Unfinished Business  

pragmaticCTcpl 61M/50F
3614 posts
4/26/2006 9:13 am

Last Read:
4/30/2006 10:50 pm

Unfinished Business

Unfinished business. Yes, I have some of that in my life. Things that need saying. Things that need doing. Some of these things are small. Some of them are major.

What is stopping me? What keeps me from taking care of those loose ends?

Forgive me for being so cryptic.

For the record, there is no such thing as unfinished business in my marriage. Our relationship/ friendship/ marriage would not work as well as it does, if there were any. We say it like it is...always. Both the good and the bad. My husband, is the ONLY man that I have been able to completely trust and reveal my true self to.

My unfinished business is with my father. He and I have a unhealthy/ horrible past and a non-existent present. Sometimes, it bothers me. Other times, I hardly think about it. I am a child of abuse and divorce. Me and half of the worlds population, right?

My father never approved of me. I could never live up to the expectations he had for me. I remember, his violent temper. Zero to 100 in under 10 seconds. Veins popping up of his neck and his face deeply red. I'll never forget the last time he raised his hand to me. I was 16 going on 17. He was cheating on my mother with a family friend. My mom turned the other cheek and played dumb. She is real good at that. Even to this very day! I knew all about the affair. I had bought the 45 (remember those!!) of Ray Parker's "The Other Woman" and played it as loud and as proud as my stereo would allow. He called me downstairs to pick up a book bag left on the steps. When I was almost at the bottom of the steps, he slapped me across the face. I just looked at him. If my eyes were poison, he would have been dead.

I grew up, my whole life, hearing from my mother, "You're just like your father!" She is right to some extent. I'm a horny devil. I have a percentage of his temper. I look like him. I'm just as stubborn as him. I'm analytical. I'm a people person. I share his love of books and later in life, I learned that I have his strength. However, I am not him.

Skipping ahead, 15 years later....I had obtained one failed marriage...three pregnancies......two children.... then,I heard from him. He called me at my place of work. He had since remarried the "family friend", moved out of state and has a another child. Of course, he was doing great. He said that he had been "keeping tabs" on me all these years. My life at that time was a complete mess. Figures! We met several times, months later when he was in CT. He met his grand-children for the first time. At his request..the following year the children and I traveled to his new home state.

While visiting, we went out to lunch alone.
He said, "I cannot change the past." I told him that I understood. I myself, had a chance to live the "real life" and that I now had a better understanding. Was he right about all that he had subjected me to? No. But I was willing to forgive. He proceeded to undermine my self-esteem. He went on to to say, in great lengths, as to how is "other children" were such a success in life. I fought back tears the whole time.

Since that trip many years ago, I have spoken to my father only three times. He knows of my re-marriage and that is about all. I always tell myself, "His loss." But what I want to do is scream at him, "You fucked up my head... you are a terrible person and I am worthy of love!! I am a success!! I am smart and talented!! I do have worth!! You are a superficial S.O.B and I am glad that we don't share the same values in life!! I am a capable woman and how DARE you try to tell me otherwise!!"....but I don't.

He has to live with himself and the knowledge of what he has done and not done. Maybe, before he passes away I'll get it all out...or maybe it will all die, when he dies. I just don't know. I just hate THAT unfinished business.

Even writing this chokes me up. Thanks A.F.F. for my weekly therapeutic session. Where do I send the check?

Do you have any unfinished business?



49AK 55M
1823 posts
4/26/2006 11:37 am

While I can't say I lived your experience, I think there are elements in all of our lives that qualify as unfinished business, and I certainly empathize with your feelings about it.

There is something about that familial relationship that makes it so hard to put that damage behind you. Friends and acquaintances can do the same thing, and we can get past it a lot more easily. I moved to Alaska to get away from some family problems, and they just followed me like a lost puppy.

Do whatever you can to get by them... they don't go away by themselves.


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:24 pm:
I have a saying..."If you put a jackass on a train from CT. to CA.....when the train get to CA.....you still have a jackass!"

Thank you 49AK.

MOfunNOWWOW 55F

4/26/2006 1:25 pm

I am sorry sugar. I know how hard that is. When I got to the part that he was patting himself on the back because he had kept tabs on you (isn't that special) I knew before I read it where his head was. I know I am not a successful married person but all that comes to mind on this is that scripture that a person will leave thier mom and dad and cling to thier spouse...cling! He sees the amazement that the one you left behind doesn't. Big hugs {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:30 pm:
MO...MO...MO...MO!!!!!!!!

When you got to " I know I'm not a successful married person.." I just want to call information...get your number and scream, "WHAT!!"

Pretty lady...you matter and your voice matters..."successfully married or not." Sides...as far as marriage goes...I just got super lucky and blessed. Sharing those big hugs with you. Thank you!!
{=}

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
4/26/2006 4:19 pm

I can really relate to this post. You're right, you are a worthy person, no one deserves to be treated that way and compared to other people. I grew up believing that my siblings were better than me. It's a sucky place to live, I decided I need to put it behind me and get on with living. Sometimes it's hard to do especially when someone has expectations (my mom) that the family will be put back together. Blog on!! It really does help Mac


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:35 pm:
Mac, thank you for your kind words and the encouragement. I really appreciate the fact that you stopped by my blog. These days blogging is my purifier....ah..who am I kidding...I'll never be pure!

firestarter665 42M/39F

4/26/2006 4:48 pm

I can honestly say that I do not have any unfinished business.

But I do want to say that you are successful and worthy. Now I know I don't know you personally but I can see by your blogs that you are very happy with the way things are. In my eyes, that is the only thing that matters, your own happiness. It must be hard to have this feeling from your own father.

You are something special to me. Always remember that!


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:37 pm:
You trying to make me cry ? You are something special to me too!!!{=}

docdirk 47M

4/26/2006 5:26 pm

I could feel the catharsis while reading that.

I think it's great that you actually stooped to talk to him, even met with him, when you easily could have shut the door forever. But, if you decide that that is the best option from this point forward, I can understand that as well. I have, in fact, practiced the latter option for nearly my entire life, and I do not feel it is a mistake to do so. You need to do what is best for you, and only you know what that is.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:41 pm:
You hit the nail on the head.

I know it is time for me to stop banging my head against this cement wall. I'm getting a freak'in headache.

libgemOH 56M/52F

4/26/2006 7:55 pm

I think I have finished it all but in all honesty, I don't know!! You and I have talked about a lot of it, I've blogged some of it, I've therapized myself to death and I still really don't know for sure if it is finished or not. *BIG HUGS* to you my twin sister soul!! Love you!! -B


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:43 pm:
Big hugs and love... right back at both of you ...!!! {=}

NSAAddict 42F

4/26/2006 8:45 pm

You are worthy, you are successful and he's the failure for not knowing that and for not being the dad you needed him to be. I hope you do get some closure, however you decide to do that, but know that it's our struggles that make us strong, and you my dear are one strong, smart, successful and worthy woman! Hugs to you


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:46 pm:
REWRITE!!!!

"you my dear are one strong, smart, successful and worthy BITCH!"

Thank you sweetie!!

mangomamiCT 42F

4/26/2006 10:44 pm

Those experiences no matter how ugly made you the person you are today . You are one hell of a lady !!!! And honestly I dont think he was rubbing the other childrens sucess in your face , he was trying to validate himself as a parent , sort of like , "I know I fucked up with you , but look how I did with these ones , I can't be that bad " like some sick version of validation .
He's jealous honey . In spite of him you turned out great . In spite of him you now have a happy healthy marriage , wonderful kids and a good life . He's has gotta live with all his sins .

I'm sorry you are hurting over this though ..........hugs for you
Mango


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:51 pm:
Mango, not only do you have a cute ass...but you are smart too.

Thank you for such support and for your very generous words.

It means a lot for you to comment when... you've recently had your own turmoil. Hope all is well with you.

HUGS

fantasylover_05 62M

4/27/2006 4:39 am

Dearest Pragmatic

It is "unfinished business" only if you allow it to be.... as long as you CONSIDER it unfinished he still has a hold over you... you do not need DO anything to finish it.. you only need decide it is finished.. that you do not need him nor his approval!!

Although my father was not physically abusive... he was mentally so...

[post 253886]

My business with my father is finished.... I do still see him occassionally.. but he no longer has any hold or influence over my life or thoughts...............

I have no doubt you are indeed a VERY intelligent, STRONG, successful, loving, sexy, horny woman.... be yourself and BE PROUD!!

My thoughts and approval are with you!

BE YOURSELF AND BE PROUD!!


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:54 pm:
Thanks sweetheart! You are a great friend. Hugs and kisses {=}

MWWwantsmore 51F

4/27/2006 5:09 am

I can understand your feelings in a way. My dad left when we were little and we rarely heard from him. He was around when my daughter was born and then didnt see or hear from him in 6 years. He didnt meet my son until he was 6. I sent xmas cards every year but never heard from him. I felt that my kids had the right to meet him.

The sad thing is he lives in CT, about 40 mins away


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:55 pm:
MWW, I'm agree with you on that...pretty sad.

rm_KirkVW44m 55M
688 posts
4/27/2006 5:24 am

Sometimes people get in our way even those closest to us and well i think you made your own way and i really like the who of whom you are and most of all your open and honest approach to all things. Your words represent you well dear. In those alone you seem pretty damn special!

Kirk


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 8:58 pm:
Kirk... Thank you. I believe our blog is a fair and truthful look at our lives. It really is the only way to be.

angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
4/27/2006 5:46 am

My heart goes out to you on this one. I too, am constantly seeking the approval of one who is never going to completely approve of my life. It is his loss! However, people like your father....cannot see that it is a loss. They are so wrapped up in their pompous self righteousness that they feel justified. You cannot give him that power over you anymore. You tried....it didn't work. Just live your life the best you can....love as hard as you can....and show kindness to those around you for as long as you can. You have done this....and are doing this....so...you are worthy!


pragmaticCTcpl replies on 4/27/2006 9:02 pm:
Angel....I'll share this with you...

He claims to be such a "GOD fearing man" today. I agree...he better be that "GOD fearing man" when he meets his higher power. He is going to need ALL the help he can get!!

Thank you sweetie!! {=}

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