smoking the same weed over and over….even if it is awesome, its going to get shit and boring and after awhile give you a head ache. So how take this into consideration in a relationship. There are only so many sexual positions before the tissue of your partners sexual ‘devices’ we’ll say’ desensitize and habituate to your sexuality. Take the craving for the drug. The belongingness isn’t a hormone that an organ releases, Even the sex hormone overwhelms our brain. I can distinguish between craving a joint, a cigarette, chips, sour skittles or not sour skittles. So why am I rolling a joint right now even though I am already high? Why am I going to be like frued and take today’s version of cocaine….the med for adhd…the effects on the brain are like coke….maybe just the right amount and again with the odds of my experience and fluke chance just might be right to smack the world in the face with my hammer. So in psychoscieficonstructframing, accidents happened with pipes into the brain finding a memory path in the patient, unethical experiments that say roughly seventy percent of the time I would shock you to death if someone told me too, then by cutting pieces of the brain out they have been basically able to distinguish where everything seems to be taking place, accept for that place you all know so well. The Limbic system…The porridge of cold or steamy emotions…you cant get right….but when you do…..your fucked and perfect gets broke and the whole thing starts over, in humans, we are in a uhman..or a human namuh NAMUH…or maybe just inhumane.

After browsing the ads, I see not everyone is interested in gangbangs, but a large portion are, so I go back into the chat-room. See the thing with adhd and being mediacted is it makes me a fucking loser outside….but I still got the writing. I absorb the environment, instantaneously comparing it to every relative thing I have encountered prior to it’s consideration. The ADHD phenomenon is not only increased motor activity, but also increased emotional activity. Our limbic systems work differently, or more. We are more active and it freaks people out, so to restore their homeo-behavioral-balance with the environment they impose more constructs and deficits1…when I have an excess…so they sedate us and that energy that would have been catharsized through other ways gets put to brain usage, the more energy you have to focus mentally is intelligence. The energy in you is your potential. to keep the ARthurian table together...to take the knight that kept you waiting , while wielding the power of the EX.

but so because of this intense limbic passion of hate love and rage I got kicked off the site. I smoked two more joints… staring at the sky and think I figured it out, the moon…the pie in the sky isn’t perfect, maybe missing a piece…but alive until it dies.

So this conscious stream is flooding however many pages the initial thought potential potency built up inside me before being catharsized….as in I’ve been saving this energy along time. (a.d.h.d is evolution…ie…in extremely poor performance cases….the growing thumb at first wasn’t much use….also how many of Darwin’s byrd’s die before being able to get into the nuts.

All these symbols through convention/ gained their cultural identiy/universality/common usage for a symbolic representation aiming to fire the same general neurons off in your head as they fired off in the communicator….the trick is to use the most common and simple language. If you do this right the poet comes out on his own. The rhythm back in the day was by virtue of the smaller language and fewer symbols. See as humans we break everything down and down as small as we can to understand. We divide general variations of neuron firing sequence in relation to their corresponding brain points, the evoking stimuli and the sensation.

The problem is that usually ‘individual’ or ‘particular’ experience, doesn’t particularly generalize. The reason why could be broken down and divided forever, but the simplest concept to describe it is habituation and dishabituation. Think of the shitty weed again…you habituated , you need a change…although still weed, and the basic idea interacting with those parts of your brain, the tingling sensation, the hunger that follows as the T.H.C. runs through obviously that part of your brain, your eyes, your laughter, mood…over looked is the sensory of our neurons, the most are in our brains….its just where particular ones are located grouped and interacting together that make any memory in your brain. All we are is a pathway of receiving information…these words are like a path through the cryptic forest of my mind…the history of the sensory memory is more than you imagine. Our senses, that is our neurons, our experience/ covered ground…neuron sequences that get bored, and want different patterns….

Chapter two B
It seems like im babbling but it goes . Those private times we reflect upon when thinking about that question…am I happy…do I belong….is anyone worth whatever form of attachment I acquired in my infancy…throught development to now, as I am finished… at 24.

They are trying to pass on that happiness is as biological as a person’s weight. ‘a set point theory’, meaning you got thrown on to a predestined plane of the quality/intensity of happiness you can experience. Happiness is like the drug analogy, it comes and is really recognized when it’s missing….a social jones’ing if you will. Now the question is are there levels to addiction, say a junkie compared to someone who just shot up once. Is it a quality in the person that prones to addiction, or the quality of their environment, such as the tools the culture uses for stimulating these parts of our brains. Further for fundamental drives….if you are severely addicted to coke, or crack….with drawel can have a significant effect and sometimes be fatal, especially in infancy. SO….at least don’t do drugs until you are ‘finished’ or an adult, that way it will not form into a substantial habit. same with sex…the earlier you start the more habituated/desensitized you become.

Now how to pick up the girls. After all this watching and observing I noticed we percieve on different levels of consciousness based on our experience and bio/genetic make-up. Or at least activate different parts of our brains when thinking based on the particular constructs we encountered and assimilated into our neural memory pathways I guess…again we get allot of thoughts when info/neural firing or activation is missing in our repetitive and boring lives. I will give explicit lyrics for an example….oh fuck no ho please don’t go…why’d you go blow two homo’s and let them let go in your poo poo, doo doo slip through three wholes of you, what one’s not fun, no one to top your rocks off… So pants off, tops off now your spanking two cocks off? Two wholes one bumb two dudes numb fun, your lump your four hands that’s your plan?…you scam you sham, wham slam what man twangs his wang in gangbangs and could ever love you. Is it possible?

Now didn’t we like, the rhyme better, as it variated and spaced just right and noticed when it stopped, if it kicked back in and it was your style you would probably smile and like it….the soap on a rope…tied to one hand, pulling back the tower, lubing up and whacking in the shower power… bitch not spose to be home for another hour now were side to side, slick she slipped in to take a shit, lifted up the lid and saw my piss, splatter plop splash she sat on it…when she wiped her ass she saw the suds on my dick, she looked me up and down and tickled her clit…only thing is that I just heard her shit….she asked to get it on , to get on it as she climbed in I let go of my dick and said whoa, so.. shit oh, no fuck ho please just go … cause I was touchin my dick and thinking bout some other chick.

Rhyming doesn’t get girls, in fact its annoying if it isn’t fuuny. Girls ‘play’ their part it’s found they smile, laugh and exhibit happiness more. They also exhibit sadness more, but this is in another five-fold chapter on female internalization and polarizing habits. We like routine, as long as it isn’t annoying like poetry that just tries to hard and goes no where. Go with spontaneity in your routine and you will do well.

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