|Blogs > purdy37 > me|
when i invited someone in to my life i didn't expect the games that came with that person to affect me as much as they have done.
that person took things to another level and turned out to be poison! i didn't see it, i saw what i wanted to see. i wanted to see the best in her. but she played me, she played both of us against each other, played some sick games, all so she could take me away and have me to herself.
the damage she has caused now seems irreparable. we were both played in such a manner that neither can trust what the other says.
one minute we are talking the next arguing throwing all sorts of shit at one another, then came the calm, no talking and it seemed fine, then it starts again, the phone calls the texts and conversations in to the early hours of the night. it was forced, we were thrown back together, i wasnt ready and i dont think he was either. but we talked and i think for a time we were sorted out, then back she came and threw more petrol on the fire, stoked it back up and then sat back and watched the fire works unfold.
i could't be totally honest with how i felt this time around, i couldn't allow myself to be taken to a place that has caused me so much pain before. my feelings were the only thing i kept hidden!! for my own protection, i had to protect myself from being led back in to the confusion. i had to some how sort out my own head, but along she came and threw so much more back in to the mix. telling him how i felt, how could she know, i didn't know myself!!
i thought i was strong enough, i thought we were strong enough, i thought we could talk about anything?
again i was wrong, the barriers are well and truly in place between us, and i don't think they will ever be broken now, to much has happened, to many things have been said. neither willing to go back and rake up so much shit, one day i suppose it will be a distant memory for both of us, i guess we will move on with our lives and find new people to be with and enjoy.
i do think of the past, i think of the present, and i think of what could have been, but so much has happened that i think maybe it was meant to be this way.
if we could wash the past away, would we go our seperate ways, or would we do it all again, is this the way its meant to be??????? if we hadn't of had her in the back ground would we have been ok??? or don't we care any more????? i guess things have gone so far there is no turning back, accepting that is the hardest thing of all to deal with, when alone we were ok, i know we were, its only when others became involved that it all went wrong!!!!
i sit here looking back and writing this perhaps knowing that things will be better left alone, left in the past to ponder over. move on and find new people. but there is always a part of me that wonders what if and i guess there always will be. how life turns out hey!!!!
4/24/2006 1:05 pm
Evolution and a desire for freedom will always do this to you. |
If you really hold onto the emotion of the past then you can... or you can hold onto the lessons, bin the emotions you don't want, evolve and explore and discover new horizons and much more desirable relationships.
I'm for the wise evolution... how about you?