Humorous Taser Story - kind of long...but good!  

panthersdreamer 46M
182 posts
5/5/2006 1:49 pm

Last Read:
5/6/2006 10:51 pm

Humorous Taser Story - kind of long...but good!

> I know most men would think this way.....
> To give you some background information, Greg, the author of
>this email, is 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this
>story, he is quite an intelligent person.
> Dear Friends,
> My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
>be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No
>doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in
>the near future.
> Here goes.
> Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)
> I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our
>12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
>sweet girl.
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser
>gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
>product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
>amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
> The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
>adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to
>retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed
>assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
> If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're
>truly missing out - way too cool!
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
>loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
>need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
>particular model would not create an arch between the prongs.
> How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if
>I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface
>that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
>the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!
>Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
>have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
>that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently
> (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be
>me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
>on a flesh and blood target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
>second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong?
> Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time..
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
>reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
>in one hand, Taser in another.
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
>muscle spasms
> and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about
>5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
>loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
>friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always
>20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even
>though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
> ********* !!!!
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front
>door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
>carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
>fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
>wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The
>dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking
>my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser,
>one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
>you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>thigh like yours truly.)
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be
>sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
> 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the
>way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a
>reward. They're round, rather large.
> Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get' em back.
> Greg

panthersdreamer 46M
295 posts
5/5/2006 1:51 pm

a friend sent me this email and i thought it was funny enough to share with everyone.



MWWwantsmore 51F

5/5/2006 4:53 pm

LMAO that is too funny, its funny how you try things just to see how they work lol

panthersdreamer replies on 5/6/2006 2:20 pm:
thats what i thought girl.

MaggiesWishes 59F

5/5/2006 8:15 pm

come here and let me smack you I had major body disfunctions reading this damnable thing I think my mouth will never feel the same from laughing so hard ... and my tummy & thighs have a new inner muscle from squeezing together!

*sigh* good thing I like you today
warm huggies {=}

panthersdreamer replies on 5/6/2006 2:19 pm:
the visual of that!!! mmmmm!!!

jadedbabe78 105F

5/5/2006 11:18 pm

panthersdreamer replies on 5/6/2006 2:20 pm:
i'm glad you like it,

rm_fireswan 49F
69 posts
5/6/2006 9:47 pm

LMFAO .. totally priceless !!
I want one of those , forget muggers they're just the thing to use to punish naughty submissives ..
Fireswan (Domme and sadist ... WEG )

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