My Lazy Ass, Part One  

pseudohippie 50F
219 posts
9/29/2005 10:22 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

My Lazy Ass, Part One

This post is a response to another blog post about the difference between "Fuck Buddy" and "Friend with Benefits," if there even is a difference. See Fuck Buddy vs. Friend With Benefits for the original post. friend and I were talking about this very issue, oddly enough, on the same day you posted this.

To me, they are the same..."buddy" indicates you are a friend. "Fuckbuddy (F" indicates a friend you fuck. "Friend With Benefits (FW" seems to me only a more PC way to state it. I'm probably in the minority here, but to me, they are the same. And look at it this way...Friend + fuck/friend + benefits...that's not boyfriend or girlfriend? Aren't they friends you fuck, too? Semantics, I say.

When I wanted this kind of relationship, I essentially wanted a boyfriend without commitment or depth. Same goes for my mid-20s affair with a married man. I loved him, he was my good friend, I didn't want him to leave his wife...what I wanted was to have sex with someone I cared about and still be free enough to not have to tell him what I was doing all the time, or run decisions by him before I made them, etc. You can't commit to someone who is already committed to someone else! (Btw, I didn't know the wife, and we valiantly fought the relationship for a year before giving in. In my opinion, he was the cheater, I was was not cheating on anyone, so I had no moral conflict, personally. I mean, I took no vows. Anyway, I would not do this ever again, not because it didn't fulfill my goals, but because I realize now I was an enabler, for which I am truly sorry.) Oddly, this one lasted 3 years...maybe because there WAS no chance for commitment.

Anyway, in college, I had two FBs/FWBs, and those were completly successful, too. Maybe because we were friends a long time first and so that was the primary established relationship, therefore strong to begin with, I don't know. Maybe it worked cause we were young and carefree about it. Dunno.

In my more recent adulthood, I've been less successful when I've wanted this kind of relationship. It's true that sometimes one party gets attached, or as Sensuousoman said, both could and aren't prepared for it, or so I've heard. My adult "FB/FWB" experiences have been a little different, though. I tend to pick men who are more "moral" than I am...they end up feeling GUILT over it. "It's not RIGHT to have sex with someone you don't love or who isn't your girlfriend." Dunno. Maybe that was their way of ending it or a disguised way of telling me they wanted's hard to tell. One of those tried to revive it later, saying he was a stupid fool...I agreed he was, of course (haha), but I no longer wanted that kind of relationship then, so bummer for him! The other was my friend for many years, then my boyfriend, then my FB/FWB and is now back to being what he really should have stayed as, my good friend.

Bottom line is, the reasons why it doesn't last don't matter, nor do the definitions or demarcations between them. A "FB and/or FWB" relationship is usually transient, which is why people want them in the first place. It's the very nature of the beast. We want them when we want them, and don't want them when we want something else. The nature of the relationship is transitional, no matter what. If the commitment to maintain any relationship is not shared by both parties, then the relationship is doomed. And since "FB/FWB" is essentially a commitment-free relationship, it's the same. You can never expect it to last long.

On the flipside, I do, however, know of a few that have worked, but I think those are anomalies...a guy in the Philly chatroom just told me he's had one for six years. Guess it depends on the people and the situations they are in.

Bottom line is, all relationships are complicated, it's hard to match up your goal with anothers' goal, we can't control our emotions, and we all change with time.

Gosh I hope this makes sense. I haven't had enough coffee yet. lol

nietchze 43M

9/29/2005 9:49 pm

In my youth I never had these types of relationships because, quite frankly, I could get some sex whenever I wanted from any number of willing females. I had never been in love, and so the element of emotion in my sex life was non-existant. I never knew what it was like, so I didn't miss it. Enter love-of-my-life first-true-love GF #1, and well that all got shot to shit. Since then it has been either one night stands or GF's. I can't even imagine trying to pull this off. Because as much of a 'man's Man' as i try to be, I'm really just a big softy and hopeless romantic. So sue me.

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
9/30/2005 3:21 am

Gee, should I recycle the answer I put on my blog here?

MisterPriapus 57M
6980 posts
10/10/2005 6:58 pm


Damn! I now can see what you've been saying! That reply was a great Post unto itself! Awesomely well-written and thought out article.

Not as well-reasoned or personal as yours, but I posted on the same subject at the beginning of the month. I took a slightly satirical, semi-scientific approach in, Relativity Ratios. I'd love to hear your thoughts...


Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



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