pragmaticCTcpl 61M/50F
3614 posts
7/28/2006 8:20 am

Last Read:
3/6/2007 1:31 pm


I just received a phone call from my oldest son who lives with my ex-husband.

He has failed Summer school. He said he failed because of attendance and being tardy. Earlier this week my ex-husband was unable to wake him for the third time this Summer.

This...after we were all told at a school meeting, that without it...he would have to attend two more additional years of high school. He was supposed to start his Senior year this Fall. He already stayed back once before, in first grade, due to poor grades. He will be 20 by the time he graduates...if he graduates at all....!!!! He has thought of dropping out.

I am so fucking pissed off. He is fucking up his life left and right and refuses to take responsibility for his future. He has turned into a huge pothead. I'm not talking a little experimenting here and there. No, I'm talking full-blown, burn-out!! My son often says, "My life sucks!" and, "I'm not well-prepared for life." I who's fault is it this week? Me, your Father, your Grandma or your Brother?

Then, to add insult to injury, he asks if I have any money. He is going to Ozzy fest this week and needs money. What my son doesn't know is that I have found his blog page on another site and he writes that he is going to get wasted out-of-his-mind at this concert. I told him, "I don't have any money. I am not working." He said, "I was thinking that Grandma and you could give me 20 bucks each." I said, "What do you need 40 bucks for?" Well, I am going to be there all day and I also might want to buy a t-shirt." I said, "If you think I am giving you money to get "high" are fucking crazy!!" Of course, he lied and said.."Oh, no Mom. I'm not going to do that....there will be tons of people there....I can't go broke." I asked about his part-time job. Oh, I didn't get a check this week. I didn't get any hours at the store. So, I say.."So let's see... you haven't been working and you've failed Summer school on top of that?" He replies, "Mom, the teacher was a cunt." My son always has an answer/excuse for everything...!!! Also, nothing and I mean nothing is ever his fault....!!! This is a learned behavior that my ex-husband has passed on to my oldest.

My son breaks my heart. I see him fucking-up and being stupid/lazy and there is nothing I can do to help him. He is unhappy living with his father, but how that all occurred is a very, very, long story. (My son made his bed he has to lie down with the pigs) My ex-husband secretly wishes our son would drop out of school so that he could kick our son out of the house. My ex-husband is no longer getting child support from me since I quit my job. I have never received a dime in child support from him for our youngest child, that lives with me. You see... there is no benefit financially to have him live there. My oldest son cannot live with me. He is a liar, a thief, a drug addict, and a bad influence on my youngest child. Not to mention an out-of-control temper. Again, just like his father. "Fuck" is a word that my son uses every 10 seconds when talking to anyone. His thinks he is a real cool ganster...

He has to hit bottom...homeless, no money, no job, no education, jail. I'm just terrified of what his bottom just might be. Death? Because he doesn't seem to ever learn anything and the kid has been in counseling since he was 9 years old...he is now 18 years old. (Once diagnosed as manic-depressive, oppositional defiant, A.D.D, bi-polar) Take your fucking pick. Tons of prescription drugs, counselors, probation officers, expulsion from school at 11 years old, NAFI and juvenile court appearances later. He is still a fucking mess. He is walking proof that the juvenile court and school system sucks ass big time...!!!

I no longer blame myself. I tried to get him help and love him the best I could...but at times I still cry. For this is my first son whom I carried for 9 months. For what? So he can throw his life away?

I know that this problem has no answers. None that anyone but my son can provide, but I just wanted to share this with you all. Loving your child, no matter what, and practicing "tough love" is a motherfucker.

NSAAddict 42F

7/28/2006 11:34 am

Sending you lots of love and hugs

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:29 am:
Thanks, NSA.

fantasylover_05 62M

7/28/2006 12:29 pm

Also sending you lots of love and hugs!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:29 am:
Thanks, sweetie.

MWWwantmore 51F

7/28/2006 12:45 pm

Sometimes kids go where they want no matter what we do. Giving in to them only makes it worse, as my mom found out with my brother. She always blamed herself too and is finally realizing it wasnt her fault. But they are always our kids! Hang in there!

I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:30 am:
It is just sooooo hard to sit back and watch.

champagnechaser 41F
1639 posts
7/28/2006 6:41 pm

A motherfucker indeed! Hugz

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:31 am:
Thanks, CC.

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
7/28/2006 8:26 pm

This is a mother's worse nightmare. You know you have to let them make their own mistakes......and yet, it breaks your heart. ~hugs~ from one mom to another!

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:31 am:
Thanks, Angel.

docdirk 47M

7/28/2006 8:59 pm

I've nothing to offer. I'm just sad that you are having to go through this.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:33 am:
Thanks, Doc.

Panthiest 72M

7/28/2006 10:27 pm

Pragmatic....I hear you loud and clear. I have a son and a daughter. I also lived with a woman for 13 years who had a son who was going bad at age 13. By 19 he was in jail and by 22 he was in jail for an additional 2 years. Jail is not a good thing but it showed him who his real friends were and weren't. He linked up with a decent woman who helped turn him around.
My ex's son was going off the deep end because Mom and Dad not only split up but Dad wasn't much of a Dad for him and Mom was not understanding and didn't take the time to sit him down and explain life or at least her life to him. When his mom went on a cruise with a guy she had just met he took her car for a joy ride and crashed it. She freaked and told him he was trying to destroy her on purpose blah blah blah. He wasn't. He was left alone and felt Mom was out with "other" men, (Boys are very jealous of their moms) and he made a serious mistake and wrecked the car. She had it up on blocks in back of the house to remind him that he was ruining her life - constantly. Wasn't long before he was in reform school, then jail.

I'd take your son aside and explain, honestly and levely as you dare; who you are and what you need from him and why. Leave his Father out of the picture if you can't say anything nice. Just concentrate on what YOU need and what YOU expect of him. Hell, maybe even arriange a tour of a prison or join a tour. there are a few PBS or other types of documentaries about kids in jail and they are chilling. Get one and some ice cream, sit him down and show it to him and then talk about it with him after. He may not change his feathers overnight, but if nothing else, he'll start to get the idea that you really care and that will come in mighty handy some time down the road once he realizes the value of having someone care for him. Make sure he graduates high school. Get him to do his homework. or even just try to help him with it. Start reading more and get him a newspaper once in a while - even if he just reads the sports, do it. Maybe get a magazine subscription to something he's interested in. Computer games to skateboards - they all have magazines and if you can get him to read somethng not involving gangstas adn taht crap, regularly it will help him in school. Get him a little dictionary. He might even use it once in a great while. If it's a good one, you'd be surprised. Sometimes the worst kids wwould look up words just to do it. Puzzles are good - they help develop the mind. Get help - look for local programs, sports or recreational, after school programs. See if local police have any programs. Big brother lots of places.
Later, if he graduates high school, the army might be an option if he's still out of control. Good luck and remember...if you show interest in him now, he may still get into trouble but one day he'll grow out of it.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:36 am:
All of those things have been tried, but the fact remains that NOTHING I've tried has worked.

And the military won't touch him.

LilJohn670 43M

7/28/2006 10:57 pm

Don't take this the wrong way. If you do take this the wrong way it will not be my fault, for I have asked you not to, and I am telling you now, I do not mean this in a judgmental way.
But, let me ask you a serious question and then think it over . . .
(This question came to me after seeing your picture and reading this post.)
What do you suppose it would do to your son if he (Like you saw his)saw your blog, your picture, your profile?
I'm just curious.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:40 am:
Our profile is discretionary, and there's nothing contained in our blogs that we're ashamed of.

If he did see the profile, it's extremely doubtful he'd recognize the pictures, and his lack of interest in reading anything precludes him recognizing that he was the subject of this blog.

jd29992z 54M
3888 posts
7/29/2006 12:00 am

Hmmm very hard situation you know you can lead a horse to water... It is not your fault you did your best and more so. I kind of know what you are going through. My x is hooked on Meth right now I went up there and I have the kids with e and she dose not care hmmmmm makes you think how can a mother just not care about her kids. How can a son not care about his mom. Your best bet is not help him in his bad life choices don't give him money but don't quit loving him. Maybe someday he will see the truth. Later Girl JD.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:41 am:
We live in hope.

Looking0100 54M

7/29/2006 12:03 am


It really breaks my heart to see a good person wasting his life away.

Your ex-husband taught your beloved son to be a loser. That makes him also a loser. I can't believe someone would allow his/her son/daughter live like that. Doesn't he love his son?

I do know that you definitely love your son. You have poured out your heart and cried millions of tears for him. You love him so much and it hurts to see him screwing his own life.

Rock bottom. That may be different for different people. For me, it was nearly getting kicked out of housing program more than 20 years ago. I knew I had to start taking care of myself again. So, I did. For your son, it could be nearly dying from his lack of common sense (doing something really stupid). That is a guess though.

I hope for your sake and his that he snaps out of his funk and gets back on his feet. Have you really tried everything to help your son get the help he needs?

Jon C.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:42 am:
Much more than is detailed here has been tried.

Kaliedascope61 41M
4084 posts
7/29/2006 8:30 am

Sometimes tough love is the only answer, I know you will find your way and be there for him in the way he needs you to be, even if he doesn't like it, or disagrees with you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the best.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:43 am:
Thanks, Kali.

rm_agathon12 46M
1311 posts
7/29/2006 10:04 am

I'm with doc on this one: I don't have much to offer in the way of advice but I know how heartbreaking it is to watch a loved one hell bent on self destruction so you have my deepest sympathies.

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:44 am:
Thank you.

libgemOH 56M/52F

7/29/2006 8:38 pm

Crying with you and hugging you tight.... love you!! -B

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:45 am:
Thanks, you too. {=}

mycin62 54F

7/30/2006 8:58 pm

Big hugs to you sweetie

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/1/2006 9:45 am:
Thanks, Cin.

LilJohn670 43M

8/4/2006 11:34 am

    Quoting LilJohn670:
    Don't take this the wrong way. If you do take this the wrong way it will not be my fault, for I have asked you not to, and I am telling you now, I do not mean this in a judgmental way.
    But, let me ask you a serious question and then think it over . . .
    (This question came to me after seeing your picture and reading this post.)
    What do you suppose it would do to your son if he (Like you saw his)saw your blog, your picture, your profile?
    I'm just curious.
LOL - I am quoting myself

Okay, I thought it would quote your answer to me, but this will work too.

What I hoped would not happen, did happen. You misunderstood my point; at least to a good degree. Nevertheless, let me move on . . .
First, let me commend you on caring so much as to be so upset about his failure to take responsibility. Second, you obviously are doing all you can; you went to the school meeting, that kind of active participation is something many parents fail to do these days.
Try to not be too hard on yourself, or him. Remember, he is only 17, and with time, and lots of love, he may turn around.
Best Wishes,

pragmaticCTcpl replies on 8/4/2006 12:53 pm:
I do love my son. And that will always be unconditional.

Thank you for your comments.

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